The Suicide Note Trilogy - A Letter to Mother (Oh Mother Dear)

A Letter to Mother (Oh Mother Dear)

He Wrote:
To my mother dear,
Oh how I tried with all my heart,

To find just what I desired.

Yet you never provided me with that,

Why was that so?

Oh mother dear,

You were my world,

My protector from the night.

But then I did awake,

From the sweetest of such dreams.
Finding it was not thus.

Instead,

Protect me you did not,

Replaced by drugs,

Be they pills, pot or something else,

And getting smashed once in a while.

You drove me to the brink and back,

I stared at death and walked away.

For a time.

Yet you never really noticed,

Or perhaps you just didn’t care.
And this haunts me every night,
As I lay my weary head down,

To fight another night and day.

I let you into my heart,
Just like any son would.

Yet fake smiles and lies,

Has been the order of my life,

When dealing with you mother.

When for others,

T’was love, care and motherliness.

You never gave much thought,

Or thought many things through.

Impulsive in nature,

And stupid in action.

You ran from troubles,

Telling everyone it was ok.

Yet the only person the fool doth fool,

Is himself.

You hurt those who loved you most,

Who trusted you,

Thinking of you highly.

Yet betray us all,

You did this,

Why must that be so?

Now look at what has unfolded,

Look at what you’ve done.

Can you even face yourself,

Cos I can longer face myself.

For the mirror’s reflection does hate the reflected image,

How I hate the man in the mirror,

When I doth stare at him.

So tell me mother,

How do you sleep at night?

When the rest of us cry in darkness.

The countless nights I’ve cried,

And pondered why they are as they are.

To find now underlying reasons for sorrows,

That largely rest with you,

Along with your pathetic sidekick Mandy.

To find that out,

It cut me deep,

In many more ways than one.

Just look at me,

And you will find,

The answers hidden there.

I blamed myself,

Hated myself,

Continue to do so.

Left with no way to escape,

What am I expected to do?

Suffocated under a blanket of sorrow,

Help me I have screamed,

Yet rarely anyone does come.

I am no longer living inside,

Body functions,

Yet not mind or heart.

Paralysed with pain and fear,

Did you ever think it would come to this?

So dearest mother,

What say to you,

To what that I have said?

The trials and tribulations,

With you acting as judge and jury.

You made mistakes,

Stupid one’s.

Costing more than you realise,

Until now.

So now mother,

As you read this thinking,

What is up his ass?

I can’t believe I’m related to him,

Or perhaps what have I done?

Let me tell you of me.

I am me,

Fighting the blues,

For many a Winter now.

9^th grade it started,

Never has since stop.

First she be scratching,

Deliberately in nature.

To atone for past sins and hurts,

And make me feel real.

As of this year,

I did graduate.

A sad graduation to a blade,

And the damage done.

I can no longer fight this mother dear,

This pain,

It must stop.

For weeks ago I died,

Now I’m just finishing the job.

The hate I feel for me,

It is intense,

It bites like a knife,

But knife be better,

For I can see the pain.

So think of me as failure,

Or even blame yourself,

But believe you me,

It is no one’s fault but mine.

For I chose not to help,

When help I should have chose.

I saw this path, before I took it,
I made my bed,

Now I shall lie in it.

So mother dear,

I still love you close.

Even though blade is now taking my warmth,

Making me pale,

And leaking from my arms,

I am sorry for the mess,

And sorry for your pain.

Always and forever mother dear,

I will love you to my heart.

But I must go tread where others dare not,

Goodbye.

Fare thee well.