I just looked in the mirror, and cannot even recognise the guy looking back at me in the mirror anymore.
I dont like what I see, and all I see is horror.
I see that Im too fat, not muscular enough, still losing muscle and gaining fat cos Im not working out.
I see that Im getting uglier, and that Im letting myself go. I need a hair cut, lots of pimple cream, and too lose at least 10 kilos.
I see so many scars across my body from tough times, and from some days where I no longer wanted to live. I still feel the pain of some and some of the despair I had when I realised that I had failed and that I would see another sunrise.
I see the freshly dried blood of the recent cuts, the burns of recent, and the bitten finger nails when I was stressed.
The hair of my legs and arms that I havent shaved, and the nails that I havent trimmed and kept clean.
The fat arse, fat legs, disgustingly fat and gross stomach and chest and my waist.
All the raised skin from scar tissue build up. The pimples and zits. Uhhh.
The worst part is, thats not even the worst part.
What about the stuff that I can only see through my eyes.
My eyes say horrible things that I have done.
I can see, clearly my attempts on my life, the large number that I tried to complete. And I hate myself for them. The fact that I tried to cause that kind of pain to so many others, and the fact that I know that Ill try again. The cuts that iv done to myself. The amount of pain, guilt and concern Ive caused people, and have driven them to do things they dont want to do.
I hate myself so much, I wish I could cut myself into tiny pieces. But even that would be too kind. Life is too pleasant for me. I should be beaten daily and tortured, after all, dont I do that myself anyway?
But when I do it, I control the pain level to a point, someone should take that away from me, and pay dearly. To have me begging for the end, but to refuse to give it.
For what I have caused other people, I hate myself.
All the damage I have caused, surely is worthy of nothing other than the death penalty?
I am oppossed to it, but cant help feel I of all people deserve it. But not nicely, and painlessley, perhaps being broken on the rack, or being boiled.
I am scum, I dont know why I should hate myself as much as I do, after all, many people perform attrocities, but it seems I hold myself to a higher standard, perhaps too high.
But it matters not, all I know, is I dont know how I can sleep at night, not very well really.
If Im not allowed the simple pleasure of a quiet and peaceful death, or a punishment death of severe pain, then what?
Should I just sleep, sleeping is peaceful, painless normally, and at least I cant easily hurt people.
Perhaps prison?
Suspended animation?
But everything I do seems to hurt people, why?
I dont want to hurt anyone, I love everyone!
I hate causing people pain, even myself deep down.
I dont get it.

All these things I hate, revolve around me!
And I dont know what to do!