How is it possible to want to talk to someone, but when they finally do talk to you, even though you enjoy talking to them, and even though you wanna speak about your weekend, and about its trials, tribulations and excellencies, you dont and you zip it instead.
You shut off, and pretend everythings hunky dory, when in reality, your dying fast?
It doesnt make sense, and often it does more damage than sweet metal
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Delaying a post of blogger
How useful,
I just noticed that I can delay the posting of a message an even set a time for it to be posted on here. Wow, is that just asking for trouble or what. I wonder how many people have written their final post, stated where they can be found, worked out when their work will be complete, and set it for that time, and said farewell?
Its kinds of creepy, and I hope that one day I don't feel the need to delay such a post. Then again, better to ensure that and set a time to ensure that sensitive individuals are not the ones to make such a discovery. Better to alert those whose who are more capable of dealing with this. I cant imagine a child or youth discovering the scene, it makes me shiver.
But I doubt I'll ever use it, and if I did, Id probably screw it up, and someone would read it and go HELL NO, you arent leaving me here, we gotta get you safe............shiver, nasty memories and very uncomfortable circumstances to then life with.
Not that I could entirely blame them, but I still wouldnt appreciate it openly, but perhaps deep down Id feel different I dont know in all honesty.
Meh, no matter, if I did delay a post, it would be for that reason only, and it would be obvious, to ensure that those who may be unable to read it, do not.
I just noticed that I can delay the posting of a message an even set a time for it to be posted on here. Wow, is that just asking for trouble or what. I wonder how many people have written their final post, stated where they can be found, worked out when their work will be complete, and set it for that time, and said farewell?
Its kinds of creepy, and I hope that one day I don't feel the need to delay such a post. Then again, better to ensure that and set a time to ensure that sensitive individuals are not the ones to make such a discovery. Better to alert those whose who are more capable of dealing with this. I cant imagine a child or youth discovering the scene, it makes me shiver.
But I doubt I'll ever use it, and if I did, Id probably screw it up, and someone would read it and go HELL NO, you arent leaving me here, we gotta get you safe............shiver, nasty memories and very uncomfortable circumstances to then life with.
Not that I could entirely blame them, but I still wouldnt appreciate it openly, but perhaps deep down Id feel different I dont know in all honesty.
Meh, no matter, if I did delay a post, it would be for that reason only, and it would be obvious, to ensure that those who may be unable to read it, do not.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
I just looked in the mirror, and cannot even recognise the guy looking back at me in the mirror anymore.
I dont like what I see, and all I see is horror.
I see that Im too fat, not muscular enough, still losing muscle and gaining fat cos Im not working out.
I see that Im getting uglier, and that Im letting myself go. I need a hair cut, lots of pimple cream, and too lose at least 10 kilos.
I see so many scars across my body from tough times, and from some days where I no longer wanted to live. I still feel the pain of some and some of the despair I had when I realised that I had failed and that I would see another sunrise.
I see the freshly dried blood of the recent cuts, the burns of recent, and the bitten finger nails when I was stressed.
The hair of my legs and arms that I havent shaved, and the nails that I havent trimmed and kept clean.
The fat arse, fat legs, disgustingly fat and gross stomach and chest and my waist.
All the raised skin from scar tissue build up. The pimples and zits. Uhhh.
The worst part is, thats not even the worst part.
What about the stuff that I can only see through my eyes.
My eyes say horrible things that I have done.
I can see, clearly my attempts on my life, the large number that I tried to complete. And I hate myself for them. The fact that I tried to cause that kind of pain to so many others, and the fact that I know that Ill try again. The cuts that iv done to myself. The amount of pain, guilt and concern Ive caused people, and have driven them to do things they dont want to do.
I hate myself so much, I wish I could cut myself into tiny pieces. But even that would be too kind. Life is too pleasant for me. I should be beaten daily and tortured, after all, dont I do that myself anyway?
But when I do it, I control the pain level to a point, someone should take that away from me, and pay dearly. To have me begging for the end, but to refuse to give it.
For what I have caused other people, I hate myself.
All the damage I have caused, surely is worthy of nothing other than the death penalty?
I am oppossed to it, but cant help feel I of all people deserve it. But not nicely, and painlessley, perhaps being broken on the rack, or being boiled.
I am scum, I dont know why I should hate myself as much as I do, after all, many people perform attrocities, but it seems I hold myself to a higher standard, perhaps too high.
But it matters not, all I know, is I dont know how I can sleep at night, not very well really.
If Im not allowed the simple pleasure of a quiet and peaceful death, or a punishment death of severe pain, then what?
Should I just sleep, sleeping is peaceful, painless normally, and at least I cant easily hurt people.
Perhaps prison?
Suspended animation?
But everything I do seems to hurt people, why?
I dont want to hurt anyone, I love everyone!
I hate causing people pain, even myself deep down.
I dont get it.
All these things I hate, revolve around me!
And I dont know what to do!
I dont like what I see, and all I see is horror.
I see that Im too fat, not muscular enough, still losing muscle and gaining fat cos Im not working out.
I see that Im getting uglier, and that Im letting myself go. I need a hair cut, lots of pimple cream, and too lose at least 10 kilos.
I see so many scars across my body from tough times, and from some days where I no longer wanted to live. I still feel the pain of some and some of the despair I had when I realised that I had failed and that I would see another sunrise.
I see the freshly dried blood of the recent cuts, the burns of recent, and the bitten finger nails when I was stressed.
The hair of my legs and arms that I havent shaved, and the nails that I havent trimmed and kept clean.
The fat arse, fat legs, disgustingly fat and gross stomach and chest and my waist.
All the raised skin from scar tissue build up. The pimples and zits. Uhhh.
The worst part is, thats not even the worst part.
What about the stuff that I can only see through my eyes.
My eyes say horrible things that I have done.
I can see, clearly my attempts on my life, the large number that I tried to complete. And I hate myself for them. The fact that I tried to cause that kind of pain to so many others, and the fact that I know that Ill try again. The cuts that iv done to myself. The amount of pain, guilt and concern Ive caused people, and have driven them to do things they dont want to do.
I hate myself so much, I wish I could cut myself into tiny pieces. But even that would be too kind. Life is too pleasant for me. I should be beaten daily and tortured, after all, dont I do that myself anyway?
But when I do it, I control the pain level to a point, someone should take that away from me, and pay dearly. To have me begging for the end, but to refuse to give it.
For what I have caused other people, I hate myself.
All the damage I have caused, surely is worthy of nothing other than the death penalty?
I am oppossed to it, but cant help feel I of all people deserve it. But not nicely, and painlessley, perhaps being broken on the rack, or being boiled.
I am scum, I dont know why I should hate myself as much as I do, after all, many people perform attrocities, but it seems I hold myself to a higher standard, perhaps too high.
But it matters not, all I know, is I dont know how I can sleep at night, not very well really.
If Im not allowed the simple pleasure of a quiet and peaceful death, or a punishment death of severe pain, then what?
Should I just sleep, sleeping is peaceful, painless normally, and at least I cant easily hurt people.
Perhaps prison?
Suspended animation?
But everything I do seems to hurt people, why?
I dont want to hurt anyone, I love everyone!
I hate causing people pain, even myself deep down.
I dont get it.
All these things I hate, revolve around me!
And I dont know what to do!
Operation Pier Play
About
Operation Pier Play is a project founded by myself Dion Anderson, in a team with my father Grant Anderson. It is a diving project, that will likely last for a number of years until completion.
The projects mission is to 'dive all dive-able jetties in the coastal environment in South Australia".
The intent is for pictures to be taken, and for the eventual production and hopefully publication of a book titled Diving the Jetties of South Australia. This is a large task, as there is a possibility of over 65 jetties needing to be dived. Many are unlikely to be thrilling, but already a few little gems have been found.
At present, we have already dived over 20 jetties, including most of the Yorke Peninsula, and the majority of the metropolitan and Fleurieu Peninsula jetties.
Quite a task, but quite enjoyable, as it seems that many SA divers are too fussy on their sites, so we'll go find out own sites. There is only so many times you can dive the same site before you say, lets go do something different.
And since Im too young to hit the caves and tech stuff yet, and also since finances are contrary, this is a simple and cool project to undertake.
Operation Pier Play is a project founded by myself Dion Anderson, in a team with my father Grant Anderson. It is a diving project, that will likely last for a number of years until completion.
The projects mission is to 'dive all dive-able jetties in the coastal environment in South Australia".
The intent is for pictures to be taken, and for the eventual production and hopefully publication of a book titled Diving the Jetties of South Australia. This is a large task, as there is a possibility of over 65 jetties needing to be dived. Many are unlikely to be thrilling, but already a few little gems have been found.
At present, we have already dived over 20 jetties, including most of the Yorke Peninsula, and the majority of the metropolitan and Fleurieu Peninsula jetties.
Quite a task, but quite enjoyable, as it seems that many SA divers are too fussy on their sites, so we'll go find out own sites. There is only so many times you can dive the same site before you say, lets go do something different.
And since Im too young to hit the caves and tech stuff yet, and also since finances are contrary, this is a simple and cool project to undertake.
Favourite Music and Artists
A list of my favourite music and artists
- Bullet for my Valentine
- My Chemical Romance
- Taylor Swift
- Delta Goodrem
- Deep Purple
- Neil Young
- Neil Diamond
- George Thorogood
- Elton John
- Al Stewart
- Lady Antebellum
- 30 Seconds to Mars
- Three Days Grace
- James Blunt
- Hunters and Collectors
- Dido
- REM
- The Angels
- Cold Chisel
- Jimmy Barnes
- Redgum
- Good Charlotte
- Elvis Presley
- Rod Stewart
Fears
List of my Fears
- Hospitals
- Medical Personnel (doctors, nurses, social workers, etc)
- Deep Water
- Not being in control
- Living
- Not being in control of how I die
- Pain
- Fear itself
- The Unknown
- Teachers
- Strangers
- Medical Consultations
- My Dad
- Living a half life
- Guilt
It seems I can not get a good day, perhaps it isnt allowed by some weird coincidence.
It started out iffy, I had a tough night, on account of me finding out information about a friend that even now, I am struggling to deal with and am scared about. To make it worse, that information is likely to cause major concern for me for many weeks to come. So it looks like an emotional rollercoaster is in order.
Had a reasonable day, and now Iv fallen out of the sky. I want to be left alone, but suspect I know what may happen if that does happen. I would kill to bleed now, but too many people around, but I may go out later to relax. Perhaps a trip to the Jetty is in order, whether I come back from it, well that would be likely, but who knows. Doubt itll happen though.
Being forced into meeting with the youthlink worker is not helping, and my conversations with the shrink have continued to plague me. It looks like itll be a night of flashbacks and mental torture. I dont know how many times I can dissassemble these events and examine them. I never want to hear the word hospital again, or medical at the moment.
Given a sufficient bad mood, I wonder how desperate I could become, perhaps enough to follow tash.
Doubt it though, Im too weak, and I am disgusting to think of.
The fact I can even think of hurting everyone is horrible, but sometimes it seems like there is only one path, and that the abyss looks warm, comforting and totally pain free. A match made in death. mmm.
I still dont know why I cant just succeed in su, but I am either self sabotaging, too ambivalent to do it properly, perhaps too distressed to correctly do it, or just an idiot.
Probably all of them at once.
Haha, I cant do much right, cant even dance reaper style.
Some perhaps say it was fate, god will, or something like that.
I wish I could believe that, but I think its just tosh, to try to either keep me going, make me feel guilty, and I cant see that from this hole.
Its not like I havent tried, hell Iv tried. But I just dont see it.
Guess life is hard, but so is death.
There is still so much I want to do, but I cant believe it, but I would almost visit su just to not do wednesday, but what does that say about me?
Clearly that I may be fucked up beyond all repair.
If so, dont put me through the embarrassment of trying to stop me.
Ah, shit I dont know, I wont get homework done, Im on the brink of losing a good mate, and I feel like I cant do much about it, but Ill fuckin hate myself for it if I dont do something. Dam, its a moral argument, that many would only see one sided, but I see both sides, and do understand.
It started out iffy, I had a tough night, on account of me finding out information about a friend that even now, I am struggling to deal with and am scared about. To make it worse, that information is likely to cause major concern for me for many weeks to come. So it looks like an emotional rollercoaster is in order.
Had a reasonable day, and now Iv fallen out of the sky. I want to be left alone, but suspect I know what may happen if that does happen. I would kill to bleed now, but too many people around, but I may go out later to relax. Perhaps a trip to the Jetty is in order, whether I come back from it, well that would be likely, but who knows. Doubt itll happen though.
Being forced into meeting with the youthlink worker is not helping, and my conversations with the shrink have continued to plague me. It looks like itll be a night of flashbacks and mental torture. I dont know how many times I can dissassemble these events and examine them. I never want to hear the word hospital again, or medical at the moment.
Given a sufficient bad mood, I wonder how desperate I could become, perhaps enough to follow tash.
Doubt it though, Im too weak, and I am disgusting to think of.
The fact I can even think of hurting everyone is horrible, but sometimes it seems like there is only one path, and that the abyss looks warm, comforting and totally pain free. A match made in death. mmm.
I still dont know why I cant just succeed in su, but I am either self sabotaging, too ambivalent to do it properly, perhaps too distressed to correctly do it, or just an idiot.
Probably all of them at once.
Haha, I cant do much right, cant even dance reaper style.
Some perhaps say it was fate, god will, or something like that.
I wish I could believe that, but I think its just tosh, to try to either keep me going, make me feel guilty, and I cant see that from this hole.
Its not like I havent tried, hell Iv tried. But I just dont see it.
Guess life is hard, but so is death.
There is still so much I want to do, but I cant believe it, but I would almost visit su just to not do wednesday, but what does that say about me?
Clearly that I may be fucked up beyond all repair.
If so, dont put me through the embarrassment of trying to stop me.
Ah, shit I dont know, I wont get homework done, Im on the brink of losing a good mate, and I feel like I cant do much about it, but Ill fuckin hate myself for it if I dont do something. Dam, its a moral argument, that many would only see one sided, but I see both sides, and do understand.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Natasha Warnes - A Tribute
I never met Natasha Warnes,
but reading her story today has touched me, and I am now in tears.
Tragically yesterday on the 28 th of July,
she after struggling with harassment and the like (I don't know and won't speculate),
took her own life using sleeping pills and a plastic bag.
She may have been an frequenter of the website Pretty Alone,
a site I visit myself that provides comfort and support to those who feel alone and struggle.
It is clear from the facebook pages that she was dearly loved,
perhaps more dearly loved than she could possibly fathom, which maybe the case.
She succeeded in an area that many, including myself have failed countless times.
She is one of the 1 million people each year who leave us.
An angel now.
I hope that wherever you are now Natasha, that you have found that peace and happiness
that we all ultimately desire and deserve.
That so many people loved you, and you have touched many people and enriched their lives.
My thoughts are with her family, friends and those who knew her best.
Especially to Aleks Rokitski, who discovered her and performed CPR but
she was unresponsive. I cannot possibly fathom what he is going through now.
A 16 year old girl, who meant the world to so many.
Rest In Peace
Natasha Warnes
Be At Peace
but reading her story today has touched me, and I am now in tears.
Tragically yesterday on the 28 th of July,
she after struggling with harassment and the like (I don't know and won't speculate),
took her own life using sleeping pills and a plastic bag.
She may have been an frequenter of the website Pretty Alone,
a site I visit myself that provides comfort and support to those who feel alone and struggle.
It is clear from the facebook pages that she was dearly loved,
perhaps more dearly loved than she could possibly fathom, which maybe the case.
She succeeded in an area that many, including myself have failed countless times.
She is one of the 1 million people each year who leave us.
An angel now.
I hope that wherever you are now Natasha, that you have found that peace and happiness
that we all ultimately desire and deserve.
That so many people loved you, and you have touched many people and enriched their lives.
My thoughts are with her family, friends and those who knew her best.
Especially to Aleks Rokitski, who discovered her and performed CPR but
she was unresponsive. I cannot possibly fathom what he is going through now.
A 16 year old girl, who meant the world to so many.
Rest In Peace
Natasha Warnes
Be At Peace
NAILED and Despair
Well what do you know, it seems I've been fucked again. Seems that since I've been avoiding the shrink and social worker, they've decided they'd tell me I didn't have a choice, and that I have to meet with them next week, or they'll tell my Dad.
Yea, to say I'm fucked off is the biggest understatement in the world. Funny, cos I was having a good day, I bet you its fucked my weekend.
Yea, terrific, make me feel even more trapped than before, yea, don't worry, Dion will be fine, we'll just make him more edgy, make him more paranoid, and make him not trust anyone anymore. Well, by forcing me is one way to cause major problems.
But its fine, I promise I won't heed any fucking well bloody urges!
HA! What a fuckin joke. I ignored some of those killer urges, now give me a reason to fuckin heed them ay. Something to dread next week like all hell.
Yeah, I was getting homework done before, now Im overcome with despair and I can see that Im gonna split apart soon. Wish everyone would leave the house, I only want peace quiet.
I just want a bloody hug now, Im sooo scared. Cos if I tell Tom everything, then I may get bloody well hospitalised, something that whilst perhaps good for me, will scare me to death and may make it worse-it cant get much worse and Id sooner not be talking with Su more than I already am.
But if I tell Tom too less, then he may get to suss anyway. So I hope I can keep my tongue guarded, or else either repercusion will be undesirable.
So upset, not even anger, just trapped, and intense sadness, I just want to hide and for them to leave me alone. I was doing a little better the past 2 days, still tough, but productive in homework which was good, now there is a good chance that a spanner with be thrown into the works again. And I dont know how much Im gonna end up taking. Hell, I know whats gone on this past week, how long till I dont quit, till I am so far off the edge that I fall to my death?
Im trying to reduce the already mounting stress on me, but it seems the universe is bloody conspiring against me.
Please, why can they not just leave it alone, I dont care whether theres a mandated responsibility, moral responsibility or just cos you care, some things are best to be left for a while. If Im wrong, then soon I wont be posting, if Im right, then Ill come to my senses and reach out again, and perhaps climb out of this pit of despair and utter hopelessness Im in now.
Well, either way, there is only one or 2 ways I can relieve this now, and I tell you what, flames are hot, razors are sweet, but pills, hmm well, theyre painless.
Better than any the alternative anyway.
Yea, to say I'm fucked off is the biggest understatement in the world. Funny, cos I was having a good day, I bet you its fucked my weekend.
Yea, terrific, make me feel even more trapped than before, yea, don't worry, Dion will be fine, we'll just make him more edgy, make him more paranoid, and make him not trust anyone anymore. Well, by forcing me is one way to cause major problems.
But its fine, I promise I won't heed any fucking well bloody urges!
HA! What a fuckin joke. I ignored some of those killer urges, now give me a reason to fuckin heed them ay. Something to dread next week like all hell.
Yeah, I was getting homework done before, now Im overcome with despair and I can see that Im gonna split apart soon. Wish everyone would leave the house, I only want peace quiet.
I just want a bloody hug now, Im sooo scared. Cos if I tell Tom everything, then I may get bloody well hospitalised, something that whilst perhaps good for me, will scare me to death and may make it worse-it cant get much worse and Id sooner not be talking with Su more than I already am.
But if I tell Tom too less, then he may get to suss anyway. So I hope I can keep my tongue guarded, or else either repercusion will be undesirable.
So upset, not even anger, just trapped, and intense sadness, I just want to hide and for them to leave me alone. I was doing a little better the past 2 days, still tough, but productive in homework which was good, now there is a good chance that a spanner with be thrown into the works again. And I dont know how much Im gonna end up taking. Hell, I know whats gone on this past week, how long till I dont quit, till I am so far off the edge that I fall to my death?
Im trying to reduce the already mounting stress on me, but it seems the universe is bloody conspiring against me.
Please, why can they not just leave it alone, I dont care whether theres a mandated responsibility, moral responsibility or just cos you care, some things are best to be left for a while. If Im wrong, then soon I wont be posting, if Im right, then Ill come to my senses and reach out again, and perhaps climb out of this pit of despair and utter hopelessness Im in now.
Well, either way, there is only one or 2 ways I can relieve this now, and I tell you what, flames are hot, razors are sweet, but pills, hmm well, theyre painless.
Better than any the alternative anyway.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Weird day today,
Was ok this morning, quickly hit post UMAT blues.
Mixed feelings in biology, was good, then bad, and a continuous repetition as something inside awoke that I thought was gone. It seems that the part of me the wants to live awoke and decided to throw a tantrum. It seemed a vicious fight was being fought inside, it no longer seems my death is imminent, though whilst the living part of me is bigger than the dying portion, the dying portion is far stronger it seems.
Well, either way, it made my day weird.
For most of my double free, I cried a lot. Then finished it off by writing some of my biology essay up on adolescents and antidepressants-ironic I know.
Quickly followed by a downhill slide which continued for a bit through the chem test-groan, but rather easy.
Then decided I would head down to frets and pick up a few picks which improved mood drastically.
Had a stuff round on the ax, then ended up mulling some homework over, and hey, done, presto, finished it.
Now I've finally tidied up google chrome's bookmarks.
Had a rather interesting but disturbing discussion with Sharon. I really and unintentionally pushed her too much, by asking way too many questions that weren't easy. I may have said too much, I think she snapped, and I went into a diarrhea of the mouth, but not in a nasty way. Having looked back over what I wrote, I may regret that badly tomorrow. Especially if she gets iffy on it, which may cause tremendous head aches at the least, and at worst, well not being able to post for a while, which may cause a more permanent change-eg, it pushes me too far.
Well, I don't know, I don't think she will, I'd prefer her to at least speak to me first, so at least it gives me a chance to accept it a little better, rather than springing it upon me and nailing me to the wall so to speak, which is more likely to cause a major blade artery response, if i ever can find the bastards.
Anyway, overall, whilst not a good day, pretty productive, I am tempted to continue working all night whilst Im on a role, hell, Ive got at least 48 caffeine tablets left. Having said that, I still recall what 15 does to you......shiver.
Was ok this morning, quickly hit post UMAT blues.
Mixed feelings in biology, was good, then bad, and a continuous repetition as something inside awoke that I thought was gone. It seems that the part of me the wants to live awoke and decided to throw a tantrum. It seemed a vicious fight was being fought inside, it no longer seems my death is imminent, though whilst the living part of me is bigger than the dying portion, the dying portion is far stronger it seems.
Well, either way, it made my day weird.
For most of my double free, I cried a lot. Then finished it off by writing some of my biology essay up on adolescents and antidepressants-ironic I know.
Quickly followed by a downhill slide which continued for a bit through the chem test-groan, but rather easy.
Then decided I would head down to frets and pick up a few picks which improved mood drastically.
Had a stuff round on the ax, then ended up mulling some homework over, and hey, done, presto, finished it.
Now I've finally tidied up google chrome's bookmarks.
Had a rather interesting but disturbing discussion with Sharon. I really and unintentionally pushed her too much, by asking way too many questions that weren't easy. I may have said too much, I think she snapped, and I went into a diarrhea of the mouth, but not in a nasty way. Having looked back over what I wrote, I may regret that badly tomorrow. Especially if she gets iffy on it, which may cause tremendous head aches at the least, and at worst, well not being able to post for a while, which may cause a more permanent change-eg, it pushes me too far.
Well, I don't know, I don't think she will, I'd prefer her to at least speak to me first, so at least it gives me a chance to accept it a little better, rather than springing it upon me and nailing me to the wall so to speak, which is more likely to cause a major blade artery response, if i ever can find the bastards.
Anyway, overall, whilst not a good day, pretty productive, I am tempted to continue working all night whilst Im on a role, hell, Ive got at least 48 caffeine tablets left. Having said that, I still recall what 15 does to you......shiver.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I am that fucked up seriously?
My realisations to life, that there is no real point for existence, is being considered negative?
Ok, it may sound pessimistic, but is it not true?
Or am I that far affected that nothing I think is correct anymore?
Seriously M, what is it?
Or is it the fact that many people are too afraid to realise these things Ive realised?
That I am not merely pessimistic and am not violated and infiltrated by depression but merely being a realist?
I have had so many conversations with people about it, but at the end of it, they always say, oh but you'll get out of it, its just the depression talking.
And then people wonder I go quiet, and when people ask me what Im thinking, they don't like the fact that because they've degraded me a bit, and essentially told me, that Im so fucked up its not funny, that I reply, well I'm contemplating stepping in front of that bus, or taking a dive off the balcony.
I know Im fucked up, or so Im told, but are my thought processes so screwed up?
And if so, I don't think I want anyway if my thoughts are that screwed.
ARGHH!!!!
My realisations to life, that there is no real point for existence, is being considered negative?
Ok, it may sound pessimistic, but is it not true?
Or am I that far affected that nothing I think is correct anymore?
Seriously M, what is it?
Or is it the fact that many people are too afraid to realise these things Ive realised?
That I am not merely pessimistic and am not violated and infiltrated by depression but merely being a realist?
I have had so many conversations with people about it, but at the end of it, they always say, oh but you'll get out of it, its just the depression talking.
And then people wonder I go quiet, and when people ask me what Im thinking, they don't like the fact that because they've degraded me a bit, and essentially told me, that Im so fucked up its not funny, that I reply, well I'm contemplating stepping in front of that bus, or taking a dive off the balcony.
I know Im fucked up, or so Im told, but are my thought processes so screwed up?
And if so, I don't think I want anyway if my thoughts are that screwed.
ARGHH!!!!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
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Guilt Tripping
What the fuck is it with people and guilt tripping people in pain.
NEWSFLASH
If someone is considering killing themselves, guilt tripping them is NOT a good idea.
As for the argument of, what about everyone else?
When someone is like this, it is generally not a good idea to say this.
This is because, the person in severe pain is likely aware of it, but the pain outweighs anything.
It is like nothing imaginable.
In fact, by doing this, you maybe helping to push them off of life's little edge.
I know this from personal experience.
"Dion, your being selfish", yep thats right say that to me one more time, and I'll pull out the razor here and now and rip it hard and good just to make a point I am not joking.
The guilts is not a good idea.
In fact, little is worse, unless you pulled up a deck chair and said, go for it buddy. I'm sure youll put on a great show.
So Please! Don't give them more reason to do it.
My mother, friends, family, etc have done the same thing. Instead of stopping me, I fuckin well tried hard, but alas, I am a failure.
So for fuck's sake, DO NOT, guilt trip, or bring up things related.
I don't wanna hear it, there's a fair chance the person in pain doesn't, and I'll put my money on the fact that you don't want one of those calls on a lovely Sunday morning about what happened to your mate.
Sincerely,
The Guy who hears this a lot
NEWSFLASH
If someone is considering killing themselves, guilt tripping them is NOT a good idea.
As for the argument of, what about everyone else?
When someone is like this, it is generally not a good idea to say this.
This is because, the person in severe pain is likely aware of it, but the pain outweighs anything.
It is like nothing imaginable.
In fact, by doing this, you maybe helping to push them off of life's little edge.
I know this from personal experience.
"Dion, your being selfish", yep thats right say that to me one more time, and I'll pull out the razor here and now and rip it hard and good just to make a point I am not joking.
The guilts is not a good idea.
In fact, little is worse, unless you pulled up a deck chair and said, go for it buddy. I'm sure youll put on a great show.
but why at all? WHY?????? Have you ever had
>someone close to you commit suicide? Do you know how that feels???
>What makes you think you have the right to make someone else feel that
>way....so you say that no one would care. What about the people who
>find you afterwards? Even if they don't care, how do you think seeing
>a dead body would make them feel? If you're saying "Good! I hope it
>makes them feel bad", then you're offing yourself out of spite and
>that's just stupid. I have hit rock bottom before. I won't go into it,
>but I know you're thinking..."If this person is against suicide, then
>this person has never hit bottom." Whatever. If you people can't pick
>yourselves up and stop being selfish to the world around you, then
>maybe we're better off without you after all.
>What makes you think you have the right to make someone else feel that
>way....so you say that no one would care. What about the people who
>find you afterwards? Even if they don't care, how do you think seeing
>a dead body would make them feel? If you're saying "Good! I hope it
>makes them feel bad", then you're offing yourself out of spite and
>that's just stupid. I have hit rock bottom before. I won't go into it,
>but I know you're thinking..."If this person is against suicide, then
>this person has never hit bottom." Whatever. If you people can't pick
>yourselves up and stop being selfish to the world around you, then
>maybe we're better off without you after all.
This nutcase posted this on the newsgroup alt suicide holidays.
Great, so the guy who wasn't certain of death, has now been made to feel worse.
What a bastard.
"maybe we're better off without you"
I would like to give the prick a shot at living in the poor sufferers shoes.
Yes, it is bloody horrible what suicide does to families, but surely you want to prevent it? Not give more ammo for the guy.
Yes, if you insist on intervention, it need be done carefully, with every care and thought for the person in pain. Showing copious amounts of empathy, even if they're being a bastard.
So Please! Don't give them more reason to do it.
My mother, friends, family, etc have done the same thing. Instead of stopping me, I fuckin well tried hard, but alas, I am a failure.
So for fuck's sake, DO NOT, guilt trip, or bring up things related.
I don't wanna hear it, there's a fair chance the person in pain doesn't, and I'll put my money on the fact that you don't want one of those calls on a lovely Sunday morning about what happened to your mate.
Sincerely,
The Guy who hears this a lot
Pain
Just what is pain?
Is it a mere figment of imagination, created to cause care.
Is it a physiological response to a stimulus to help protect the bodies welfare from potentially harmful situations?
Or is it something else?
But none of these would psychological pain, only physical pain.
And either way, it is very difficult to alleviate both forms of pain.
For example, to overcome the pain in a cut, one could use ice, an ointment, or something else.
But it is only a pain reliever, not a pain avoider.
How can we avoid pain?
So we can continue on with out tasks.
Those tasks may be manual labor, recreational pursuits, or even succeeding in a final exit strategy.
Overcoming pain, seems to be a virtually impossible task, perhaps only done through sheer mind power.
I don't know, but pain excites me and perplexes me.
It is both beautiful and horrible.
It both inhibits and assists in life.
And I love it and hate it.
Is it a mere figment of imagination, created to cause care.
Is it a physiological response to a stimulus to help protect the bodies welfare from potentially harmful situations?
Or is it something else?
But none of these would psychological pain, only physical pain.
And either way, it is very difficult to alleviate both forms of pain.
For example, to overcome the pain in a cut, one could use ice, an ointment, or something else.
But it is only a pain reliever, not a pain avoider.
How can we avoid pain?
So we can continue on with out tasks.
Those tasks may be manual labor, recreational pursuits, or even succeeding in a final exit strategy.
Overcoming pain, seems to be a virtually impossible task, perhaps only done through sheer mind power.
I don't know, but pain excites me and perplexes me.
It is both beautiful and horrible.
It both inhibits and assists in life.
And I love it and hate it.
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.
I really hate hate myself.
That was a really fuckin dumb idea.
Stupid dumb fool.
Someone hire a hitman for Dion Anderson now!
I'll even give you my address to get him to do a good job,
cos it seems I bloody well can't do it!
GRRRRR!
Not impressed.
Terrific, hello world, and hello scar tissue.
Shit this pain is killer.
I really hate hate myself.
That was a really fuckin dumb idea.
Stupid dumb fool.
Someone hire a hitman for Dion Anderson now!
I'll even give you my address to get him to do a good job,
cos it seems I bloody well can't do it!
GRRRRR!
Not impressed.
Terrific, hello world, and hello scar tissue.
Shit this pain is killer.
Monday, July 25, 2011
A Trip to the W&CH and some of its repercussions
I do not understand this.
After an event which involved a trip to the Womens and Childrens Hospital,
I felt betrayed.
Now whilst I understood everyone's reasoning for what they did, and would myself, probably have done the same thing, it does not mean I liked it.
Thankfully, I managed to avoid a 72 hour hold by some quick thinking and smooth talking, as well as a bit of luck, but who am I really kidding.
Anyway, this was some weeks ago now.
But I still cannot help but feel I was badly betrayed, and whilst I have forgiven those who partook in what resulted in the trip, it seems I cannot let it go, no matter how hard I try.
I cannot stop thinking about it, it haunts me day and night and I have analysed the situation and various offshoots of it countless times.
Anything that is slightly associated with the medical profession reminds me of it and then I am stuck on it again.
It is frustrating me, because since this, my sleeping, exercise, study, eating and most other habits have seemingly gone rather bad. Worse than before. Crash dieting has gone crazy, as has binge eating, study barely exists, same with exercise, and sleeping, well it is disturbed and mainly involves trying to shut my head up cos its thinking about it all.
Not only that, it seems my trust level, which I thought had recovered, has not done so. In fact, I've only just realised that I've continued to withdraw from people and life itself. I had managed to halt much of this prior to the event occurring.
I had hoped that whilst I was scared shitless, that perhaps it may help me, or remind me what was at stake. Instead, all I feel has happened is everything has steadily gotten worse. I stopped the cutting for a while, but recently has popped back up, as has the uptake of burning, and the abuse of OTC medications.
I don't know how such an event could trigger so much. Why has it affected me so much. Yes, I have a fear of hospitals, but why did I have to react like this?
To top it off, I often feel really sick in my stomach and more than not end up in tears because I still feel that people who I really truly trusted, broke that trust. It feels like I have been violated badly, and I don't know how I can feel that way. After all, these people really just gave a shit, and thought that something may happen, and rightly so.
I guess part of it is because it occurred on a Friday night, when it was established fact among the main person involved that I would not be alone till the Saturday night, and then I would have 24 hours to myself.
As it so happened, it was pure luck that nothing arose on that Saturday night. I wanted to, and was all planned out, but lacked the energy and ended up running out of time, and I guess that I may have been more ambivalent about it then I thought.
Anyway, the fact remains that I'm still terrified that a visit back there may occur, probably because it is apparent that things are getting worse and sometimes it seems that there nothing left.
It is also true that whatever the reason, since that day, I cannot stop thinking of it, and it has driven me to the brink too many times. I would prefer not to play such roulette with such a stupid event.
Furthermore, my main confidant, who may or may not have been involved (she says she had no part in it, and whilst I believe her, one or 2 things don't add up-more interrogation necessary), has been largely shut off by me. I don't want it to happen, but I no longer know who to trust, even though I know that if it came to it, I would do what had to be done to keep someone here.
The reality is, I can trust no one, since if people do believe that they're talking to me for what maybe the last time, they may feel compelled to act, after all no one wants those kind of regrets.
But if I don't trust someone, then there is little hope for me, and my days are incredibly limited, probably measured in days, not years.
I know not what I should do, many believe it is a straight forward answer, but they are fools.
Nothing is black and white. Not even suicide.
After an event which involved a trip to the Womens and Childrens Hospital,
I felt betrayed.
Now whilst I understood everyone's reasoning for what they did, and would myself, probably have done the same thing, it does not mean I liked it.
Thankfully, I managed to avoid a 72 hour hold by some quick thinking and smooth talking, as well as a bit of luck, but who am I really kidding.
Anyway, this was some weeks ago now.
But I still cannot help but feel I was badly betrayed, and whilst I have forgiven those who partook in what resulted in the trip, it seems I cannot let it go, no matter how hard I try.
I cannot stop thinking about it, it haunts me day and night and I have analysed the situation and various offshoots of it countless times.
Anything that is slightly associated with the medical profession reminds me of it and then I am stuck on it again.
It is frustrating me, because since this, my sleeping, exercise, study, eating and most other habits have seemingly gone rather bad. Worse than before. Crash dieting has gone crazy, as has binge eating, study barely exists, same with exercise, and sleeping, well it is disturbed and mainly involves trying to shut my head up cos its thinking about it all.
Not only that, it seems my trust level, which I thought had recovered, has not done so. In fact, I've only just realised that I've continued to withdraw from people and life itself. I had managed to halt much of this prior to the event occurring.
I had hoped that whilst I was scared shitless, that perhaps it may help me, or remind me what was at stake. Instead, all I feel has happened is everything has steadily gotten worse. I stopped the cutting for a while, but recently has popped back up, as has the uptake of burning, and the abuse of OTC medications.
I don't know how such an event could trigger so much. Why has it affected me so much. Yes, I have a fear of hospitals, but why did I have to react like this?
To top it off, I often feel really sick in my stomach and more than not end up in tears because I still feel that people who I really truly trusted, broke that trust. It feels like I have been violated badly, and I don't know how I can feel that way. After all, these people really just gave a shit, and thought that something may happen, and rightly so.
I guess part of it is because it occurred on a Friday night, when it was established fact among the main person involved that I would not be alone till the Saturday night, and then I would have 24 hours to myself.
As it so happened, it was pure luck that nothing arose on that Saturday night. I wanted to, and was all planned out, but lacked the energy and ended up running out of time, and I guess that I may have been more ambivalent about it then I thought.
Anyway, the fact remains that I'm still terrified that a visit back there may occur, probably because it is apparent that things are getting worse and sometimes it seems that there nothing left.
It is also true that whatever the reason, since that day, I cannot stop thinking of it, and it has driven me to the brink too many times. I would prefer not to play such roulette with such a stupid event.
Furthermore, my main confidant, who may or may not have been involved (she says she had no part in it, and whilst I believe her, one or 2 things don't add up-more interrogation necessary), has been largely shut off by me. I don't want it to happen, but I no longer know who to trust, even though I know that if it came to it, I would do what had to be done to keep someone here.
The reality is, I can trust no one, since if people do believe that they're talking to me for what maybe the last time, they may feel compelled to act, after all no one wants those kind of regrets.
But if I don't trust someone, then there is little hope for me, and my days are incredibly limited, probably measured in days, not years.
I know not what I should do, many believe it is a straight forward answer, but they are fools.
Nothing is black and white. Not even suicide.
The Meaning of Life
Many people spend many years searching and pondering the meaning of life.
I am one of those people and for countless years, I have spent thousands of hours pondering this.
From as young as I could remember, I pondered this.
At first, I believed in religion, and considered that there must be a divine meaning to it, that would become more apparent at a later stage.
Then, I became disenchanted with religion, having seen too much pain and the like and came to the conclusion that there must be no divine meaning, but a meaning somewhere else.
So then I searched elsewhere, exerting much effort to find it.
It was only this year that I came to the realisation about the meaning of life and living.
Unfortunately it was at a time that I was slipping into a bottomless pit I have yet to climb out of, and the realisation only made things worse.
I realised that there is indeed no meaning of life.
No reason for being.
That in 100 years or so, we would not be living and probably not remembered.
That the human race is failing and what we do today, tomorrow, in a decade, ultimately come to mean absolutely nothing.
That nothing means anything.
Life as we know it, life on earth, the very existence of life is mere chance.
That the evolution of life, the creation of DNA, is a chance.
That at the end of our life, it all comes down to nothing.
That there is no afterlife, no peaceful place.
Whilst these thoughts may hurt many people's ideals, they are of course my views and observations, and what I hold to be true.
For me, this begs the question, what is the point of continuing such a monotonous and pointless existence when nothing counts?
Nothing matters?
I don't know, and I am unsure whether I wish to continue such an existence.
After all, if you were to not see a purpose in playing a sport, because it was impossible to win, many would leave the sport. Of course, some would continue to play the game, for the love of the game.
I don't know which of them I am.
But the fact remains, that since my realisation of this, my life has been drastically affected by it, and I cannot hope to get better until I get around this, or I shall fade to nothing.
I am one of those people and for countless years, I have spent thousands of hours pondering this.
From as young as I could remember, I pondered this.
At first, I believed in religion, and considered that there must be a divine meaning to it, that would become more apparent at a later stage.
Then, I became disenchanted with religion, having seen too much pain and the like and came to the conclusion that there must be no divine meaning, but a meaning somewhere else.
So then I searched elsewhere, exerting much effort to find it.
It was only this year that I came to the realisation about the meaning of life and living.
Unfortunately it was at a time that I was slipping into a bottomless pit I have yet to climb out of, and the realisation only made things worse.
I realised that there is indeed no meaning of life.
No reason for being.
That in 100 years or so, we would not be living and probably not remembered.
That the human race is failing and what we do today, tomorrow, in a decade, ultimately come to mean absolutely nothing.
That nothing means anything.
Life as we know it, life on earth, the very existence of life is mere chance.
That the evolution of life, the creation of DNA, is a chance.
That at the end of our life, it all comes down to nothing.
That there is no afterlife, no peaceful place.
Whilst these thoughts may hurt many people's ideals, they are of course my views and observations, and what I hold to be true.
For me, this begs the question, what is the point of continuing such a monotonous and pointless existence when nothing counts?
Nothing matters?
I don't know, and I am unsure whether I wish to continue such an existence.
After all, if you were to not see a purpose in playing a sport, because it was impossible to win, many would leave the sport. Of course, some would continue to play the game, for the love of the game.
I don't know which of them I am.
But the fact remains, that since my realisation of this, my life has been drastically affected by it, and I cannot hope to get better until I get around this, or I shall fade to nothing.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Whyalla Cuttlefish Trip (19th - 20th July 2011)
Headed down to Whyalla to see the cuttlefish mate.
It was a pretty cool spectacle on both counts, namely cuttlefish are cool, and the water is every bit as cool.
Seems the chameleons of the ocean are sneaky little buggers to pass on their genes. Having witnessed a number of sneaky little tricks the males played.
Wasn't a bad trip, would've been better if Dad got off his phone.
We dived the Point Lowly Fenceline, and the Whyalla Fisherman's Jetty.
Point Lowly for the cuttlefish, and Whyalla for Operation Pier Play.
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