I paid for the other night badly. I have since sunk into a bought of what can only be described as severe misery amounting to and leading to some suicidal contemplation's. When I was tripping the other night, I was incredibly tempted to take the leftovers of the ssri cos i knew that dxm and ssri can potentially lead to serotonin syndrome which can be fatal. though on closer examination, its not nearly as it is made out to be or as dangerous. i probably wouldve ended up with a nasty hangover, though i had a bloody horrible one on saturday. it really fucked me up to a high degree. i sat the chem exam in the morning and only got 58%, and its shit cos i wouldve done better if i wasnt still fuckin half out of it. i collapsed on the friday night, and couldnt get up for a while. it was weird and kinda scary. pupils werent responding either. weird, and felt sooo light headed. fuck all euphoric effects, no pleasant tingling. robo trips tast like shit, feel semi ok, and the hangover was dam killer. sucked ass. dunno if ill do it again, probably just to finish the bottle off and then i doubt id ever do it again. besides, i know that in extensive use it can cause vacuolisation of brain cells, which would be bad. fuckin dumb shit and i feel retarded for it. the saturday night was ok but i got really snappy at people i shouldnt and i really hate myself for it. dad really sent me over twice last night. i was soooo desperate to go back to the cutting, and burning. hell suicide sounded ok. i havent really had much contact with him, and i think hes pissed. he just went off last night, im still looking after my suicidal mate, it sucks, cos i dont know why im begging her not to. fuck id love to, im pleading for her life just as much as mine. but i dont think anything will happen majorly till after exams. then i may b dangerous. will have 2 c wat happens. but atm i feel that another shot at it is certain and that next time i may regret it a bloody lot. stupid knowledge, i know too much. even now im learning more about drug interactions. but i also know its a dedicated thing, if i did that, there's no going back. i either suceed, fail and keep quiet, or get found out and find myself in a really embarrassing situation. namely my chances of entering the adf being fucked 4 3 years as well. ahh shit wat do i do. what do u do with a fucked up person like me? take em out the back and shoot em? hold them tight and what not? but is that just mollycoddling? fuck knows, kick the crap out of me and see if u can kick it out. i dont know if i can hold off the cutting. i want it, but i dont want to. its like there's this piece missing from me, and whenever i hurt, like find out my mates r going out tonight, or that a mate of mine is getting real close to someone i like or what not, its just kills, especially when i know that i dont deserve anything like that. this is fucked. what the hell has happened in the past 12 months? i just wanna go back to then!!!! let me tell myself to not b a fuckhead about it, and grow some balls. let me kcik the living fuck out of the little pussy cunt and tell him to wake up to the fucked upness of the world. to say HEY COCKBAG, Ur old man is not the guy u think he is, dont loose ur independence and DONT START RELYING ON OTHER PEOPLE!!!!
Now Im dam near incompetent and i dont know what to believe,.
Lost, and with fuck knows where to go.
Im trapped, is death the onlly way out?
Im scared, squash the ugly kid-me, im wasting oxygen and resources.
death, death death.

Wouldnt it be grand to take a pistol by the hand and wouldnt it be great if we were DEAD! - MCR

Trip

Well they say like father like son, iv finally done it.
Right now im tripping, robo tripping.
i didnt think i was after the movie, but when i got up i feel back down and head is now spinning.
very strange, not exactly in control.
went to the fridge staggered, made it back to my room before i collapsed. makes it interesting.
unsure if i like the sensation, feel dumb now, but also slightly satisfied.
i cant keep my eyes still.
id say borderline between 1st and 2nd plateau.
dunno if ill do it again.
kinda freaked. that is all, hopefully no dxm hangover

I will resist I will resist I will resist.
Ah shit, I havent cut for more than a week, but shit I want to sooo badly.
But I dont know if Ill stop. Ahhhhhhh!
Want to sleep and deal with in the morning but I cant.
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD!
Why didnt i look at this draft sooner.
Ahhh, hang me by the neck with a CN tablet in mouth and shoot me.
But no, I wont, I remember what happened last time with teh chloroamines, horrible painful and disgusting.
Hoping itll be enough deterent as I think that is why my cough is so bad, id like to think not as itd mean i damaged my lungs. DICK HEAD!
what kind of a dip shit tries it like that and without teh full commitment.
Ahh, got hold of some DXM the other day, trying to resist not using it, i know that zoning is not a good idea, but its tempting as it alcohol right now, but I dont trust myself, id probably use them both to ease myself out.
i really need to ditch all the dangerous shit i have, disappointed i couldnt throw the razor at porties, couldnt let it go, i was terrified of doing so.
ah, dont deserve love, for my mates, i keep on going, though that force is fading, too much pressure. dunno if ill snap probs, hopefully after exams, then iv got my mates cos goign away to edithburgh, hopefully itll give me enough time to let me calm down otherwise it could result in peace permanently.
want to leave fb, im causing 2 much pain. perhaps i should run away.
nope., face problems, kill them or me.
wish tammy wasnt hell bent on destruction its killing me.
im an idiot
that is all, oh and i want hugs, they make me feel happy, and warm and loved.
love me!
split with bec today, she took it well, didnt seem overly bothered, still just as close before, makes me happier. im hanging in there. just want my rp to be done, so tempted to cut cut cut. or burn burn burn.
oh shit, that burn is tempting.
gotta resist. i want the reserves next month.
I aint ever satisfied.
That is all

Well, life is getting worse.
On saturday I went for a dodgy dive, but I did what I needed to to help Steve, and thats the main thing. I am learning to function in limited to virtually nil vis. Was good to see everyone, especially Steve, Wendy and Sue.
Went to a party that night, Cassi's 18th. It was hard for me to interact, though shit when down, and I was given a chance to shine. Poor Justin, Cassis boyfriend, now ex had a shitload to drink, and ended up collapsing to the floor. When asked to take him home, I realised it wasnt going to happen for a while, and proceeded to tend to him for a few hours. He wasnt even really throwing up, it just creeped up his throat. He freaked out a few times, but I managed to get him home by 1230. I think he has 4 fits, cos he sorta seized up, I nearly took him to hospital but was hesistant cos I didnt want the hard working docs and nurses there dealing with another Saturday  night drunk. I didnt think it was fair on them, also as one can imagine, I have my reservations still. Obviously I have analysed this situation and question whether I did the right things, he is ok now, but I did worry for a while. Typically, when I got home, it sent me off into anxeity and shakes unfortunately, nearly broke down, I started to worry people. Felt bad for it, guess thats life. Kinda enjoyed it, I think I earnt a lot of respect from people. Dont know if I deserve the praise I received and continue to receive. I have been counselling a 14 year girl in trying to not commit suicide. She desperately wants to, and I desperately dont want her to. i dont think she realises that Im breaking, and Im trying to convince myself just as much as herself not to. I feel its almost certain that she will attempt now, especially since she lost a FB friend to suicide Saturday. Poor girl, I wish I could take her pain away.But i cant even take away mine.
Ive been upseetting people again, Emma, and that. Causing them worry. I dont know what to do, Im running out of options, in fact that time has passed. Mixed my little deadly cocktail again, took a whiff, was nearly sick. Pretty sure its a chlroamine, and deadly, looking at what it does and how much it reacts, but its a hard smell to take, and Ill need much more products and an enclosed space that I can warn people of the dangers.
In a ambivalent mood, just dont care, just want sleep, hating myself for my lack of revision. Was prepared to cut the fuck out of myself today, but to no avail, the flu has me and Im in pain as it is, I couldnt bare the additional. Contemplating getting numbing cream if I can find some effective stuff dont know if thats so I can attempt suicide, or just so I can get more into it. But either way, i guess its a shit idea, and i have screwed up motivations.
Fuck, I dont believe it, I just dont wanna die, but I feel Im gonna. Fuck what do i do?
This pressure, I dont know if itll boil over or what. I just feel mentally drained, and now physically drained, like butter scraped over too much bread.
I feel that hope is fadded, life will always be painful like this. To some, I sound pathetic, weak willed, etc, and you know what, your probably right. Perhaps I am just part of the natural selection process. The strong survive.
I dont know if this will be my last post, but even with the news that soon I will be ready to sit my Bronze Latin Medal for dance, it may well be. If I can find the courage to do it, and ensure ambivalence doesnt get in my way. If it does, Ill screw up, and look stupid and perhaps find myself in hosptial, Id sooner die I think,....but perhaps not, I dont know.
Considered throwing myself off the telstra building, but I think Id back out, and may alert security in the process, which would most certainly get me a pysch eval, and potential sectioning for 72 hrs. Which would be embarrassing, and tbh, atm could well sign my death warrant.
Dunno, drowning? I have a number of ideas for it, but itd be hard and Id have to b committed, and reality is, Im not committed, so I need something that doesnt require too much effort, but is pretty successful, painless would b good, but depends on what type of pain.
Hanging, potentially good idea, but nasty for others, especially Dad. Car accident, as long as it involves only me, on a deserted road, people may never know. But Iv tried it before, and theres too much thought. Poisoning, now if I can get access to teh correct chemicals, this is a good one, as is plastic bag asphyxiation, though iv tried it so many times. Requires a sleeping tablet, cant get one. Bleeding, exsanguiation, if i can get deep enough, yes. Drug overdose, if i can get the right ones, yes. May be painful for me, thats cool, just needs to b quick, and leave me in a decent state. Maybe thinners.
Fuck knows, its clear i still dont know, perhaps I just do it on an impulse, be impulsive, or maybe plan it out, that little stash of pills would screw me up, as 2 the times and speed and pain, probably high. High probability of screwing up, but not telling anyone would be to my advantage, perhaps do it when Dad goes to qld, might b next week, could collapse on say a monday and would hopefully have enough time to expire.
Dunno, so many ideas, and I should b studying, everytime I dont study, increases my desire to DIE.
Catch anyone on the flip flop, c how we go, I may be back on, sadly probably will be.

Existential Crises

Just had a break from a little study-yes its finally happening, and I came across something which has greatly caught my interest and something I can relate to a lot.
It is a philosophical school of thought known as existentialism. Having quickly skimmed it, I realised that following exams, much more delving will be required to satisfy my hunger. In that realisation and in this discovery, I found a peculiar thing that may relate to me again, and the blues.
I located information on existential depression, which is a form of depression brought on by basically the questioning of ones own existance and the like in the world, something that has been termed an existential crisis. When someone starts questioning the very foundations with which their life is built upon, it can create such a thing. Over the past few years, I have come to slowly realise many things, many of it related to existentialism. Having said that, many other things triggered me this year, stress, pressure, etc, but I think that this questioning may have caused or contributed to my landslide of suicidal feelings, etc.
In fact, I know it did, I just didnt have a name for it before.
I have chatted to a few others about it, who also have similar issues, though they believe that since it is largely based on relatively sound knowledge, it is much more difficult to kick. In fact they themselves have made extensive plans for their demise, and believe they themselves will end their life soon enough. They also believe that very few experience it, since many people do not think entirely for themselves, and that it is a 'wisemans affliction'. Cant say I agree with that, as then I would have to realise that Im 'special' and wise, something I havent seen evident yet. But perhaps others think differently. Basically, Ive realised what some of this is now, now I need to beat exams, and then research into how I can perhaps stop this crisis of sorts, and get back on a level plain. I attempted twice yesterday, and the 2nd time, whilst pathetic, now I come to think of it, was probably the most dangerous thing Ive ever done. Using my own newfound science knowledge to try a chemical form. Not a good idea, as now I think about, the burning, coughing, and feelings of breathlessness probably wasnt that smart. From research, I think a form of a chloroamine was formed, hence not reccommended, and dont be a fool like I was, it was only a small amount, but shit it bloody hurt and was uncomfortable.
Thankfully, I dont notice any residual effects, so I figure it may not have been that bad, still, I know from research its bloody deadly, and easy to produce, but is an absolute shitty way to try anything.
Meh, life is interesting, I only wanna dance the night away, and intend to do so soon. At teh moment, diving has taken a little backseat, and dancing, dam I wanna chase it, just need a partner to dance with, who wants to compete. That would be heaven. Dancing most night, YEAH!
Meh, back to physics, and the structure of atom, Im not game to see how forsyth has destroyed my asignment, it may break me and Im scared of that. Perhaps Ill do it when I can get some company. To make sure it doesnt flip me too much.
Haha, the look on some peooples faces if they knew what happens sometimes due to them, not taht i blame them, they do their job, and I act like a fool. Hence the refusal to admit Im 'wise', though perhaps Im driven by fear, pain, and the blues.
Meh, back to it all.
Adios amigos.
Be good or real bad, Ill love you no matter.
:P

Oh shakespeare, the mere thought of u calms me at times.
This book i clutch between fingers, oh its beaufitul, ur words speak to me across the vast gap of time that has become.
I shall hold on for the time being.
My feeble attempt at joining u 2day failed after awakening and tearing it off me.
but please, dont leave me. ur words r precious, they speak to the emotions, and right now, if its posisble, a hug would suffice.
i feel ever alone, i desire study, yet my mind it swirls with uncomprehensible things.
desires, impulsions, and overall a desire to be held right now, to be hugged, warmed and feel close to another, for right now, i feel deatched from the outside world, like i dont matter at all.
i dont desire death, i only desire love, warmth and happiness, and not sorrow, pain, and coldness.
but if the latter is all i am to have, then nothing at all is all i desire.
nothing, non-existance, ad infinitum.
suicide, its not pretty, painless, or happy, but at times, its all i have.
knowing that if all goes so bad, that fuck it all, i cant go with it anymore, that death will welcome me just as much.
if i knew suicide was painless, then perhaps i could do it more easily, but yet, i think to much, i know what it can do, to others, to me if i fail. the possibility of being sectioned, could make things worse, unless i could use it to climb up and out. no the potential to wake up in a locked room terrifies me. hospital if ur a patient must b terrible, but worse for those locked in doors.
that perhaps is what haunts me at times, that and the fact that i cannot help but wonder the what ifs of this year.
all i know, is that there is a strong likelihood of my life resting on these exams. if i do poorly, i know what the stakes may be. what may occur. the half plans made, the ideas, the comfort.
yet i still dont desire it. i want to do well, and get out of here. it sucks. i wanna die happy, not miserable and in a cold dark place.
to die clutched in the arms of someone i love. my dad and mother r not those people, never have been and never will b. my mother hurt me today, and dad causes pain hed never realise.
im just a miserable little fuck.
talking 2 someone today whos lost someone to suicide teh other month, i mentioned him here aleks. a decent bloke, who works as a mental health assistant. telling me whats gone on, and all that. i think he may have thought things r going down hill, and of course he's right. hell i tried to catch the bus today., oart of me still desires it, but i dont really know what id do, perhaps the belt or someone, the leaps of faith frighten me, and mothers little helper dont tend to do much except get u in a lot of pain and if u say something, in an ed near u with the posisbility of damage or sectioning. hypo is uncomfortable, as is starvation, and dehy.
metal pieces burn like all fuck, and again, from personal experience one needs to b in a highly emotional state to get to the goodies, and even then, it often fails, cauing an absolute shitload of pain unless one gets hold of numbspray, whihc i dont know where to get and if it works. though ice does work with the dis of that goodies tend to hid from view due to the low temp.
h20 intox is bloody horirble, tried and failed, u need a thrist that u can kill. hazmat stuff, not good idea, can b quick, but dangerous to others, as is leaps of desperation. well, looks like im left with life, and finding someone or something to hold, hug and cry. and then perhaps if im as smart as others say, chatting to someone, but not dad. fuck him, he doesnt get it, and he hurts too much, from me. unsure if chatting to pdoc is a good idea, but the suicide forums r life savers. prolife, but dam u can chat and most people just try and get it out, and not do it. that, and if i can get a grip of myself, do the only kind of jumping i should b doing into some textbooks, and plow on. heat, hugs, chat, cry, study. if it works, good. if not, fuck knows what i do.
if anyone reads this, give the nearest loved one a hug. i used to not value hugs, but now when i get one, i treasure it, its like gold to me atm, and probablu helps more as well.

love how my maths teacher can tear me down though, told me my assignment was bad., fuck redo. unimpressed. spent near 12 hrs on it. brief impulse to but certain objects in places they dont belong passed, didnt even bleed much a few hrs later. dont have the impulse or desire now. just makes it too painful when i actually get a hug.
Hug

I have an incredible desire for hugs.
I just want to be held and never let go.
I hurt, and Im despairing. Im still getting through work, but I feel Im being attacked from every angle, mainly
the angle at which Dad resides at. He seems to be getting upset at me so easily, and I dont think he realises how pathetically weak and vulnerable I am right now.
I just look at my next 6 weeks, and freak, cry, and cut a little.
I know I can get through them, but Im so scared.
I just want someone to hold me whenever things get like this, to support me when I can not support myself, so I can finish what I started 12 and a half years ago, on my quest for success and happiness.
But it seems Ive pushed those who I care away from me.
Dad doesnt understand, I dont think he ever will, and hence I try not to let him in on much.
I doubt he'd realise any bad signs, sometimes I question if he really cares as much about me as he says he does.
I know that bad, cos he does, he just doesnt understand how to help. This is all so new to him, but should I really ask him to change, to be more accomodating for me? Am I worth that effort, that pain?
I just cant shake this, Im still afraid of every shadow, and am at a loss for what to do, what I want to do.
I did consider calling a mate, or even a call service and chatting to someone. But often I talk in a way that can induce concern, and attention, and I am unsure if that is what I desire, to be helped, or to be left to my own devices. I have enough fresh memories of pain to frighten many people. I no longer notice much, I didnt realise how much I am used to it till I watched underbelly last night. Someone got razored badly across the face, and I didnt think it was that bad, just 3 or 4 long cuts across the face. It didnt look that bad, but dad was totally horified by it. Perhaps by being less horified by it, it may help later, if and when I become a doctor. So people dont feel ugly. I still think everyones beautiful, except for me.
Atm, Im starving myself a little. Unsure why, I just dont like my appearance anymore.
My artwork is threatening to come down to my arms again, it sits on my shoulders and legs for teh time being.
I went for teh scratching last night instead of the blade, though the blade still follows everywhere.
I dont know why I dont just stop, even when Im ok, it seems to appear in my hands, almost like a compulsion.
So far the best Iv done in 2 weeks is to make 60 hours I think.
Its getting less, cos Im just not driven enough, but feelings are sometimes bad.
Had strong compulsion a week a bit ago to do something that would not achieve the means to the end that I desire, and may have got me too friendly with the very professionals I seek to be one of. I really need to remove objects that are of use to me when Im feeling impulsive, or at least make sure that they wont put me in positions Id sooner not be in.
Mind you, having said that I suspect that had such an impulse overtook all reason, I suspect nothing of serious negative consequence would have overtaken me as long as my mouth was kept closed.
After research into it, even with the impulsions, I knew that the chances of anything actually eventuating without the interference of liquor was miniscule, let along success. Mind you, we all have individual susceptibilities I guess.
All I know, is perhaps silence is key, perhaps it isnt.
Is it acceptable to transfer some of ones pain, concern, anxiety etc upon others to perhaps achieve some temperorary relief? If so, then perhaps I should stop my masked silence and at least accept some support from one or two people who I know can at least support if not help me?
With this getting hotter and it probably doing so as the looming exams approach, perhaps it is better to enlist the help of friends, who do not have exams, or at least not a lot to concern over as support. Then maybe when the day wears on, and I become less resistant to outside forces, I can be supported from the demons that at times come with incredible strength, and will.
After all, is not a war fought with many others who are strong against a foe who is equally determined?
Well, here is someone who is trying to fight a war against a strong foe, and I fight it alone, and weaken, when allies may still lie ready to help.
But then again, this is a war with myself. Though the stakes are similar.
In war, victory is survival, defeat is usually death. The stakes are virtually the same.
I think I need to space out from my Dad though, to protect him from me, and me from him.
He may suspect a little, but I do wonder if he realises where I am.
I am stronger than I imagine, but for how much longer.
These exams may break me, preferably after.
Either way, this will hurt a lot.
I can only hope I hold on, and can create enough distractions, that are happy to redevelop myself after this is all done. To rebirth my desire for survival, for victory, and for happiness and love.
For without it, next year will be worse, and that is just too horrible to fully comprehend.
With diving and dancing, I know not how I can still desire to dive, and dance in blackpool, england and compete internationally in ballroom, and yet still contemplate all that may stop it. That may let it die, with me.
It is uncomprehendable to my much clouded mind.
What is most curious, is I feel I am most clear headed when contemplating and even planning demises of the physical state.
How can that be so?
How many others have truly become like I am this year?
I cannot fathom how others are, but I will never feel I did myself proud in year 12,
and everytime I realise this, I just want to dive headfirst from the gap, or golden gate bridge.
Perhaps that will fade with time, I hope so, for such torment may break me, or at least overtake the rational state.
I have failed umat, medicine next year is not for me, perhaps tis for the best. I need to get my shit together, and medicine may not be the time to do so. I shall try again next year, if I can get there.
Though often I do not see a future.
I would dearly kill to dive, a good dive, something that exhilirates me, makes me feel alive. To be on the edge of death, and yet cheat him of his prize.
A dance, oh how I wish I could find a dance partner, I would dance every night possible. Tis the only time at times that I know I am alive. That this is it, here, now, and you know what, Im fuckin dam well happy to be alive.
The close-human contact, the uniformity of the 2 bodies moving as one in dance, it mesmerises and treats my mind to unseen delights. It makes me feel alive.
If I found a dance partner, to share that with, to dance each friday and saturday night, perhaps life would be better, and perhaps not.
Who knows?
I am still trying to support others in their plights, and I dont think they realise that I too am hurting, sometimes more because they too are in so much pain, and I wish I could remove it from them, though I dont know them, I know that they r suffering, and often with better reasons than myself.
For I have lived a relatively sheltered life, in comparision to many others.
I cry with them, and though we may be thousands of kilometres apart, we r united in our grief, our feelings, our inadequecies, our similar views of the world, our pain, and often our self harming and/or suicidal considerations.
Perhaps it causes me more damage, but I hope where I can, even if it is too my detriment. I dont know why, perhaps Im a fool, my mate stuart says so. He says u have 2 put a price on everyone, and that  everyone else comes second to urself. In fact, he puts no greater price on his family in comparison to me, or his girlfriend.
But to me, others r often more important, especially in their pain. I would sooner hurt greatly than tell someone how much pain they have caused me, in case they hurt from the truth.
Some say that makes me a good person, but I cannot see how. I see myself as horrible, no matter what I do to protect people, I still see them hurting, often from me.
Therefore, despite my efforts, people still hurt.
Lost, tired, scared, scarred badly, and would like to be able to function normally like everyone else, going on about their lives, that they consider so important and crucial, when in the end, it doesnt even matter.
the song golden gate jumpers by cold war kids pretty much sums it all up at times.
Scared to jump, but terified to stay.
Pain, pain, joy.
I see joy, I feel excitement, and I want it all.
Now if this depression will seriously nick off, I can have it all. Im continually told Im a smart kid i have my doubts, but ill give the benefit of the doubt. I still feel love in my heart, and Im looking for someone to give it all too. To hold at night, to smile and think, fuck, Im the luckiest man alive. For a man with a loving spouse, must be the luckiest of all creatures.
I am starting to believe that we perhaps spiritually were once asexual, and that we split, and we really do search for that person to unite with and make us whole again.
Whilst Im not religious, it somtimes seems something like that.
There are many things that cannot be explained by sciences atm, and love, is one of them. Children are special beacuse in reality, or in the ideal world taht sometimes is within my head, it is our offspring that sometimes do and really should represent our love for another person, even if it is love that has since passed.
My apparent relationship with a mate remains questionable, I feel horrible for not speaking my concerns, but I dont want to jump the gun, though I think perhaps whatever I am waiting for may not eventuate.
I dont wanna screw them around, but I dont wanna do damage, I am unsure what to do, I guess manning up is the key soon, and just saying what is really going on, no excuses, and seeing what happens, perhaps a friendship can b maintained. Time shall tell.
For anyone who ever reads it, sorry for my crap, Im trying to understand this all.
If u know me, sorry for it, dont worry about me, I still question whether I b worth ones concerns, keep them 2 urself though please.
The Big D.

How blissful would eternal sleep be?
I dont really know if things will get much better than they have these past few weeks.
I feel like I have lost something valuable, and cant get it back, like virginity except more precious.
It was my innocence and ignorance. Many people never fully lose them, I feel I have.
I wish I didnt, ignorance is true bliss, as is sleep.
With this bad news, my mask have just broken. I hope I can put it back together,
or the consequences are too horrible to consider.
I knew that this set back would occur, it didnt reduce the pain though.
If anything, it proves I am a failure.
At least they have no regrets or little.
I became too self absorbed to actually prepare for it.
Now I have seen what happens.
People think things r going well,
I like to think that Bruce Willis and I have something in common.
We can both put up an excellent act when needed, we are actors.
Now I feel isolated, I had people before, now I feel I have lost them all to my own stupidity.
I get that life isnt easy, but natural selection is trying to work, and i am trying to resist. In the wild, Id be the dead one who wasnt strong enough and well adapted enough to survive.
And yet I try to resist nature and biology theory. Is it winnable?
I hope so, cos the number of suicidal people I have talked down in the past week is taking its tole on me.
Id just like to sleep, and wake to find no pain.
Or never wake.
As MCR say in their song: The amount of pills I'm taking, counteracts the booze I'm drinking
and this vanity I'm breaking, lets me live my life like this

awesome song, cant wait till yr12 is finished, getting seriously smashed will b something ill enjoy

Someone just walked through the door.

Wait a minute.......it was my career :(

Ok, its been a while since my last post, a lot has happened, and now its going to shit again.

I finally gave the med gang the flick and they have closed the case. Perhaps I lead them to believe that

things were doing better than they ever could, though they sort of worked out that they may not be,

nevertheless they are off my case and I shall not need to visit them again unless someone speaks to them to

indicate that things arent going as well as they should be.

That would not be advisable.

Reality is, Ive been putting on a brave face for what really is starting to become a shit storm again.

I havent lost control, I can still pretend everythings ok, but Ive closed off again and have become very quiet

again. Reality is Im hurting a shit load, and have done many things that with hindsight I hate myself dearly for.

One of them is that I told my father everything. Something I cannot take back. Initially we got closer, but now

perhaps dad doesnt realise it, but its threatening everything we have. I think it maybe lost this time.

I dont have the time nor energy to take it.

My friendship and relationship with Bec seems to be in almost tatters, or so it seems to me. We havent

spoken in days, and I dont even know why, but dont have the energy to fight for it.

Im putting alll my energy into pretending and doing work, I have exceeding amounts of mental and physical

fatigues and I dont know why. And Im getting a fair amount of sleep, but quality seems very bad.

I dont wanna lose this! I need to finish this strong, but every where I look, there are massive hurdles that

threaten to trip me at every corner. Even if I jump the first few, maths tells me Ill fall somewhere.

And now I feel I have burnt my bridges with ms pearce, bec and many of my mates. I dont want to break

the illusion that Im doing as well as we all like to think. I dont wanna speak to much to renae either in case

i upset her.

Still being haunted by this years events. And now from an event on Monday.

A guy was lying on the train tracks when I was going to the city.

I cant stop thinking about it, I feel for them, I was there so recently. I still visit it sometimes.

The razor is still one of my best friends, apart from my satin, sleep, death, and my bed.

All inanimate objects, but I love them. More trustworthy than any living being, even me.

I no longer know what I want from life. I really dont, perhaps none of us do, and that I am one of the

unlucky ones who has had the foresight to see it as thus. Perhaps deep thought, and a degree of intelligence

is a curse, for I feel it is. If I was a simple man, I would not think of such things.

I crave sleep, endless sleep, yet how do I get it?

There is still a subconcious part of me that will move to cause accident when Im not thinking.

I found I unintentionally nearly stepped in front of a car on a main road, without thinking.

What is it that I desire?

What do I want from life?

Can I want anything anymore?

Do I have such a right to anything, even life?

I know not what these answers be.

But everyday, I see people, moving about their lives, trying to get things done.

They consider them important, for jobs, their future, etc.

I too act as such, but when I stop and examine things, there is really little point.

Perhaps do the things we enjoy, but are things that we enjoy all merely the minds ploy to ensure that humans

continue to survive? To provide a driving force that continues the survival of the species?

Does it matter?

Ah shit, well life sucks, get over it, get under it, or die.

I would chose the final, but I dont have the time, inclination, energy, and am not ready to cause that kind

of hurt just yet. So it looks like Im stuck with this.

On Death

Curious.

Society is built around the fear of death, that life is supreme.

Clearly me and society see things differently.

To me, death seems the ultimate reward, the answer to it all.

Its dark, and its nothing.

Therefore, it is nothing and everything at the same time.

The state of non existence, non suffering, non experience.

It is bliss.

How so many would ask?

Simple, bliss is defined as perfection, perfect happiness.

Since one is non existing, one cannot experience anything, therefore one must be in perfection.

Since for one to experience anything different, one would have to be living.

Though it could be argued that one must also be living to experience bliss, I tend to disagree.

Since I think it is virtually impossible to experience bliss in life, as there is always something that is causing

some form of issue, whether conscious or subconscious it matters not.

Basically, I can't wait to die, I think it will be the ultimate solution to the biggest problem of all,

which is debatedly life. Though to experience such problems, life must exist. So it really is a paradox

to screw with your head.

But at the same time, I don't think I'll actively search death out either.

There maybe something that makes life worth playing along with for a while.

But at the same time, Im not really gonna freak out majorly if I was faced with the inevitable ending of my

life, since it is a path we all walk whether we want to or not.

I have tasted romance, or perhaps only think I have, and have found that whilst I crave it like oxygen,

I am highly scared of it and am unsure what to do with it. Im scared of achieving it and retiring into

a monotony that may or may not exist. Hence further decreasing the real reason to play along with life's little

game.

Personally, death would be best experienced in comfort, such as being warm, and perhaps a little love would

be nice. Either that, or doing something noble, and actually being a nice person, more than just miserable

Dion. Helping to rescue a friend, or stranger from a life threatening incident and dying in the cause.

Dying for my country, in an act of duty and love for my country.

But alas, such things happen rarely.

Which is good.

But the world needs hero's, it is clear of that.

But death comes swiftly to some,

And yet refuses to embrace some for ages, long after the will to live has left them.

Which one of them I am, I remain uncertain.

I think there remains something for me to do here.

Of what that is, I know not.

Perhaps I am destined for great things as people tell me.

But when my work is done, then, perhaps will I reassess the situation.

And then, I may decide again.

Though what life throws my way, and whether I can stand in the face of such adversity may be another thing.

On occasions, I do indeed find it difficult to control the hand that wields a blade.

And my reluctance to take the hand that wields a smile is concerning, though often that hand conceals other

things. So trust is perhaps not at its premium with good reason.

Ah shit,

Death, if you want me.

Come get me, if you dont, then at least leave me alone and stop toying with me.

Piss off SU, SI come in.

SI is ok, SU, you work for the reaper.

Found out our dog that was lost was taken out by a car on the Southern Expressway last Friday.

At least she died quickly I guess. A car at 100km/h would be quick as I reckon, its freakin me out though.

Keep having thoughts of her final moments.

And also cos thats what my mate said she'd do if she was too do it, which was close on occassions. She lives nearby as well.

Kinda scary and cant help but imagine it being her instead.

Seems Im fooling most people, they thought today may have been a bit of tough day, but sort of figured I was doing ok.

Inside, I was and am right now dying.

Mate really was doing it tough today, but refused to say anything, so I was convinced I had done something wrong, and still wonder if I did. She said year 12 is getting to her, which I can appreciate, even though her workload against mine is minute. But I understand it is difficult no matter what. I think i may have contributed to that.

Really took my day down. Had razor in hand today, and used. in Maths. Coincidentally just as KP was walking past. Just missed eye contact, though I get the impression we may have still observed each other. I think she may have worked out something was up, even though we havent had contact in a few weeks really. Just a feeling Ive got, she's seen me at my worst a lot, and I kinda wonder if she read my eyes well. and perhaps body language, though at a glimpse its tough.

I really miss our chats, sounds pathetic, but some people are good to chat too and make u feel at ease, often a little too much so. Reality is, I need to develop or at least survive this. Cos I doubt many will be round next year, in the big wide world. Itll be me, on my own again, or virtually anyway. Yes, perhaps those who have supported me this year will be round, but not as much, and I should not rely on them. It doesnt do to rely on anyone much, or at least on only a few people. And I shouldnt really for my own health. I thought I had got teh better of this, I think there is no different, merely that Im better at hiding it from others and myself even. When I stop and think, its still there, and Im scared of staying still for too long. I dont wanna lose year 12 to this, if I havent already. I want medicine in uni, or health sciences. I wanna start truly working towards my career, my new self. Hopefully where I have better control of this. If I really close look at myself, a fraction of me is still convinced that this is gonna go pear shaped in the worst possible way, but Im trying to disregard that part. To pick and choose parts of me I wanna listen too. SI wont be leaving me for a fair while soon. Which means Im gonna b fucked in Summer. Shorts will cover most damage, but not all of it. Seems my legs have less nerves in them, or else I attack them with SI and SU when im more distressed. For there are scars of cuts long gone that arent fading, so looks like Ill be getting lots of strange and concerned looks from mates, dive buddies, and others in general. Ha, and thats only whats there now. No telling whatll happen in summer itself. Waist band will get more than its fair share Id say. Mind u, half of my waist and legs are only scar tissue.

Dam I am a weird person, but hey, thats me for you. Like me or dont. Just dont tell me if you dont, or I may get upset. As for upsetting me in general, do not-not say something to me cos ur worried it might set me off. Its not ur concern or ur problem. If i do cut, burn or otherwise, thats my problem. No, it aint stupidity, psycho, or anything else. Its coping. Cutting, Burning, Drinking, Getting High, Exercising, Sleeping, etc. Its all coping mechanisms. 

Ahh, anyway. Today wasnt fun, caffeine tablets arent working that well and had to take a few today to get any form of alertness increase. Not sure if I should continue my pursuit in alertness from caffeine, or search for alternate methods. Im getting quite a bit of sleep, so must be quality that Im lacking. Perhaps exercise if I can locate the energy, or perhaps its a medical problem and I should talk to a doc. Though the chance a doc will give me something to help is unlikely, mind u, i dont know whats on my medical record-depends if they suspect ive been suicidal-I wonder if that nasty trip to teh Womens and Childrens is down there? That would screw any idea of sleep aid.

Meh, dont want sleep aid, only more alertness so I can work harder, and perhaps help improve moods a bit. Hate pretending, takes up lots of energy needed for study and fighting the Big D.

Mmm sleep, so luxurious, feel like I need about 48 hours of the stuff. So tired, but go to bed, and cant sleep for fuckin hours. Yet not alert enough or energy enough to study well.

Ahh! continuous battle. 

Thankfully SU has only knocked and come in, not sat down and made herself at home like she did for a while there, trying to take me with her. And she only does every now and then, which is kinda good.

Still worried about another mate of mine, weve drifted apart a bit, even though we r similar in ways in our fights with the Big D and A.

Means a lot to me, and I hope she realises so. But I know the past few weeks for her have been hell, and I think-hope that a few of her mates have helped her out and stuck by her. But I know my place, and she knows my number and to call it at anytime, and if needed, I will go to her, even if I have to walk from Edithburgh, Ill be there. Just send her a FB msg from time to time, to know that I care and worry about her, though I know she equally worried about me.

Meh, shit happens, so dam lonely right now, even though im not alone. Would kill to have a good chat with someone, and perhaps some nice hugs as well. Ah well, Dion, its time to be a man, stand on your own two feet, and dont rely on anyone else. Rely on yourself. If you can. Born into the world on your own, exit it the same way. Prepare to walk and experience all the shit that life brings on your own. If you get company, sweet. But be careful, most people have a motivation for it, and those that dont, are the ones you can never let leave. These are the gems, that make life worth living for the most part.

Apologies

Not sure if anyone reads this, or if the person I'm referring to does, but I'll write it anyway.

To a confidant, and someone who has become I guess somewhat of a friend,

I am sorry for my harsh words the other day.

You mean a great deal to me, and unfortunately you have seen more than you should have to this year,

at least from me.

I don't intend to shut off contact permanently, personally, you are an excellent person to chat too.

And I hope to have many chats in the future, preferably of much more light hearted things.

Other people have received similar treatment, and some who I have not should have, but for them, it is too

late. Perhaps they would not heed my requests anyway and I would have to end such a friendship, which

would pain me dearly.

Anyway, I hope you can realise I have not done this to hurt you, perhaps protect you a little, and allow me to

try to work out where I am at the moment.

Sorry, I hope to be in touch very soon. Part of me desires to chat, another not too. Unsure as to which

I should heed, and of the repercussions of either.

Sorry Karen

Shit

Funny how in the moment, we can do really foolish things that we come to regret later.

Knowing that it will come to pain, suffering and agony for oneself and worse still, others.

Knowing that we put our desires above that of anothers, when we should not.

Whilst they may think it is as they desire, one wonders whether they are aware of such a subscription.

Foolish to allow the desire for something more to overtake one's promises to oneself and others, and that of

reason.

Now one is in a situation where no matter what arises, pain will ensue.

Is it better to pretend, and hope that something happens?

And allow one's own suffering take place to protect others.

Most likely, as long as such a mask can be held with conviction.

Perhaps things will occur of their own accord.

Probably best to hurt and protect others from such hurt, although that hurt is likely to hurt anyway.

Fuck I'm in a pickle.

It is the beginning of the end for what I valued, for that is likely to be the result of my foolhardiness.

I am a fool, and I scold myself greatly for this.

It is a shame, what we could achieve with hindsight, or perhaps a little more reason in a sudden urge of

foolishness.

Again, my list of allies runs even thinner.

Fool of a Took!

I have changed.

I feel it in my body,

I see it in my eyes,

I smell it in my sweat.

Much that I once was,

Is lost.

And much that was none,

Is all.

I shall never be the same again.

I think I shall never feel what it once was.

I know not if I can tolerate that.

Views are gone, innocence lost.

Rosy coloured glasses, destroyed.

No No No!

After reading a post on the FB group Reach Out, I am convinced that the admin of the group who is a counselor does not understand the full picture of self injury. That is not to say that I do, but she clearly misses some major points and yet is trying to inform and encourage the cessation of such behavior. It is almost written as if we do not realise what we're doing or that we're very stupid.
This is distressing, and she completely condones the it.
Im not saying its acceptable, but sometimes its necessary.
If someone doesn't have the strategies to deal with a situation or that situation is larger than they can deal with,
then yes I think if it temporarily reduces the pain or provides relief, than if it is carefully done it is not unacceptable.
The problem with this is that often it is easy to get carried away. I have.
Society is largely a black and white society. Society has borderline personality disorder I think.
No half measures are allowed.
Suicide is completely condoned by society as a whole as is many things including self injury.
Homosexuality and other varying forms of sexuality have only recently become truly acceptable.
Yet in certain cases, suicide and self harm can be more acceptable. This is not to say it is acceptable, but it is not unacceptable as well.
Society is built around the grounding foundation that life is always right.
Hypocritically, they'll execute criminals but preserve life even in the most hopeless cases where people can be literally begging for the coup de grace.
For this reason alone, society is sick. My mate says its fucked, it is in a way.
Reality is, it should be based upon an individuals decision.
For what is largely becoming a non-religious nation gradually, it continues to put emphasis on life as opposed to choice.
If we are in control of our lives, surely we should have the capacity to end it for a reason. Obviously certain parameters probably should be used as a guide, but not as a definite.
Eg: someone who wishes to suicide and is under 18 should be prevented in all cases, except perhaps if with a terminal illness.
Even then, discretion should be used.
Im not saying I want people to suicide, I really do cringe and dont like it at all. But I also respect the individuals decision to choice. I will still love them no matter what.
Obviously this can be gone into extreme depth, and perhaps I should produce an essay regarding this topic with research done, though I suspect it will take a lot of time and be at least 2500 words.
Anyway, back to my main point. There is a lot to be said and understood about self harm. Many psychologists and other 'professionals' know little or only know what is largely stereotypical bullshit written by a bunch of medical fuckwits who dont know a lot about it except from their scarce observations, or what they have gleaned. I realise some have done some really good stuff on this topic, but sadly since much is liable to interpretation, extrapolation and individual stupidity, can be convoluted. Very few people have written extensively on this after speaking and closely interacting with those of us who SI. Some of this can be attributed to the quiet nature of this dark horse, which is not helped by those who show little understanding or make stupid assumptions or extrapolations based upon a few books or observations. Too often those who treat or are in contact with those who do such things are already decided upon and dont treat each person or even each case of self harm from the same person as an entirely new field. Reality is, it is vastly different from person to person and thus whilst knowledge bases and understanding is excellent, professionals really need to approach each case completely free of anything that may cause them to make fast conclusions, assumptions etc. You get the idea.
Self harm, Im its bitch and its my bitch.
For the time being, if it gets me over the line, Im not overly bothered.
An example perhaps of a more acceptable reason. High stress time, if it relieves stress and allows the mark to be reached, it cannot be that bad. Better than burning out on the strait or having a major breakdown after.

If we spend many time periods pondering questions and deeply searching for answers to these questions.
If we find an answer we do not like, that makes us uncomfortable, deeply depressed, even suicidal, or just in general changes your view on things, must we accept it?
Is it good that we have found answer to our question, even if we can see that it is more than likely correct, even if it causes problems?
One could consider it a blessing that we have found a truth in a false world.
But at the same time, the damage that these answers may do, are they worth it?
And how do we let go of these answers so we can function correctly?
Or do we change the course of our life due to this?
It is such a difficult set of questions to answer, if they can be answered at all.
Many would give answers quickly, but they see not the complexity of the question nor its implication.
I do wonder.
I lose many hours sleep to this and others, and do also spend many times desiring a better answer.
But then, could one's judgement and this conclusions be bias from another source, external or internal.
For example, by a close friend who maybe influencing us, or an illness that exacerbates or changes our perception.
How is it that, with our answer, we are still expected to function? And that we hold onto seemingly mundane and silly tasks every day.
But then, what is the alternative?
We could, try to follow the lead of Siddartha Gautama and lead a life of deep though, education and non-existence, absent of suffering and acceptance of truths.
Alternatively, we could seek out non-existence in a more physical and active nature.
What shall we do?
It is puzzling.
For months, I have known the answer, for months I have suffered under this knowledge.
And now I must come to some conclusion.
Neither is right, neither is wrong.
Those who say one is over the other, better be able to substantiate their case, as I do desire to hear it.
For it is selfish on many levels, as it is otherwise.
I just want an answer, or a way to change my perception on it.
I just wanna function correctly and happily with this knowledge, or not function at all happily.
If there is not happily, then ultimately it is not my path.

Eh, that awkward moment when your Dad asks you what those marks are on your arms are and when he asks you if you hurt yourself. Not a nice question that isn't easily side swiped.

Music News!

OK, so its official, Cold Chisel are doing another concert in Adelaide on the 6th of December......and I have tickets!
It is gonna be epic, and I suspect maybe the final thing we hear of Chisel.
Light the Nitro....hell I certainly will be. If only I was a few days older and I could purchase some alcohol as well.
Meh, I can still party just as hard as any nobhead on ethanol.
Hehe, can't wait.
Only one thing thats better...
TAYLOR SWIFT is coming to Adelaide on the 4th March 2012 on her Speak Now Tour.
Well, I missed her last tour, and I will not be missing this one.
I don't care if I gotta fly to Melbourne, I am not missing her.
I suspect that tickets will be around the $150 mark.
Probably the easiest thing to part with in the world.
Hell, I'd purchase them if they were $200.
Oh I cant get enough of Taylor.
Yes, she has talent.
I just can't wait for her next album, and this concert.
Tickets go on sale soon, guess who will be staying up late to ensure I get them.
Well, something to look forward to I guess.

Oh, and Evanescence are releasing their new album next month I think....WIN!

Haha, on other notes, I suspect I have the flu, running temperatures all weekend and haven't revised for upcoming tests. Please shoot me now.
Think I may have decided to return to school next year. It seems they love me so much, they just don't want to let me go. lol
Better than a shit time in uni and screwing it up though.
Med is all I want, and all I need.
I considered nursing, but med, is the prize.
My reward.
I noticed that whenever I research into medical archives or learn stuff on it-like in biology at the moment, I have what must be equivalent to an academic orgasm. It is such cool and fascinating stuff.
I am weird.

Ok, its official.
Greg's suggestion works.
Its good, a little good I think.

I truly am trying as hard as I can to understand this maths.
Why can I not do it?
The demotivation from it is causing me to slip again.
I I dont want this, I dont need it, I have a lot of business to attend to.
Now Im realising my loneliness again.
Meh, no use whinging on here about it.
My fault, my stupidity, now Ill foot the bill for it.

Finally!

Finally a day that I can say, hey I didn't hit it hard. I didn't sit and think, dam I wanna die, dam I think Im gonna do something about this pain, or even, goodbye mates, I dont know if youll see me again.
That didnt occur today.
What did occur was more desirable. It wouldnt knock most people's socks off by a long shot, but it was a day I can say hey, Im glad I was living, and if I died now, Id die a happy man.
I had one hiccup regarding one thing, but it made me more determined to make my point.
Well, basically I was meant to meet with tom today. The poor guy's sick, and I hope he's feeling better soon. Well, that made the day a touch easier to go with, considering I was dry retching prior to finding out due to anxiety and also probably to the large number of jalapeno peppers from the day before (YUM!).
Well, physics was pretty good, managed to hand my prac report up, it wasnt brilliant, but I got it up. Then did an interesting prac for physics (highly unusual, all physics pracs usually suck). Went nuts on food and ate lots, cost me too much cash, but yummy...sadly the teenagers stomach is always empty.....
Maths, quite bareable, embarrassed myself with my usual sexual inuendos, jokes, and word twisting. Stupid antics, but keep me laughing, gotta be a good thing, though Ive let a little too much of me out of the proverbial bag. Seems I am not abnormal, but very normal and typical of a guy. haha (use your imagination and multiply that thought by a power of ten).
Had a reasonable talk with forsyth, aka forskin, about statistics, started to understand a bit, he put the pressure on for the DI, but decided Id meet with him in my 2nd free (last lesson) to chat about it, since I was sleeping through the whole matrices topic which the DI's on.
In first free, got stuck into physics, hit a snag, I reckon its palnocks dodgy results and will investigate further with him on Friday. Went onto maths DI, lovely Danielle helped me with it, and what do you know, I understand how its done....I think. Danielle, for year 12 Maths teacher! lol.
Worked out all maths calculations. Now just gotta write the dam thing, a very big task.
Found Forsyth and chatted with him.
Here he rubbed me up the wrong way, probably with a bit of hard reality, but didnt want it nonetheless, still trying to remain in denial.
Basically said Id fucked the year, in maths at least. I realise that, but its hard to take, dont know how much Ill beat the shit of myself, but I suspect when I finally acknowledge it, I will be very sore at the least, and potentially sporting many bruises, cuts, burns and maybe some other damage.
Clearly not a good thing when it hits, dont think ill need any weapons either, id say I could do it with myself.
But hey, never know, I may be able to avert that situation, or at least gradually introduce it and thus trying to moderate damage, the sudden realisation may trigger worse effects. He seems to think that I shouldnt be going for medicine, that I wont get there. One response to that. Ill show you!
Its what I want, what I need, and what Ill get, even if I have to resit goddam year 12 for 4 years in a row. Ill get there!
Am starting to realise Ive fucked the year and am freaking out about what Im gonna do, dont wanna repeat, but dont wanna find myself in uni where its harder to have the support that I do at the moment, that is if I bloody well accept it all-Im a fool for pushing it away but its what happens when ur shitting urself.
Fuck Im stupid, guess Ill have to face up to all my fuckups soon, in the next few days, dont want to, at the moment Im doing ok. What goes up though must crash land though, or it is with me anyway.

On the upside, did research into courses next year, and ended up heading to the betrayer. Went over, completely pointless, dont think she really gives a crap. Just bullshit again, starting to wonder if I can be bothered making an effort when she isnt. Dont know why Im trying to patch things up, I didnt betray someone that I knew was doing it tough. Mind you, I still feel guilt.
Meh, dancing was bloody brilliant. Why can I not dance the night away, the pain away, everything away?
It is so beautiful, so enjoyable, and liberating. Its the only time when I am strongest. This forsaken illness fights back, but as long as the musics going, and Im dancing, I can keep it at bay for a while. It eventually gets me, but not easily, and Im not mentally screwing myself fighting it. So i still have fight to hold it off a little longer.
And Im generally riding on cloud 9 as well.
Today we covered Rock n Roll, Rumba and Cha Cha.
I already know the full bronze routine for Rumba, and I learnt the final steps for the bronze cha cha as well.
The Rock n Roll, we just sped through and kept the rest entertained as we rocked to the fast tempo, taking full advantage of the very vacant dance floor. Got taught another step for the Rock n Roll as well. I think its called the hand drop and turn or something. Looks very specky, but easier than it looks. Involves a lot of trust though or my partner may end up in the crowd twice. Havent lost one yet though and not planning on, though iv been clobbered in the moosh once hehe.
Cha Cha turns out Ive finally got the top mastered, and we finished with a fan, and then fan alamana, and then repeated. good fun, very active dance. rumba definitely the most sensual, definitely something i look forward to dancing with someone special. rock n roll, feel goog dance and bloody fun. cha cha, very fast, nice and latiny and kinda reminds me of the passionate, steamy scenes in the romance genre of movies except vertically inclined.
guess thats why they say that dance is the vertically inclined equivalent of a horizontal desire. lol

Lets Dance.
Now onto HW, maths di, maths integration revision-never learned so its hardly revision.
Can see myself going to bed soon though and setting the ticker to 4 am or something horrible like that.
Too late to take good ol no doze.

Hmm, taking a few heavy hits now, but Im still standing.
For a while there, it was gonna be the worst when I got home,
but managed to get above Su's threshold.
Hope to stay well and truly above it tonight and get more work done.
Appointment with Tom tomorrow.
I can already feel the huge amount of tension inside of me,
seems Im concerned that I may spill my guts completely which would be bad.
Didn't realise how easily manipulated I am till today,
due to this, it seems I am very vulnerable.
Hope to get some strong defenses up for tomorrow.
Can already feel the tension and anxiety building.
Strongly suspect Ill be having a few panic attacks before the night is out,
and some tomorrow morning. Hope I can keep a grip enough to be useful.
Do that, and I may be prepared to actually make this meeting a productive one.
So dam tired, I think it'll be the caffeine tablets to the rescue, hopefully they work,
and hopefully I dont get carried away as I have in the past....come to think of it,
I still remember the 14 I took in one hit, and the side effects of that are still.....
disturbing.
Have 48 left, well below LD50, so no chance of that doing me in, and there are no major interactions either,
good thing given how variable moods are at the moment. Mind you, Id have to be silly to try a chemical train trip on a weekday, no, only one day that is for.
But, no, that is not for me, living is for me.
Thoughts are thought, and dont require the action of making them real.
Figments of imagination, I must leave them be.
I will not die, in my time of dying.

Survived, + Pledge

Survived another day!
Given that today was one of the hardest Ive had in a long time, equal if not exceeded by the trip to the city.
Very sincerely considered catching the bus, but managed to avoid it. Really didn't think I had a choice for a while though.
Almost completely withdrew today from Blondie, and others, which was hard. I didnt wanna bring them down, and just didnt see the point in talking about this when all it does is rouse concern.
Running out of methods and ideas, perhaps Ill go with Renae's idea.
Just suffer in pain and stop trying to look for perfects fixs.
At least itll make everyone else happier.
Seems whilst I often feel that catching the bus is the best for me, and is a thing I would do for me,
I thought of Blondie, and her young year 8 friend today, and realised that the little one wouldn't understand.
Something about her innocence struck a chord with me, and Ive held it to my breast for the past few hours.
I still want the pain to stop, but that is only natural.
If I can survive to Wednesday, which is near certain, then I think I have a plan to approach this meeting with Tom.
Something where we can both receive a lot of use from.
It needs to be mutually agreed, but Ive gotta do something.
Escitalopram didnt work, so I need to find an alternative anti-d.
If I can stabilise my mood, remove the bus from the table, and at least have a few good hours each day, then I can do this.
And if the CBT screws with me too much, then an agreement along the lines of not doing it until the 11th of November will have to be arranged, so Im not knocked off my perch each time.
That way I can get my head down and hard for the final few weeks of year 12, and at least do well in a few subjects, then perhaps, I shall return to REC next year, or not depending upon how well I do.
All I know, is this cannot go on, and catching the bus really isnt what I want, perhaps if Id lived longer, then yes, but not now.
I still havent loved, laid, dived, danced and lots of other things yet.
And it isnt the right order of things, I dont want my parent have to bury their child, when Im meant to bury them.
I'll Hold On Ms Pearce, Ill see you tomorrow.
No matter how hard I have to push, how many tears, or blood I have to shed, Ill be here tomorrow, and the next day as well.
I may cry, I may bleed, I may even burn, or possibly even OD, but I won't be dying by my hand this week.
As for the ones after that, well, each day as it comes. Ill post another promise next week.

For Bec, Emma, Ms Pearce, Alicia, Danielle, Hayley, Cassi, Rose, Lauren, Jill, Liam, Ms Duke, other teachers.
I love you all, and I hold on for you.
One day I will hold on for me, but right now, you'll all have to suffice.
I can see your love, and I know it exists, but right now I cant feel it. But one day I will, and it will be a blissful day when I do, and the happiest day I have in a long time.

Starting to wonder what Ill do to get out of this mess Im in.
My friend pointed out to me today that I am where she once was.
In a very bad and dangerous position.
If Im not careful, Ill be dead, and truth be told, I still wanna live,
Well part of me does anyway, and its to this part that Im singing to.
But as she said, once you have the tools to deal with it, you can fight it back better.
I need to find those tools.
She admitted to me that she thinks I need to be more active in my attack,
But even she is unsure how I do this.
If I come clean to them about everything,
Then they may have an obligation to report it.
Of course this may create more problems than its worth.
If I thought that would solve my problems, I would do this,
That is how desperate I am now.
But I think, as others agree, that it maybe the last straw.
My arms should indeed have been stitched up after the last shot.
Explains why they are killing me.
But I dont wanna be pushed.
I just need a lot of real good support, and I would appreciate it more
from the two people who are really messing with my head at the moment.
They have the knowledge, those tools, to help me.
But they need to do it in a supporting role, not an active role.
I respond better to this.
That way I can still remain in control, and keep some of my dignity.
I just dont know how we can have a mutual agreement on this.
But that, is something that I must do at the next meeting.
It is essential to my survival and my wellbeing.
I have fallen for too long.
Everyday I do nothing is a day of risk.
Im not good at maths, but I know that sooner or later, too many things will happen,
and it maybe enough for all 5 numbers to line up again.
And its been getting closer and closer.
Time to try to climb this hill.
As my friend said, she beat the depression, but lost her life.
She had an excellent future, but messed around for too long.
She wouldve been a doctor, if she had sorted it out sooner.
Instead, she was broke by it.
If I believe her on what she thinks (I have my reservations),
she thinks that I have the potential to do extraordinary things in my life, to change the medical field,
and the diving arena.
Frankly it sounds like something you'd feed to someone who is in a pickle-such as myself to give them hope.
Whilst I dont exactly believe it, I do know that if I put my mind to something, I could do some pretty good things.
Funny considering all I really desire in life is as that guy in the notebook says, to "live a life where you love someone with all your heart and they have loved you with all their heart".
To me, that would brilliant, to do more is just a benefit.
Well, either way, I need to try to get a grip on this.
Yes I am still hurting immensley from what my aunt has done,
and yes I am hurting from numerous other things,
kindly made worse by the depression.
But I need to ignore it, shut off emotionally, or compartmentalise, or something like that.
There is much work to be done.
I need to rely on those few I can trust, and assess who else can and cannot be trusted.
Do some spring cleaning and remove what doesnt need to be there and what is causing more pain than its worth.
And bring in the new and improved Dion.
The one that has seen what life truly is, the one that doesnt like what he sees, and decides he must change it.
The guy who loves everyone with all his heart, hurts when those he cares for hurt, and tries to help and be there for everyone.
This illnesss has taught me much, most of all not to judge people on face values.
I need to do this, and do it soon.
Year 12 beckons, my life beckons, and so do those who care.
Oh I truly wish it was easy as it is to type, but the reality is, this will be a shit storm for a long time.
Well, no where to go but up or down.
Down sucks, up is better,
Get on living, or get on dying.

Ok, So Im feeling sad, down and am rather sick.
So I decide to buy 560 grams of chocolate, and 2 bags of fan tales.
now, am I crazy, or really smart?
Meh, either way Im broke now.
Now, to get some company, and either watch something good like a diving clip,
do some homework, or read through the course counselling stuff, which is quite interesting

I cannot believe how today is going.
Completely curled up in pain.
Its killing me, everythings making me hurt,
and now I have a bigger problem.
Looks like there is repercussions for past deeds.
Feel like an idiot
Everythings just so fucked up.
When will this stop?
Seems like there really is fuck all left to do.
Is there anything worth suffering like this?
How much longer do I have to suffer at the hands of this and them?
Just wanna catch the bus.
No more of this bullshit, just the bus.

Bad News for a Mate

Bad news for my mate,
This is getting worse and worse for her, and I am scared.
I dont know if she can hold on.
She feels she was little left to hold onto, and I dont know how to help her.
Im trying to give her hope, but she has lost it, and I cant really blame her given the situation.
I do wonder if she will be around for much longer.
Whilst seeming hypocritical, I dont want her to catch the bus, and leave me here at the bus stop,
I still dont know if Im going to catch the bus or go just home.
Shiny happy people would consider it ridiculous, but I dont.
I feel understand.
And if the situation was reversed, I may have caught the bus myself.
Society has its values the wrong way round, and it really needs to arrange it priorities better.
Well, if this continues down the path it is, it is clear to me that I shall no longer be in contact with my friend.
She will have gone where few willingly go, but where I too have tried to go, and where perhaps I too will go soon. I know not now.
Either way, I hope whatever she does brings her peace. If here is peace, that is splendid, and if it is in the promising blackness, then that too is understandable and good.
As long as she is happy, I know that I too can be happy for her.
Given the opportunity, yes perhaps I would intervene, or perhaps not.
It is not like a teenager doing this, it is someone who is in a position where physically, they will never do as they once did.
No, I would just stay with her. I just dont want her to leave alone, feeling lonely.
If it comes to it, that is what I would do.
As for laws, lock me up, but look at the mess Id be in, and could you do it to someone in such pain? perhaps, i know not., but perhaps I will soon.
She has felt alone for far too long, the medical system has missed countless things, and have taken there time in discovering things. 2 years even!
No, if I am asked, you will not go alone, provided it is a choice that you make, and it does not require me to do anything but be with you.
For people should be allowed to go with a face of love.
I will be that face for her if called upon.
For surely that should be a right. To die by someone who cares, even if they dont know you.
To radiate love to the suffering, and for them to know, that they are loved.
Well, those are my views, I pray that they are not put to the test, but I fear they may. But at the same time, I would prefer they be tested than for someone to have an agonising existence for all the wrong reasons. Existing for others has its limitations and this approaches such one.
Regardless of this, I care for you deeply friend.
I love you dear, whether I can visit you or not.

Dive True, Dive Deep, and Dive Long.
You are, and always will be, my fellow diver in arms,
Plunging fearlessly into the deep, to visit old friends, and new ones.

Sharon Dredge

Seems little was achieved today with my meeting I decided upon.
So unless she instigates further contact that I agree with, it looks like this is sadly it.
I truly wish that things didnt turn out the way they have, yet I feel that it is my fault,
even though it is not me who did such things, who caused such pain to me.
Perhaps I went to far, and provided too much trust, too much power,
and she got too comfortable with the power.
It leaves me wondering if she ever really did truly care for me, as I did and still do for her.
Alas it is a sad time. I feel that whilst she did what she did, I am to blame, and I dont really
understand why it is my fault, but I feel it is.
She may never know what she has done to me, caused to occur, and what repercussions will occur from this.
But then again, for her conscience, perhaps it is better.
At least it is me who hurts, no someone else, perhaps I deserve this pain.
For such a thing to have occurred, its repercussions still I feel.
My trust is completely shattered, how am I expected to trust, when it continues to be broken,
it is a double edged sword. For if I trust, I risk it being broken and for its consequences.
If I do not, people may be concerned, and people may not longer trust me. Not trusting pains me greatly.
All I truly want is to know is that I can rely and trust someone completely.
Now I even suspect those who have been here since the beginning.
My friends who have never wronged me, are now being questioned, almost interrogated, to see if they give the slightest hint that they be untrustworthy. They dont deserve that, but that is what happens when someone who you trust with the truths about yourself, information that can destroy you completely, even cause your being to no longer exist, is found to not only have betrayed you, but to have looked you in the eye, and lied straight to your face on multiple occassions.
Yes, Sharon Dredge, a family member, an aunty, you have caused me great pain over your foolishness. And if your reading this, I hope you realise some of what damage has been done. Your facebook statuses indicate that you care not for what you've done, even rubbing salt into my wounds, which I might add was a foolish thing for anyone to do. In fact, if they are to be believed, your conscience is clean. Well Mrs Dredge, is it really?
There was any number of alternatives to have dealt with such a matter, for starters not lying. I have always said that such relationships must be a foundation of trust, well this one was a foundation of lies. Does this mean that everything you said meant nothing? Did you ever care and love me?
Do you care for me now? Or is it merely, as your facebook statuses suggest, that you have decided I am a hopeless case, and that you have done all you could and that now your conscience can be clean if anything should ever happen to me?
Everything you said and have done, is now questioned.
You were within my inner circle of trust. Perhaps only one or two others were closer, and only because my gut feeling was that something was not right.
I hate gut feelings, never more have I wished I was wrong, that my suspicions were false.
But they were proven true, and there is nothing for it now.
I still care deeply for you, perhaps thats what hurts me most. That I do not hate you, but am merely pained in a way I did not think was possible, this is a new level of agony, one of the deepest areas of the brain.
Can you truly not see my point of view?
Is it truly just one sided?
If you see it as such, than a fool you are indeed,
in your years, age has not brought you wisdom, it has clouded your judgement. If my short time on Earth taught me, is to not judge anyone until you know everything about them, and that there are more than 1 side to every story, countless ways to perceive a situation, reality itself.
I always stop and examine every point of view, and reason with it. I try to imagine why they did what they did, and how I may have performed in that situation to improve it. Its called cross examination. Its excellent, but can be torturous at times. This is how I forgave you after the last act of betrayal. Because if the rolls were reversed, I wouldve acted in a similar way. I wouldve been more careful at my approach, you did it aggressively which couldve ended in sadness, but it didnt.
So are you a fool Sharon Dredge?
Have you not tried to understand this, what your actions may have caused?
Or do you truly not give a fuck?
Cos at the moment, it seems that you couldnt care less.
That youd be happy to leave me to the cold, when I need people now most.
Are you, in the worst of the storm, the worst moments of life, the hardest times of my short life,
about to depart and leave me to deal with it if I can.
Let others deal with me?
For at the moment, I feel you, Tom and shrinkman are working against me, all so closed minded.
I feel I cant discuss things with you all, when after all your all meant to be only here in a 'supportive role'.
Instead, it is all threats, if you dont do what we say.
Well if thats the sake, you can suck on a cold one.
Im sick of looking over my shoulder, of being scared everyday, cos I might just feel a little better, only for someone to tell me that now I have to do something or else.
Do you know what shit that is?
Whenever I start getting on track, someone knocks me down, and yet Im expected to establish a healthy relationship and tell all?
That is fuckin impossible with this sort of bloody environment. Tom and Ken have little fuckin idea about this all, and whenever I try to say something, Im fuckin threatened or its used against me.
You wanna support, support, but dont control!
I was orginially told that I was in control, that is the biggest load of fuckin bullshit in the world.
The only one who has strived to give me control, who has stuck by me when all of you have been fuckin with my head is Ms. Pearce. A lifesaver by any other name. She's not only put up with my shit, but reduced my stress load, and been there when everyone else couldnt give a rats toss bag. You and the two twits dont get to see what everyone else does. Your the lucky ones.
Ms Pearce, my friends Blondie, Em, Alicia, Danielle, Lauren, etc, they arent so lucky. Theyve seen me when Im bad, theyve seen my head on the desk trying to hide from myself, trying to block out the pain.
Seen me with razors in my hand, blood on my skin, and tears in my eyes. Seen me dissolve into tears for hours on end, and seen my ups and downs. And never have they once turned away from me. They have tried to stem it all.
They have seen the days after meetings with twits who threaten, the pain and the replay of events.
The lack of sleep, the non eating for days, the lost look.
You rarely see it. Your lucky.
Then what about me, who has to put up with it 24/7?
You hear of it, you dont experience it.
The only one person who perhaps deserves the pain is me. But why I dont know.
So stop making fuckin decisions about things you dont know the full thing about.
You wanna get an idea about life in one of my angels shoes with me?
Then you can judge, then you can decide.
Yet ironically, Ms Pearce, knows more than most bar one, blondie.
Yet they have both kept quiet, have stood by me, given a shoulder to cry and a helping hand when i could not stand.
Sharon Dredge, you have hurt me so much, I smiled at you today, I try to keep you comfortable.
If I was ballsy, Id tell it like it is, tell you how youve hurt me, in a calm manner. But I dont want to hurt you, for I too will pay if you hurt for it.
You couldve acted in many ways, and did not have to lie.
You have created many more problems now, and my trust lay in tatters.
If you really do care for me, then you will tell me that.
And we will talk, and try to understand each other, but I dont know whether things will ever be the same.
I gave you a piece of me that I wish I didnt now, and you betrayed it in the worst ways possible, for no real clear reason, except for the fact that you thought you were doing good. For this you are an incredible fool.
I am not normally a spiteful person, but if you do read this, I fuckin hope it hurts you a little. Cos the tears, the lack of sleep, food, sickness, and study. That is how I paid, in emotional agony, physical pain, and other pains.
If it is possible to comprehend such pain I know not.
All I know, is that I have had people I care for die on me, and that didnt hurt as much. This is a different kettle of fish altogether. For when someone dies, it is over, the pain can get no greater, it is the cataclysmic pain and will fade with time
This pain, it is still growing, and it changes in intensity rapidly.
I dont know if this may have fucked my trust up forever, but I do know it has damaged it severely. If it were an injury, it would be classed as critical, approaching life-threatening.
Trust, is what is most needed for someone in my position. After all, if all lights go out on a dark lonely night, it is trust, that will cause me to call someone for assistance. To say, you know what, Im having a fuck of a day, and I dont know if I wanna face another. Trust that enables you to say, I trust this person enough to do what needs to be done.
Of all people, it was you, who was most likely to be called. Sharon Dredge, I would call you if I was in trouble. But now, what now? You just severed that and I dont know if it can be fixed. You made a foolish move more than once, the hospital trip itself was foolish, and I can tell you why. And this move, was plain fuckin idiotic. So who the fuck do I call when Im trouble?
Im sorry, Im not like everyone else who calls a crisis line, its not my thing. I require a connection with someone, to make that call. To know that person gives a shit about me. I felt that with you, you had and still do, have a way of making me feel cared for, something my mother was incapable of doing.
So what the fuck happens now? Huh, do I trust you, only to be informed upon again?
What the fuck happens it hurts too much, when all lights go out except one. That the darkness beckons so warmly and nicely, that offers an answer that fixes all my problems. That promises no more pain, no more sadness, no more tears, blood, betrayal, and promises this. That provides the ultimate answer?
The real answer lies with me, cos now, I am almost alone in this world.
I maybe fucked!
But that is up to me, but when my judgement is clouded, at least I know that you didnt give a fuck! That you obviously was more concerned about your own conscience, and covering your ass.
Perhaps you forgot about the times youve spoke with me on FB, wondering how bad I truly was.
Perhaps you forgot about the day you were so goddam worried about me, you broke my trust cos you cared and I nearly ended up on a 72 hour in the womens and childrens hospital?
No, well I havent, its fuckin replayed everyday.
So do you care Sharon?
Do you give a shit?
Do you still wish to know me?
Or have you let when the going gets tough?
If so, theres a fuckin door, take it and never look back, delete me from your FB contacts and pretend I dont exist,
Otherwise speak to me apologise, as I will of course, and lets clean this up. But dont expect it to come quick, and dont expect it to be an easy ride.
In the space of 1 hour, the greatest things I had were damaged, it will take much longer than 1 hour to fix them up.
Pain, is a way of life, if youve it to the end, you will probably be hurting, for this, I truly am sincerely sorry.
You mean a lot to me, and always will.
But spare a thought as to my pain as well. I dont pretend yours doesnt exist, I acknowledge that this is difficult on us all, but trust is the foundations of any relationship, take it away, and you have brickdust. Add trust, and you have a skyscraper

The Limitations of Language in Emotive Expression

Sometimes there are few things we can say really, thats all language is, an attempt to explain things. Emotions perhaps are never really done much justice. How does one really explain and show someone how we truly feel using language? It is near impossible.
For example, someone may have any varying degrees of happiness.
Another prime example is the emotion depressed. The child who was beaten in school today may come home and say he feels depressed. Meanwhile, the man who puts a double barrel shotgun into his mouth and pulled the trigger, making a puree of his brain may have said the exact same thing moments before pulling the trigger.
So language really cant truly hope to fully emphasise emotions, perhaps it can to closer degrees now with the larger vocabulary in each language, but it is all merely subjective and often changes from day to day. One person can explain the exact same emotion and feeling completely different, therefore complicating the matter even further. And unless there is a standardisation of emotional expressive language, which with my own admission is foolish and reduces the people's rights to creative expression and freedom, then emotions can not really be done justice. I guess perhaps non verbal language is more useful, though that too can be controlled by anyone who is skillfull at reading body language and manipulating it, a fascinating area in itself. I guess a combination is equally useful and we all pick up non verbal ques. It all comes down to purpose, reasoning and aims of the emotive expression. Since individual susceptability to different emotive responses varies as the weather does, this itself provides another issue. Someone may react deeply grieved one day and the following day, the same event or trigger may trigger a defensive, aggressive response.
But such is the limitations of verbal and non-verbal language. Where deception is common, misinterpretation a distinct possibility, and individual variability, a factor to contend with.

Trust and Betrayal

You see that girl, yeah her.
She seems so invincible right.
but just touch her & she'll flinch.
She has secrets & she trusts no one.
she's the perfect example of betrayal.
cause everyone she trusted, broke her!


People ask me why it's so hard to trust people,
and I ask them why is it so hard to keep a promise 


Love all, trust a few.

- William Shakespeare



Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain.
J. K. Rowling


Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare


Trust is giving someone information, power over you that is enough to damage or destroy you, but relying on them not to do so.
- Dion Anderson

A Rock and a Hard Place

A Rock and a Hard Place

The rock.

The hard place.

Both alike in countless ways,

But with a potential to be different,

In more ways than those alike.

An expression,

A method of freedom.

To attempt to express through language,

What language should not,

And what words cannot appreciate.

To be between a rock and a hard place.

An expression of entrapment.

Indicating no correct answer.

Talking of two choices,

Both undesirable,

But one is to be chosen,

Above the other choice.

So begs the question,

Which does one feel be better?

Be there correct an answer?

Yet it be both simple and complex,

For it is yes and no.

But what about the problems,

Of such a situation?

Many react overly,

Like a jerk of the knee.

Making such things worse,

Or creating a different field.

Whatever it be,

It matter little.

For few enjoy that feeling,

Of being between a rock,

And a very hard place.