Starting to wonder what Ill do to get out of this mess Im in.
My friend pointed out to me today that I am where she once was.
In a very bad and dangerous position.
If Im not careful, Ill be dead, and truth be told, I still wanna live,
Well part of me does anyway, and its to this part that Im singing to.
But as she said, once you have the tools to deal with it, you can fight it back better.
I need to find those tools.
She admitted to me that she thinks I need to be more active in my attack,
But even she is unsure how I do this.
If I come clean to them about everything,
Then they may have an obligation to report it.
Of course this may create more problems than its worth.
If I thought that would solve my problems, I would do this,
That is how desperate I am now.
But I think, as others agree, that it maybe the last straw.
My arms should indeed have been stitched up after the last shot.
Explains why they are killing me.
But I dont wanna be pushed.
I just need a lot of real good support, and I would appreciate it more
from the two people who are really messing with my head at the moment.
They have the knowledge, those tools, to help me.
But they need to do it in a supporting role, not an active role.
I respond better to this.
That way I can still remain in control, and keep some of my dignity.
I just dont know how we can have a mutual agreement on this.
But that, is something that I must do at the next meeting.
It is essential to my survival and my wellbeing.
I have fallen for too long.
Everyday I do nothing is a day of risk.
Im not good at maths, but I know that sooner or later, too many things will happen,
and it maybe enough for all 5 numbers to line up again.
And its been getting closer and closer.
Time to try to climb this hill.
As my friend said, she beat the depression, but lost her life.
She had an excellent future, but messed around for too long.
She wouldve been a doctor, if she had sorted it out sooner.
Instead, she was broke by it.
If I believe her on what she thinks (I have my reservations),
she thinks that I have the potential to do extraordinary things in my life, to change the medical field,
and the diving arena.
Frankly it sounds like something you'd feed to someone who is in a pickle-such as myself to give them hope.
Whilst I dont exactly believe it, I do know that if I put my mind to something, I could do some pretty good things.
Funny considering all I really desire in life is as that guy in the notebook says, to "live a life where you love someone with all your heart and they have loved you with all their heart".
To me, that would brilliant, to do more is just a benefit.
Well, either way, I need to try to get a grip on this.
Yes I am still hurting immensley from what my aunt has done,
and yes I am hurting from numerous other things,
kindly made worse by the depression.
But I need to ignore it, shut off emotionally, or compartmentalise, or something like that.
There is much work to be done.
I need to rely on those few I can trust, and assess who else can and cannot be trusted.
Do some spring cleaning and remove what doesnt need to be there and what is causing more pain than its worth.
And bring in the new and improved Dion.
The one that has seen what life truly is, the one that doesnt like what he sees, and decides he must change it.
The guy who loves everyone with all his heart, hurts when those he cares for hurt, and tries to help and be there for everyone.
This illnesss has taught me much, most of all not to judge people on face values.
I need to do this, and do it soon.
Year 12 beckons, my life beckons, and so do those who care.
Oh I truly wish it was easy as it is to type, but the reality is, this will be a shit storm for a long time.
Well, no where to go but up or down.
Down sucks, up is better,
Get on living, or get on dying.