Ok, it may sound weird, creepy or strange, but I can actually see the two major factions of my mind going to war right now.
Some background information first.
I have suspected for a while that my mind is divided into various thought processes. Almost like a separate personality, but not in the extreme sense of the phrase.
Well, today I finally have the proof.
After a conversation with Ms Pearce where I said much more than I wanted, I quickly fell out of the sky, and 10 minutes later, I had a pair of scissors in my hand in biology, and was honestly considering plunging them into my chest. I very nearly did. Instead, I decided I would wait until I got home and then I would slash myself and hopefully meet a timely demise. Hence, reducing mess and trauma at school. I acknowledged that I was feeling very bad, and noticed I was counting down to my date later today.
Instead, my mood flipped in a very short time.
It actually felt different, and I noticed that whilst suicide still seemed half decent, I no longer felt I didn't have a choice, but felt that whilst my circumstances were not pleasant, I wanted to go to sleep, and death wasn't sleep.
Don't get me wrong, suicide and death even now still seem rather sweet, but my whole view on things was different. I was open to talking and to suggestions and was less negative and sensitive.
Hell, I was even certain that I had to tell all to Tom and the Shrink later this week. Now that is a massive change.
Clearly this was not just a mood change, but a part of my cognition that was rational.
Perhaps we all have a rational and irrational side of our cognition and thinking and that when we are healthy, the rational side tends to dominate.
But when we become unwell, in which the psyche is affected, the irrational side perhaps tend to dominate.
Whilst in myself, I think that may fit, I don't like that hypothesis, mainly because it indicates that in unwell people, ok-such as myself, intervention is almost certainly warranted, even when that person chooses to refuse it.
Perhaps that is why the Mental Health Act of 2009 is written as it is. Yes, I have read it all, and tend to think there are a number of flaws, and that it tends to increase stigmatisation of psychological illnesses. I might add, whilst parts are interesting for someone of my position, especially so I know my rights and what I have to hold my tongue on, much of it is a political bunch of crap that smell suspiciously of a someone who either is rather cold and is a medical doctor, or someone who is being directed by a doctor, but has written it themselves.
Well, thats how I see it anyway, and think that it parts, there is a high chance of the act being abused and thus it being utilised when it should not.
Meh, anyway, I can feel my two sides battling out right now in a battle to win.
I wonder if it will be stalemated or if one will arise triumphant. The negative, irrational side has been winning way too much, and the more it wins, the weaker I feel, and the stronger the chance that the war is lost.
Well, just a load of bullshit Ive waffled on about anyway, but my thoughts and observations anyway.
Can really feel my punishments from talking to the teacher today, absolutely killing me.
Haha, the joy of a few minutes enjoyment.
Blood, gallons of the stuff!
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