Curious.
Society is built around the fear of death, that life is supreme.
Clearly me and society see things differently.
To me, death seems the ultimate reward, the answer to it all.
Its dark, and its nothing.
Therefore, it is nothing and everything at the same time.
The state of non existence, non suffering, non experience.
It is bliss.
How so many would ask?
Simple, bliss is defined as perfection, perfect happiness.
Since one is non existing, one cannot experience anything, therefore one must be in perfection.
Since for one to experience anything different, one would have to be living.
Though it could be argued that one must also be living to experience bliss, I tend to disagree.
Since I think it is virtually impossible to experience bliss in life, as there is always something that is causing
some form of issue, whether conscious or subconscious it matters not.
Basically, I can't wait to die, I think it will be the ultimate solution to the biggest problem of all,
which is debatedly life. Though to experience such problems, life must exist. So it really is a paradox
to screw with your head.
But at the same time, I don't think I'll actively search death out either.
There maybe something that makes life worth playing along with for a while.
But at the same time, Im not really gonna freak out majorly if I was faced with the inevitable ending of my
life, since it is a path we all walk whether we want to or not.
I have tasted romance, or perhaps only think I have, and have found that whilst I crave it like oxygen,
I am highly scared of it and am unsure what to do with it. Im scared of achieving it and retiring into
a monotony that may or may not exist. Hence further decreasing the real reason to play along with life's little
game.
Personally, death would be best experienced in comfort, such as being warm, and perhaps a little love would
be nice. Either that, or doing something noble, and actually being a nice person, more than just miserable
Dion. Helping to rescue a friend, or stranger from a life threatening incident and dying in the cause.
Dying for my country, in an act of duty and love for my country.
But alas, such things happen rarely.
Which is good.
But the world needs hero's, it is clear of that.
But death comes swiftly to some,
And yet refuses to embrace some for ages, long after the will to live has left them.
Which one of them I am, I remain uncertain.
I think there remains something for me to do here.
Of what that is, I know not.
Perhaps I am destined for great things as people tell me.
But when my work is done, then, perhaps will I reassess the situation.
And then, I may decide again.
Though what life throws my way, and whether I can stand in the face of such adversity may be another thing.
On occasions, I do indeed find it difficult to control the hand that wields a blade.
And my reluctance to take the hand that wields a smile is concerning, though often that hand conceals other
things. So trust is perhaps not at its premium with good reason.
Ah shit,
Death, if you want me.
Come get me, if you dont, then at least leave me alone and stop toying with me.
Piss off SU, SI come in.
SI is ok, SU, you work for the reaper.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Found out our dog that was lost was taken out by a car on the Southern Expressway last Friday.
At least she died quickly I guess. A car at 100km/h would be quick as I reckon, its freakin me out though.
Keep having thoughts of her final moments.
And also cos thats what my mate said she'd do if she was too do it, which was close on occassions. She lives nearby as well.
Kinda scary and cant help but imagine it being her instead.
Seems Im fooling most people, they thought today may have been a bit of tough day, but sort of figured I was doing ok.
Inside, I was and am right now dying.
Mate really was doing it tough today, but refused to say anything, so I was convinced I had done something wrong, and still wonder if I did. She said year 12 is getting to her, which I can appreciate, even though her workload against mine is minute. But I understand it is difficult no matter what. I think i may have contributed to that.
Really took my day down. Had razor in hand today, and used. in Maths. Coincidentally just as KP was walking past. Just missed eye contact, though I get the impression we may have still observed each other. I think she may have worked out something was up, even though we havent had contact in a few weeks really. Just a feeling Ive got, she's seen me at my worst a lot, and I kinda wonder if she read my eyes well. and perhaps body language, though at a glimpse its tough.
I really miss our chats, sounds pathetic, but some people are good to chat too and make u feel at ease, often a little too much so. Reality is, I need to develop or at least survive this. Cos I doubt many will be round next year, in the big wide world. Itll be me, on my own again, or virtually anyway. Yes, perhaps those who have supported me this year will be round, but not as much, and I should not rely on them. It doesnt do to rely on anyone much, or at least on only a few people. And I shouldnt really for my own health. I thought I had got teh better of this, I think there is no different, merely that Im better at hiding it from others and myself even. When I stop and think, its still there, and Im scared of staying still for too long. I dont wanna lose year 12 to this, if I havent already. I want medicine in uni, or health sciences. I wanna start truly working towards my career, my new self. Hopefully where I have better control of this. If I really close look at myself, a fraction of me is still convinced that this is gonna go pear shaped in the worst possible way, but Im trying to disregard that part. To pick and choose parts of me I wanna listen too. SI wont be leaving me for a fair while soon. Which means Im gonna b fucked in Summer. Shorts will cover most damage, but not all of it. Seems my legs have less nerves in them, or else I attack them with SI and SU when im more distressed. For there are scars of cuts long gone that arent fading, so looks like Ill be getting lots of strange and concerned looks from mates, dive buddies, and others in general. Ha, and thats only whats there now. No telling whatll happen in summer itself. Waist band will get more than its fair share Id say. Mind u, half of my waist and legs are only scar tissue.
Dam I am a weird person, but hey, thats me for you. Like me or dont. Just dont tell me if you dont, or I may get upset. As for upsetting me in general, do not-not say something to me cos ur worried it might set me off. Its not ur concern or ur problem. If i do cut, burn or otherwise, thats my problem. No, it aint stupidity, psycho, or anything else. Its coping. Cutting, Burning, Drinking, Getting High, Exercising, Sleeping, etc. Its all coping mechanisms.
Ahh, anyway. Today wasnt fun, caffeine tablets arent working that well and had to take a few today to get any form of alertness increase. Not sure if I should continue my pursuit in alertness from caffeine, or search for alternate methods. Im getting quite a bit of sleep, so must be quality that Im lacking. Perhaps exercise if I can locate the energy, or perhaps its a medical problem and I should talk to a doc. Though the chance a doc will give me something to help is unlikely, mind u, i dont know whats on my medical record-depends if they suspect ive been suicidal-I wonder if that nasty trip to teh Womens and Childrens is down there? That would screw any idea of sleep aid.
Meh, dont want sleep aid, only more alertness so I can work harder, and perhaps help improve moods a bit. Hate pretending, takes up lots of energy needed for study and fighting the Big D.
Mmm sleep, so luxurious, feel like I need about 48 hours of the stuff. So tired, but go to bed, and cant sleep for fuckin hours. Yet not alert enough or energy enough to study well.
Ahh! continuous battle.
Thankfully SU has only knocked and come in, not sat down and made herself at home like she did for a while there, trying to take me with her. And she only does every now and then, which is kinda good.
Still worried about another mate of mine, weve drifted apart a bit, even though we r similar in ways in our fights with the Big D and A.
Means a lot to me, and I hope she realises so. But I know the past few weeks for her have been hell, and I think-hope that a few of her mates have helped her out and stuck by her. But I know my place, and she knows my number and to call it at anytime, and if needed, I will go to her, even if I have to walk from Edithburgh, Ill be there. Just send her a FB msg from time to time, to know that I care and worry about her, though I know she equally worried about me.
Meh, shit happens, so dam lonely right now, even though im not alone. Would kill to have a good chat with someone, and perhaps some nice hugs as well. Ah well, Dion, its time to be a man, stand on your own two feet, and dont rely on anyone else. Rely on yourself. If you can. Born into the world on your own, exit it the same way. Prepare to walk and experience all the shit that life brings on your own. If you get company, sweet. But be careful, most people have a motivation for it, and those that dont, are the ones you can never let leave. These are the gems, that make life worth living for the most part.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Apologies
Not sure if anyone reads this, or if the person I'm referring to does, but I'll write it anyway.
To a confidant, and someone who has become I guess somewhat of a friend,
I am sorry for my harsh words the other day.
You mean a great deal to me, and unfortunately you have seen more than you should have to this year,
at least from me.
I don't intend to shut off contact permanently, personally, you are an excellent person to chat too.
And I hope to have many chats in the future, preferably of much more light hearted things.
Other people have received similar treatment, and some who I have not should have, but for them, it is too
late. Perhaps they would not heed my requests anyway and I would have to end such a friendship, which
would pain me dearly.
Anyway, I hope you can realise I have not done this to hurt you, perhaps protect you a little, and allow me to
try to work out where I am at the moment.
Sorry, I hope to be in touch very soon. Part of me desires to chat, another not too. Unsure as to which
I should heed, and of the repercussions of either.
Sorry Karen
To a confidant, and someone who has become I guess somewhat of a friend,
I am sorry for my harsh words the other day.
You mean a great deal to me, and unfortunately you have seen more than you should have to this year,
at least from me.
I don't intend to shut off contact permanently, personally, you are an excellent person to chat too.
And I hope to have many chats in the future, preferably of much more light hearted things.
Other people have received similar treatment, and some who I have not should have, but for them, it is too
late. Perhaps they would not heed my requests anyway and I would have to end such a friendship, which
would pain me dearly.
Anyway, I hope you can realise I have not done this to hurt you, perhaps protect you a little, and allow me to
try to work out where I am at the moment.
Sorry, I hope to be in touch very soon. Part of me desires to chat, another not too. Unsure as to which
I should heed, and of the repercussions of either.
Sorry Karen
Shit
Funny how in the moment, we can do really foolish things that we come to regret later.
Knowing that it will come to pain, suffering and agony for oneself and worse still, others.
Knowing that we put our desires above that of anothers, when we should not.
Whilst they may think it is as they desire, one wonders whether they are aware of such a subscription.
Foolish to allow the desire for something more to overtake one's promises to oneself and others, and that of
reason.
Now one is in a situation where no matter what arises, pain will ensue.
Is it better to pretend, and hope that something happens?
And allow one's own suffering take place to protect others.
Most likely, as long as such a mask can be held with conviction.
Perhaps things will occur of their own accord.
Probably best to hurt and protect others from such hurt, although that hurt is likely to hurt anyway.
Fuck I'm in a pickle.
It is the beginning of the end for what I valued, for that is likely to be the result of my foolhardiness.
I am a fool, and I scold myself greatly for this.
It is a shame, what we could achieve with hindsight, or perhaps a little more reason in a sudden urge of
foolishness.
Again, my list of allies runs even thinner.
Fool of a Took!
Knowing that it will come to pain, suffering and agony for oneself and worse still, others.
Knowing that we put our desires above that of anothers, when we should not.
Whilst they may think it is as they desire, one wonders whether they are aware of such a subscription.
Foolish to allow the desire for something more to overtake one's promises to oneself and others, and that of
reason.
Now one is in a situation where no matter what arises, pain will ensue.
Is it better to pretend, and hope that something happens?
And allow one's own suffering take place to protect others.
Most likely, as long as such a mask can be held with conviction.
Perhaps things will occur of their own accord.
Probably best to hurt and protect others from such hurt, although that hurt is likely to hurt anyway.
Fuck I'm in a pickle.
It is the beginning of the end for what I valued, for that is likely to be the result of my foolhardiness.
I am a fool, and I scold myself greatly for this.
It is a shame, what we could achieve with hindsight, or perhaps a little more reason in a sudden urge of
foolishness.
Again, my list of allies runs even thinner.
Fool of a Took!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I have changed.
I feel it in my body,
I see it in my eyes,
I smell it in my sweat.
Much that I once was,
Is lost.
And much that was none,
Is all.
I shall never be the same again.
I think I shall never feel what it once was.
I know not if I can tolerate that.
Views are gone, innocence lost.
Rosy coloured glasses, destroyed.
Monday, August 22, 2011
After reading a post on the FB group Reach Out, I am convinced that the admin of the group who is a counselor does not understand the full picture of self injury. That is not to say that I do, but she clearly misses some major points and yet is trying to inform and encourage the cessation of such behavior. It is almost written as if we do not realise what we're doing or that we're very stupid.
This is distressing, and she completely condones the it.
Im not saying its acceptable, but sometimes its necessary.
If someone doesn't have the strategies to deal with a situation or that situation is larger than they can deal with,
then yes I think if it temporarily reduces the pain or provides relief, than if it is carefully done it is not unacceptable.
The problem with this is that often it is easy to get carried away. I have.
Society is largely a black and white society. Society has borderline personality disorder I think.
No half measures are allowed.
Suicide is completely condoned by society as a whole as is many things including self injury.
Homosexuality and other varying forms of sexuality have only recently become truly acceptable.
Yet in certain cases, suicide and self harm can be more acceptable. This is not to say it is acceptable, but it is not unacceptable as well.
Society is built around the grounding foundation that life is always right.
Hypocritically, they'll execute criminals but preserve life even in the most hopeless cases where people can be literally begging for the coup de grace.
For this reason alone, society is sick. My mate says its fucked, it is in a way.
Reality is, it should be based upon an individuals decision.
For what is largely becoming a non-religious nation gradually, it continues to put emphasis on life as opposed to choice.
If we are in control of our lives, surely we should have the capacity to end it for a reason. Obviously certain parameters probably should be used as a guide, but not as a definite.
Eg: someone who wishes to suicide and is under 18 should be prevented in all cases, except perhaps if with a terminal illness.
Even then, discretion should be used.
Im not saying I want people to suicide, I really do cringe and dont like it at all. But I also respect the individuals decision to choice. I will still love them no matter what.
Obviously this can be gone into extreme depth, and perhaps I should produce an essay regarding this topic with research done, though I suspect it will take a lot of time and be at least 2500 words.
Anyway, back to my main point. There is a lot to be said and understood about self harm. Many psychologists and other 'professionals' know little or only know what is largely stereotypical bullshit written by a bunch of medical fuckwits who dont know a lot about it except from their scarce observations, or what they have gleaned. I realise some have done some really good stuff on this topic, but sadly since much is liable to interpretation, extrapolation and individual stupidity, can be convoluted. Very few people have written extensively on this after speaking and closely interacting with those of us who SI. Some of this can be attributed to the quiet nature of this dark horse, which is not helped by those who show little understanding or make stupid assumptions or extrapolations based upon a few books or observations. Too often those who treat or are in contact with those who do such things are already decided upon and dont treat each person or even each case of self harm from the same person as an entirely new field. Reality is, it is vastly different from person to person and thus whilst knowledge bases and understanding is excellent, professionals really need to approach each case completely free of anything that may cause them to make fast conclusions, assumptions etc. You get the idea.
Self harm, Im its bitch and its my bitch.
For the time being, if it gets me over the line, Im not overly bothered.
An example perhaps of a more acceptable reason. High stress time, if it relieves stress and allows the mark to be reached, it cannot be that bad. Better than burning out on the strait or having a major breakdown after.
This is distressing, and she completely condones the it.
Im not saying its acceptable, but sometimes its necessary.
If someone doesn't have the strategies to deal with a situation or that situation is larger than they can deal with,
then yes I think if it temporarily reduces the pain or provides relief, than if it is carefully done it is not unacceptable.
The problem with this is that often it is easy to get carried away. I have.
Society is largely a black and white society. Society has borderline personality disorder I think.
No half measures are allowed.
Suicide is completely condoned by society as a whole as is many things including self injury.
Homosexuality and other varying forms of sexuality have only recently become truly acceptable.
Yet in certain cases, suicide and self harm can be more acceptable. This is not to say it is acceptable, but it is not unacceptable as well.
Society is built around the grounding foundation that life is always right.
Hypocritically, they'll execute criminals but preserve life even in the most hopeless cases where people can be literally begging for the coup de grace.
For this reason alone, society is sick. My mate says its fucked, it is in a way.
Reality is, it should be based upon an individuals decision.
For what is largely becoming a non-religious nation gradually, it continues to put emphasis on life as opposed to choice.
If we are in control of our lives, surely we should have the capacity to end it for a reason. Obviously certain parameters probably should be used as a guide, but not as a definite.
Eg: someone who wishes to suicide and is under 18 should be prevented in all cases, except perhaps if with a terminal illness.
Even then, discretion should be used.
Im not saying I want people to suicide, I really do cringe and dont like it at all. But I also respect the individuals decision to choice. I will still love them no matter what.
Obviously this can be gone into extreme depth, and perhaps I should produce an essay regarding this topic with research done, though I suspect it will take a lot of time and be at least 2500 words.
Anyway, back to my main point. There is a lot to be said and understood about self harm. Many psychologists and other 'professionals' know little or only know what is largely stereotypical bullshit written by a bunch of medical fuckwits who dont know a lot about it except from their scarce observations, or what they have gleaned. I realise some have done some really good stuff on this topic, but sadly since much is liable to interpretation, extrapolation and individual stupidity, can be convoluted. Very few people have written extensively on this after speaking and closely interacting with those of us who SI. Some of this can be attributed to the quiet nature of this dark horse, which is not helped by those who show little understanding or make stupid assumptions or extrapolations based upon a few books or observations. Too often those who treat or are in contact with those who do such things are already decided upon and dont treat each person or even each case of self harm from the same person as an entirely new field. Reality is, it is vastly different from person to person and thus whilst knowledge bases and understanding is excellent, professionals really need to approach each case completely free of anything that may cause them to make fast conclusions, assumptions etc. You get the idea.
Self harm, Im its bitch and its my bitch.
For the time being, if it gets me over the line, Im not overly bothered.
An example perhaps of a more acceptable reason. High stress time, if it relieves stress and allows the mark to be reached, it cannot be that bad. Better than burning out on the strait or having a major breakdown after.
Friday, August 19, 2011
If we spend many time periods pondering questions and deeply searching for answers to these questions.
If we find an answer we do not like, that makes us uncomfortable, deeply depressed, even suicidal, or just in general changes your view on things, must we accept it?
Is it good that we have found answer to our question, even if we can see that it is more than likely correct, even if it causes problems?
One could consider it a blessing that we have found a truth in a false world.
But at the same time, the damage that these answers may do, are they worth it?
And how do we let go of these answers so we can function correctly?
Or do we change the course of our life due to this?
It is such a difficult set of questions to answer, if they can be answered at all.
Many would give answers quickly, but they see not the complexity of the question nor its implication.
I do wonder.
I lose many hours sleep to this and others, and do also spend many times desiring a better answer.
But then, could one's judgement and this conclusions be bias from another source, external or internal.
For example, by a close friend who maybe influencing us, or an illness that exacerbates or changes our perception.
How is it that, with our answer, we are still expected to function? And that we hold onto seemingly mundane and silly tasks every day.
But then, what is the alternative?
We could, try to follow the lead of Siddartha Gautama and lead a life of deep though, education and non-existence, absent of suffering and acceptance of truths.
Alternatively, we could seek out non-existence in a more physical and active nature.
What shall we do?
It is puzzling.
For months, I have known the answer, for months I have suffered under this knowledge.
And now I must come to some conclusion.
Neither is right, neither is wrong.
Those who say one is over the other, better be able to substantiate their case, as I do desire to hear it.
For it is selfish on many levels, as it is otherwise.
I just want an answer, or a way to change my perception on it.
I just wanna function correctly and happily with this knowledge, or not function at all happily.
If there is not happily, then ultimately it is not my path.
If we find an answer we do not like, that makes us uncomfortable, deeply depressed, even suicidal, or just in general changes your view on things, must we accept it?
Is it good that we have found answer to our question, even if we can see that it is more than likely correct, even if it causes problems?
One could consider it a blessing that we have found a truth in a false world.
But at the same time, the damage that these answers may do, are they worth it?
And how do we let go of these answers so we can function correctly?
Or do we change the course of our life due to this?
It is such a difficult set of questions to answer, if they can be answered at all.
Many would give answers quickly, but they see not the complexity of the question nor its implication.
I do wonder.
I lose many hours sleep to this and others, and do also spend many times desiring a better answer.
But then, could one's judgement and this conclusions be bias from another source, external or internal.
For example, by a close friend who maybe influencing us, or an illness that exacerbates or changes our perception.
How is it that, with our answer, we are still expected to function? And that we hold onto seemingly mundane and silly tasks every day.
But then, what is the alternative?
We could, try to follow the lead of Siddartha Gautama and lead a life of deep though, education and non-existence, absent of suffering and acceptance of truths.
Alternatively, we could seek out non-existence in a more physical and active nature.
What shall we do?
It is puzzling.
For months, I have known the answer, for months I have suffered under this knowledge.
And now I must come to some conclusion.
Neither is right, neither is wrong.
Those who say one is over the other, better be able to substantiate their case, as I do desire to hear it.
For it is selfish on many levels, as it is otherwise.
I just want an answer, or a way to change my perception on it.
I just wanna function correctly and happily with this knowledge, or not function at all happily.
If there is not happily, then ultimately it is not my path.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Music News!
OK, so its official, Cold Chisel are doing another concert in Adelaide on the 6th of December......and I have tickets!
It is gonna be epic, and I suspect maybe the final thing we hear of Chisel.
Light the Nitro....hell I certainly will be. If only I was a few days older and I could purchase some alcohol as well.
Meh, I can still party just as hard as any nobhead on ethanol.
Hehe, can't wait.
Only one thing thats better...
TAYLOR SWIFT is coming to Adelaide on the 4th March 2012 on her Speak Now Tour.
Well, I missed her last tour, and I will not be missing this one.
I don't care if I gotta fly to Melbourne, I am not missing her.
I suspect that tickets will be around the $150 mark.
Probably the easiest thing to part with in the world.
Hell, I'd purchase them if they were $200.
Oh I cant get enough of Taylor.
Yes, she has talent.
I just can't wait for her next album, and this concert.
Tickets go on sale soon, guess who will be staying up late to ensure I get them.
Well, something to look forward to I guess.
Oh, and Evanescence are releasing their new album next month I think....WIN!
Haha, on other notes, I suspect I have the flu, running temperatures all weekend and haven't revised for upcoming tests. Please shoot me now.
Think I may have decided to return to school next year. It seems they love me so much, they just don't want to let me go. lol
Better than a shit time in uni and screwing it up though.
Med is all I want, and all I need.
I considered nursing, but med, is the prize.
My reward.
I noticed that whenever I research into medical archives or learn stuff on it-like in biology at the moment, I have what must be equivalent to an academic orgasm. It is such cool and fascinating stuff.
I am weird.
It is gonna be epic, and I suspect maybe the final thing we hear of Chisel.
Light the Nitro....hell I certainly will be. If only I was a few days older and I could purchase some alcohol as well.
Meh, I can still party just as hard as any nobhead on ethanol.
Hehe, can't wait.
Only one thing thats better...
TAYLOR SWIFT is coming to Adelaide on the 4th March 2012 on her Speak Now Tour.
Well, I missed her last tour, and I will not be missing this one.
I don't care if I gotta fly to Melbourne, I am not missing her.
I suspect that tickets will be around the $150 mark.
Probably the easiest thing to part with in the world.
Hell, I'd purchase them if they were $200.
Oh I cant get enough of Taylor.
Yes, she has talent.
I just can't wait for her next album, and this concert.
Tickets go on sale soon, guess who will be staying up late to ensure I get them.
Well, something to look forward to I guess.
Oh, and Evanescence are releasing their new album next month I think....WIN!
Haha, on other notes, I suspect I have the flu, running temperatures all weekend and haven't revised for upcoming tests. Please shoot me now.
Think I may have decided to return to school next year. It seems they love me so much, they just don't want to let me go. lol
Better than a shit time in uni and screwing it up though.
Med is all I want, and all I need.
I considered nursing, but med, is the prize.
My reward.
I noticed that whenever I research into medical archives or learn stuff on it-like in biology at the moment, I have what must be equivalent to an academic orgasm. It is such cool and fascinating stuff.
I am weird.
Friday, August 12, 2011
I truly am trying as hard as I can to understand this maths.
Why can I not do it?
The demotivation from it is causing me to slip again.
I I dont want this, I dont need it, I have a lot of business to attend to.
Now Im realising my loneliness again.
Meh, no use whinging on here about it.
My fault, my stupidity, now Ill foot the bill for it.
Why can I not do it?
The demotivation from it is causing me to slip again.
I I dont want this, I dont need it, I have a lot of business to attend to.
Now Im realising my loneliness again.
Meh, no use whinging on here about it.
My fault, my stupidity, now Ill foot the bill for it.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Finally!
Finally a day that I can say, hey I didn't hit it hard. I didn't sit and think, dam I wanna die, dam I think Im gonna do something about this pain, or even, goodbye mates, I dont know if youll see me again.
That didnt occur today.
What did occur was more desirable. It wouldnt knock most people's socks off by a long shot, but it was a day I can say hey, Im glad I was living, and if I died now, Id die a happy man.
I had one hiccup regarding one thing, but it made me more determined to make my point.
Well, basically I was meant to meet with tom today. The poor guy's sick, and I hope he's feeling better soon. Well, that made the day a touch easier to go with, considering I was dry retching prior to finding out due to anxiety and also probably to the large number of jalapeno peppers from the day before (YUM!).
Well, physics was pretty good, managed to hand my prac report up, it wasnt brilliant, but I got it up. Then did an interesting prac for physics (highly unusual, all physics pracs usually suck). Went nuts on food and ate lots, cost me too much cash, but yummy...sadly the teenagers stomach is always empty.....
Maths, quite bareable, embarrassed myself with my usual sexual inuendos, jokes, and word twisting. Stupid antics, but keep me laughing, gotta be a good thing, though Ive let a little too much of me out of the proverbial bag. Seems I am not abnormal, but very normal and typical of a guy. haha (use your imagination and multiply that thought by a power of ten).
Had a reasonable talk with forsyth, aka forskin, about statistics, started to understand a bit, he put the pressure on for the DI, but decided Id meet with him in my 2nd free (last lesson) to chat about it, since I was sleeping through the whole matrices topic which the DI's on.
In first free, got stuck into physics, hit a snag, I reckon its palnocks dodgy results and will investigate further with him on Friday. Went onto maths DI, lovely Danielle helped me with it, and what do you know, I understand how its done....I think. Danielle, for year 12 Maths teacher! lol.
Worked out all maths calculations. Now just gotta write the dam thing, a very big task.
Found Forsyth and chatted with him.
Here he rubbed me up the wrong way, probably with a bit of hard reality, but didnt want it nonetheless, still trying to remain in denial.
Basically said Id fucked the year, in maths at least. I realise that, but its hard to take, dont know how much Ill beat the shit of myself, but I suspect when I finally acknowledge it, I will be very sore at the least, and potentially sporting many bruises, cuts, burns and maybe some other damage.
Clearly not a good thing when it hits, dont think ill need any weapons either, id say I could do it with myself.
But hey, never know, I may be able to avert that situation, or at least gradually introduce it and thus trying to moderate damage, the sudden realisation may trigger worse effects. He seems to think that I shouldnt be going for medicine, that I wont get there. One response to that. Ill show you!
Its what I want, what I need, and what Ill get, even if I have to resit goddam year 12 for 4 years in a row. Ill get there!
Am starting to realise Ive fucked the year and am freaking out about what Im gonna do, dont wanna repeat, but dont wanna find myself in uni where its harder to have the support that I do at the moment, that is if I bloody well accept it all-Im a fool for pushing it away but its what happens when ur shitting urself.
Fuck Im stupid, guess Ill have to face up to all my fuckups soon, in the next few days, dont want to, at the moment Im doing ok. What goes up though must crash land though, or it is with me anyway.
On the upside, did research into courses next year, and ended up heading to the betrayer. Went over, completely pointless, dont think she really gives a crap. Just bullshit again, starting to wonder if I can be bothered making an effort when she isnt. Dont know why Im trying to patch things up, I didnt betray someone that I knew was doing it tough. Mind you, I still feel guilt.
Meh, dancing was bloody brilliant. Why can I not dance the night away, the pain away, everything away?
It is so beautiful, so enjoyable, and liberating. Its the only time when I am strongest. This forsaken illness fights back, but as long as the musics going, and Im dancing, I can keep it at bay for a while. It eventually gets me, but not easily, and Im not mentally screwing myself fighting it. So i still have fight to hold it off a little longer.
And Im generally riding on cloud 9 as well.
Today we covered Rock n Roll, Rumba and Cha Cha.
I already know the full bronze routine for Rumba, and I learnt the final steps for the bronze cha cha as well.
The Rock n Roll, we just sped through and kept the rest entertained as we rocked to the fast tempo, taking full advantage of the very vacant dance floor. Got taught another step for the Rock n Roll as well. I think its called the hand drop and turn or something. Looks very specky, but easier than it looks. Involves a lot of trust though or my partner may end up in the crowd twice. Havent lost one yet though and not planning on, though iv been clobbered in the moosh once hehe.
Cha Cha turns out Ive finally got the top mastered, and we finished with a fan, and then fan alamana, and then repeated. good fun, very active dance. rumba definitely the most sensual, definitely something i look forward to dancing with someone special. rock n roll, feel goog dance and bloody fun. cha cha, very fast, nice and latiny and kinda reminds me of the passionate, steamy scenes in the romance genre of movies except vertically inclined.
guess thats why they say that dance is the vertically inclined equivalent of a horizontal desire. lol
Lets Dance.
Now onto HW, maths di, maths integration revision-never learned so its hardly revision.
Can see myself going to bed soon though and setting the ticker to 4 am or something horrible like that.
Too late to take good ol no doze.
That didnt occur today.
What did occur was more desirable. It wouldnt knock most people's socks off by a long shot, but it was a day I can say hey, Im glad I was living, and if I died now, Id die a happy man.
I had one hiccup regarding one thing, but it made me more determined to make my point.
Well, basically I was meant to meet with tom today. The poor guy's sick, and I hope he's feeling better soon. Well, that made the day a touch easier to go with, considering I was dry retching prior to finding out due to anxiety and also probably to the large number of jalapeno peppers from the day before (YUM!).
Well, physics was pretty good, managed to hand my prac report up, it wasnt brilliant, but I got it up. Then did an interesting prac for physics (highly unusual, all physics pracs usually suck). Went nuts on food and ate lots, cost me too much cash, but yummy...sadly the teenagers stomach is always empty.....
Maths, quite bareable, embarrassed myself with my usual sexual inuendos, jokes, and word twisting. Stupid antics, but keep me laughing, gotta be a good thing, though Ive let a little too much of me out of the proverbial bag. Seems I am not abnormal, but very normal and typical of a guy. haha (use your imagination and multiply that thought by a power of ten).
Had a reasonable talk with forsyth, aka forskin, about statistics, started to understand a bit, he put the pressure on for the DI, but decided Id meet with him in my 2nd free (last lesson) to chat about it, since I was sleeping through the whole matrices topic which the DI's on.
In first free, got stuck into physics, hit a snag, I reckon its palnocks dodgy results and will investigate further with him on Friday. Went onto maths DI, lovely Danielle helped me with it, and what do you know, I understand how its done....I think. Danielle, for year 12 Maths teacher! lol.
Worked out all maths calculations. Now just gotta write the dam thing, a very big task.
Found Forsyth and chatted with him.
Here he rubbed me up the wrong way, probably with a bit of hard reality, but didnt want it nonetheless, still trying to remain in denial.
Basically said Id fucked the year, in maths at least. I realise that, but its hard to take, dont know how much Ill beat the shit of myself, but I suspect when I finally acknowledge it, I will be very sore at the least, and potentially sporting many bruises, cuts, burns and maybe some other damage.
Clearly not a good thing when it hits, dont think ill need any weapons either, id say I could do it with myself.
But hey, never know, I may be able to avert that situation, or at least gradually introduce it and thus trying to moderate damage, the sudden realisation may trigger worse effects. He seems to think that I shouldnt be going for medicine, that I wont get there. One response to that. Ill show you!
Its what I want, what I need, and what Ill get, even if I have to resit goddam year 12 for 4 years in a row. Ill get there!
Am starting to realise Ive fucked the year and am freaking out about what Im gonna do, dont wanna repeat, but dont wanna find myself in uni where its harder to have the support that I do at the moment, that is if I bloody well accept it all-Im a fool for pushing it away but its what happens when ur shitting urself.
Fuck Im stupid, guess Ill have to face up to all my fuckups soon, in the next few days, dont want to, at the moment Im doing ok. What goes up though must crash land though, or it is with me anyway.
On the upside, did research into courses next year, and ended up heading to the betrayer. Went over, completely pointless, dont think she really gives a crap. Just bullshit again, starting to wonder if I can be bothered making an effort when she isnt. Dont know why Im trying to patch things up, I didnt betray someone that I knew was doing it tough. Mind you, I still feel guilt.
Meh, dancing was bloody brilliant. Why can I not dance the night away, the pain away, everything away?
It is so beautiful, so enjoyable, and liberating. Its the only time when I am strongest. This forsaken illness fights back, but as long as the musics going, and Im dancing, I can keep it at bay for a while. It eventually gets me, but not easily, and Im not mentally screwing myself fighting it. So i still have fight to hold it off a little longer.
And Im generally riding on cloud 9 as well.
Today we covered Rock n Roll, Rumba and Cha Cha.
I already know the full bronze routine for Rumba, and I learnt the final steps for the bronze cha cha as well.
The Rock n Roll, we just sped through and kept the rest entertained as we rocked to the fast tempo, taking full advantage of the very vacant dance floor. Got taught another step for the Rock n Roll as well. I think its called the hand drop and turn or something. Looks very specky, but easier than it looks. Involves a lot of trust though or my partner may end up in the crowd twice. Havent lost one yet though and not planning on, though iv been clobbered in the moosh once hehe.
Cha Cha turns out Ive finally got the top mastered, and we finished with a fan, and then fan alamana, and then repeated. good fun, very active dance. rumba definitely the most sensual, definitely something i look forward to dancing with someone special. rock n roll, feel goog dance and bloody fun. cha cha, very fast, nice and latiny and kinda reminds me of the passionate, steamy scenes in the romance genre of movies except vertically inclined.
guess thats why they say that dance is the vertically inclined equivalent of a horizontal desire. lol
Lets Dance.
Now onto HW, maths di, maths integration revision-never learned so its hardly revision.
Can see myself going to bed soon though and setting the ticker to 4 am or something horrible like that.
Too late to take good ol no doze.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Hmm, taking a few heavy hits now, but Im still standing.
For a while there, it was gonna be the worst when I got home,
but managed to get above Su's threshold.
Hope to stay well and truly above it tonight and get more work done.
Appointment with Tom tomorrow.
I can already feel the huge amount of tension inside of me,
seems Im concerned that I may spill my guts completely which would be bad.
Didn't realise how easily manipulated I am till today,
due to this, it seems I am very vulnerable.
Hope to get some strong defenses up for tomorrow.
Can already feel the tension and anxiety building.
Strongly suspect Ill be having a few panic attacks before the night is out,
and some tomorrow morning. Hope I can keep a grip enough to be useful.
Do that, and I may be prepared to actually make this meeting a productive one.
So dam tired, I think it'll be the caffeine tablets to the rescue, hopefully they work,
and hopefully I dont get carried away as I have in the past....come to think of it,
I still remember the 14 I took in one hit, and the side effects of that are still.....
disturbing.
Have 48 left, well below LD50, so no chance of that doing me in, and there are no major interactions either,
good thing given how variable moods are at the moment. Mind you, Id have to be silly to try a chemical train trip on a weekday, no, only one day that is for.
But, no, that is not for me, living is for me.
Thoughts are thought, and dont require the action of making them real.
Figments of imagination, I must leave them be.
I will not die, in my time of dying.
For a while there, it was gonna be the worst when I got home,
but managed to get above Su's threshold.
Hope to stay well and truly above it tonight and get more work done.
Appointment with Tom tomorrow.
I can already feel the huge amount of tension inside of me,
seems Im concerned that I may spill my guts completely which would be bad.
Didn't realise how easily manipulated I am till today,
due to this, it seems I am very vulnerable.
Hope to get some strong defenses up for tomorrow.
Can already feel the tension and anxiety building.
Strongly suspect Ill be having a few panic attacks before the night is out,
and some tomorrow morning. Hope I can keep a grip enough to be useful.
Do that, and I may be prepared to actually make this meeting a productive one.
So dam tired, I think it'll be the caffeine tablets to the rescue, hopefully they work,
and hopefully I dont get carried away as I have in the past....come to think of it,
I still remember the 14 I took in one hit, and the side effects of that are still.....
disturbing.
Have 48 left, well below LD50, so no chance of that doing me in, and there are no major interactions either,
good thing given how variable moods are at the moment. Mind you, Id have to be silly to try a chemical train trip on a weekday, no, only one day that is for.
But, no, that is not for me, living is for me.
Thoughts are thought, and dont require the action of making them real.
Figments of imagination, I must leave them be.
I will not die, in my time of dying.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Survived, + Pledge
Survived another day!
Given that today was one of the hardest Ive had in a long time, equal if not exceeded by the trip to the city.
Very sincerely considered catching the bus, but managed to avoid it. Really didn't think I had a choice for a while though.
Almost completely withdrew today from Blondie, and others, which was hard. I didnt wanna bring them down, and just didnt see the point in talking about this when all it does is rouse concern.
Running out of methods and ideas, perhaps Ill go with Renae's idea.
Just suffer in pain and stop trying to look for perfects fixs.
At least itll make everyone else happier.
Seems whilst I often feel that catching the bus is the best for me, and is a thing I would do for me,
I thought of Blondie, and her young year 8 friend today, and realised that the little one wouldn't understand.
Something about her innocence struck a chord with me, and Ive held it to my breast for the past few hours.
I still want the pain to stop, but that is only natural.
If I can survive to Wednesday, which is near certain, then I think I have a plan to approach this meeting with Tom.
Something where we can both receive a lot of use from.
It needs to be mutually agreed, but Ive gotta do something.
Escitalopram didnt work, so I need to find an alternative anti-d.
If I can stabilise my mood, remove the bus from the table, and at least have a few good hours each day, then I can do this.
And if the CBT screws with me too much, then an agreement along the lines of not doing it until the 11th of November will have to be arranged, so Im not knocked off my perch each time.
That way I can get my head down and hard for the final few weeks of year 12, and at least do well in a few subjects, then perhaps, I shall return to REC next year, or not depending upon how well I do.
All I know, is this cannot go on, and catching the bus really isnt what I want, perhaps if Id lived longer, then yes, but not now.
I still havent loved, laid, dived, danced and lots of other things yet.
And it isnt the right order of things, I dont want my parent have to bury their child, when Im meant to bury them.
I'll Hold On Ms Pearce, Ill see you tomorrow.
No matter how hard I have to push, how many tears, or blood I have to shed, Ill be here tomorrow, and the next day as well.
I may cry, I may bleed, I may even burn, or possibly even OD, but I won't be dying by my hand this week.
As for the ones after that, well, each day as it comes. Ill post another promise next week.
For Bec, Emma, Ms Pearce, Alicia, Danielle, Hayley, Cassi, Rose, Lauren, Jill, Liam, Ms Duke, other teachers.
I love you all, and I hold on for you.
One day I will hold on for me, but right now, you'll all have to suffice.
I can see your love, and I know it exists, but right now I cant feel it. But one day I will, and it will be a blissful day when I do, and the happiest day I have in a long time.
Given that today was one of the hardest Ive had in a long time, equal if not exceeded by the trip to the city.
Very sincerely considered catching the bus, but managed to avoid it. Really didn't think I had a choice for a while though.
Almost completely withdrew today from Blondie, and others, which was hard. I didnt wanna bring them down, and just didnt see the point in talking about this when all it does is rouse concern.
Running out of methods and ideas, perhaps Ill go with Renae's idea.
Just suffer in pain and stop trying to look for perfects fixs.
At least itll make everyone else happier.
Seems whilst I often feel that catching the bus is the best for me, and is a thing I would do for me,
I thought of Blondie, and her young year 8 friend today, and realised that the little one wouldn't understand.
Something about her innocence struck a chord with me, and Ive held it to my breast for the past few hours.
I still want the pain to stop, but that is only natural.
If I can survive to Wednesday, which is near certain, then I think I have a plan to approach this meeting with Tom.
Something where we can both receive a lot of use from.
It needs to be mutually agreed, but Ive gotta do something.
Escitalopram didnt work, so I need to find an alternative anti-d.
If I can stabilise my mood, remove the bus from the table, and at least have a few good hours each day, then I can do this.
And if the CBT screws with me too much, then an agreement along the lines of not doing it until the 11th of November will have to be arranged, so Im not knocked off my perch each time.
That way I can get my head down and hard for the final few weeks of year 12, and at least do well in a few subjects, then perhaps, I shall return to REC next year, or not depending upon how well I do.
All I know, is this cannot go on, and catching the bus really isnt what I want, perhaps if Id lived longer, then yes, but not now.
I still havent loved, laid, dived, danced and lots of other things yet.
And it isnt the right order of things, I dont want my parent have to bury their child, when Im meant to bury them.
I'll Hold On Ms Pearce, Ill see you tomorrow.
No matter how hard I have to push, how many tears, or blood I have to shed, Ill be here tomorrow, and the next day as well.
I may cry, I may bleed, I may even burn, or possibly even OD, but I won't be dying by my hand this week.
As for the ones after that, well, each day as it comes. Ill post another promise next week.
For Bec, Emma, Ms Pearce, Alicia, Danielle, Hayley, Cassi, Rose, Lauren, Jill, Liam, Ms Duke, other teachers.
I love you all, and I hold on for you.
One day I will hold on for me, but right now, you'll all have to suffice.
I can see your love, and I know it exists, but right now I cant feel it. But one day I will, and it will be a blissful day when I do, and the happiest day I have in a long time.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Starting to wonder what Ill do to get out of this mess Im in.
My friend pointed out to me today that I am where she once was.
In a very bad and dangerous position.
If Im not careful, Ill be dead, and truth be told, I still wanna live,
Well part of me does anyway, and its to this part that Im singing to.
But as she said, once you have the tools to deal with it, you can fight it back better.
I need to find those tools.
She admitted to me that she thinks I need to be more active in my attack,
But even she is unsure how I do this.
If I come clean to them about everything,
Then they may have an obligation to report it.
Of course this may create more problems than its worth.
If I thought that would solve my problems, I would do this,
That is how desperate I am now.
But I think, as others agree, that it maybe the last straw.
My arms should indeed have been stitched up after the last shot.
Explains why they are killing me.
But I dont wanna be pushed.
I just need a lot of real good support, and I would appreciate it more
from the two people who are really messing with my head at the moment.
They have the knowledge, those tools, to help me.
But they need to do it in a supporting role, not an active role.
I respond better to this.
That way I can still remain in control, and keep some of my dignity.
I just dont know how we can have a mutual agreement on this.
But that, is something that I must do at the next meeting.
It is essential to my survival and my wellbeing.
I have fallen for too long.
Everyday I do nothing is a day of risk.
Im not good at maths, but I know that sooner or later, too many things will happen,
and it maybe enough for all 5 numbers to line up again.
And its been getting closer and closer.
Time to try to climb this hill.
As my friend said, she beat the depression, but lost her life.
She had an excellent future, but messed around for too long.
She wouldve been a doctor, if she had sorted it out sooner.
Instead, she was broke by it.
If I believe her on what she thinks (I have my reservations),
she thinks that I have the potential to do extraordinary things in my life, to change the medical field,
and the diving arena.
Frankly it sounds like something you'd feed to someone who is in a pickle-such as myself to give them hope.
Whilst I dont exactly believe it, I do know that if I put my mind to something, I could do some pretty good things.
Funny considering all I really desire in life is as that guy in the notebook says, to "live a life where you love someone with all your heart and they have loved you with all their heart".
To me, that would brilliant, to do more is just a benefit.
Well, either way, I need to try to get a grip on this.
Yes I am still hurting immensley from what my aunt has done,
and yes I am hurting from numerous other things,
kindly made worse by the depression.
But I need to ignore it, shut off emotionally, or compartmentalise, or something like that.
There is much work to be done.
I need to rely on those few I can trust, and assess who else can and cannot be trusted.
Do some spring cleaning and remove what doesnt need to be there and what is causing more pain than its worth.
And bring in the new and improved Dion.
The one that has seen what life truly is, the one that doesnt like what he sees, and decides he must change it.
The guy who loves everyone with all his heart, hurts when those he cares for hurt, and tries to help and be there for everyone.
This illnesss has taught me much, most of all not to judge people on face values.
I need to do this, and do it soon.
Year 12 beckons, my life beckons, and so do those who care.
Oh I truly wish it was easy as it is to type, but the reality is, this will be a shit storm for a long time.
Well, no where to go but up or down.
Down sucks, up is better,
Get on living, or get on dying.
My friend pointed out to me today that I am where she once was.
In a very bad and dangerous position.
If Im not careful, Ill be dead, and truth be told, I still wanna live,
Well part of me does anyway, and its to this part that Im singing to.
But as she said, once you have the tools to deal with it, you can fight it back better.
I need to find those tools.
She admitted to me that she thinks I need to be more active in my attack,
But even she is unsure how I do this.
If I come clean to them about everything,
Then they may have an obligation to report it.
Of course this may create more problems than its worth.
If I thought that would solve my problems, I would do this,
That is how desperate I am now.
But I think, as others agree, that it maybe the last straw.
My arms should indeed have been stitched up after the last shot.
Explains why they are killing me.
But I dont wanna be pushed.
I just need a lot of real good support, and I would appreciate it more
from the two people who are really messing with my head at the moment.
They have the knowledge, those tools, to help me.
But they need to do it in a supporting role, not an active role.
I respond better to this.
That way I can still remain in control, and keep some of my dignity.
I just dont know how we can have a mutual agreement on this.
But that, is something that I must do at the next meeting.
It is essential to my survival and my wellbeing.
I have fallen for too long.
Everyday I do nothing is a day of risk.
Im not good at maths, but I know that sooner or later, too many things will happen,
and it maybe enough for all 5 numbers to line up again.
And its been getting closer and closer.
Time to try to climb this hill.
As my friend said, she beat the depression, but lost her life.
She had an excellent future, but messed around for too long.
She wouldve been a doctor, if she had sorted it out sooner.
Instead, she was broke by it.
If I believe her on what she thinks (I have my reservations),
she thinks that I have the potential to do extraordinary things in my life, to change the medical field,
and the diving arena.
Frankly it sounds like something you'd feed to someone who is in a pickle-such as myself to give them hope.
Whilst I dont exactly believe it, I do know that if I put my mind to something, I could do some pretty good things.
Funny considering all I really desire in life is as that guy in the notebook says, to "live a life where you love someone with all your heart and they have loved you with all their heart".
To me, that would brilliant, to do more is just a benefit.
Well, either way, I need to try to get a grip on this.
Yes I am still hurting immensley from what my aunt has done,
and yes I am hurting from numerous other things,
kindly made worse by the depression.
But I need to ignore it, shut off emotionally, or compartmentalise, or something like that.
There is much work to be done.
I need to rely on those few I can trust, and assess who else can and cannot be trusted.
Do some spring cleaning and remove what doesnt need to be there and what is causing more pain than its worth.
And bring in the new and improved Dion.
The one that has seen what life truly is, the one that doesnt like what he sees, and decides he must change it.
The guy who loves everyone with all his heart, hurts when those he cares for hurt, and tries to help and be there for everyone.
This illnesss has taught me much, most of all not to judge people on face values.
I need to do this, and do it soon.
Year 12 beckons, my life beckons, and so do those who care.
Oh I truly wish it was easy as it is to type, but the reality is, this will be a shit storm for a long time.
Well, no where to go but up or down.
Down sucks, up is better,
Get on living, or get on dying.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Ok, So Im feeling sad, down and am rather sick.
So I decide to buy 560 grams of chocolate, and 2 bags of fan tales.
now, am I crazy, or really smart?
Meh, either way Im broke now.
Now, to get some company, and either watch something good like a diving clip,
do some homework, or read through the course counselling stuff, which is quite interesting
So I decide to buy 560 grams of chocolate, and 2 bags of fan tales.
now, am I crazy, or really smart?
Meh, either way Im broke now.
Now, to get some company, and either watch something good like a diving clip,
do some homework, or read through the course counselling stuff, which is quite interesting
I cannot believe how today is going.
Completely curled up in pain.
Its killing me, everythings making me hurt,
and now I have a bigger problem.
Looks like there is repercussions for past deeds.
Feel like an idiot
Everythings just so fucked up.
When will this stop?
Seems like there really is fuck all left to do.
Is there anything worth suffering like this?
How much longer do I have to suffer at the hands of this and them?
Just wanna catch the bus.
No more of this bullshit, just the bus.
Completely curled up in pain.
Its killing me, everythings making me hurt,
and now I have a bigger problem.
Looks like there is repercussions for past deeds.
Feel like an idiot
Everythings just so fucked up.
When will this stop?
Seems like there really is fuck all left to do.
Is there anything worth suffering like this?
How much longer do I have to suffer at the hands of this and them?
Just wanna catch the bus.
No more of this bullshit, just the bus.
Bad News for a Mate
Bad news for my mate,
This is getting worse and worse for her, and I am scared.
I dont know if she can hold on.
She feels she was little left to hold onto, and I dont know how to help her.
Im trying to give her hope, but she has lost it, and I cant really blame her given the situation.
I do wonder if she will be around for much longer.
Whilst seeming hypocritical, I dont want her to catch the bus, and leave me here at the bus stop,
I still dont know if Im going to catch the bus or go just home.
Shiny happy people would consider it ridiculous, but I dont.
I feel understand.
And if the situation was reversed, I may have caught the bus myself.
Society has its values the wrong way round, and it really needs to arrange it priorities better.
Well, if this continues down the path it is, it is clear to me that I shall no longer be in contact with my friend.
She will have gone where few willingly go, but where I too have tried to go, and where perhaps I too will go soon. I know not now.
Either way, I hope whatever she does brings her peace. If here is peace, that is splendid, and if it is in the promising blackness, then that too is understandable and good.
As long as she is happy, I know that I too can be happy for her.
Given the opportunity, yes perhaps I would intervene, or perhaps not.
It is not like a teenager doing this, it is someone who is in a position where physically, they will never do as they once did.
No, I would just stay with her. I just dont want her to leave alone, feeling lonely.
If it comes to it, that is what I would do.
As for laws, lock me up, but look at the mess Id be in, and could you do it to someone in such pain? perhaps, i know not., but perhaps I will soon.
She has felt alone for far too long, the medical system has missed countless things, and have taken there time in discovering things. 2 years even!
No, if I am asked, you will not go alone, provided it is a choice that you make, and it does not require me to do anything but be with you.
For people should be allowed to go with a face of love.
I will be that face for her if called upon.
For surely that should be a right. To die by someone who cares, even if they dont know you.
To radiate love to the suffering, and for them to know, that they are loved.
Well, those are my views, I pray that they are not put to the test, but I fear they may. But at the same time, I would prefer they be tested than for someone to have an agonising existence for all the wrong reasons. Existing for others has its limitations and this approaches such one.
Regardless of this, I care for you deeply friend.
I love you dear, whether I can visit you or not.
Dive True, Dive Deep, and Dive Long.
You are, and always will be, my fellow diver in arms,
Plunging fearlessly into the deep, to visit old friends, and new ones.
This is getting worse and worse for her, and I am scared.
I dont know if she can hold on.
She feels she was little left to hold onto, and I dont know how to help her.
Im trying to give her hope, but she has lost it, and I cant really blame her given the situation.
I do wonder if she will be around for much longer.
Whilst seeming hypocritical, I dont want her to catch the bus, and leave me here at the bus stop,
I still dont know if Im going to catch the bus or go just home.
Shiny happy people would consider it ridiculous, but I dont.
I feel understand.
And if the situation was reversed, I may have caught the bus myself.
Society has its values the wrong way round, and it really needs to arrange it priorities better.
Well, if this continues down the path it is, it is clear to me that I shall no longer be in contact with my friend.
She will have gone where few willingly go, but where I too have tried to go, and where perhaps I too will go soon. I know not now.
Either way, I hope whatever she does brings her peace. If here is peace, that is splendid, and if it is in the promising blackness, then that too is understandable and good.
As long as she is happy, I know that I too can be happy for her.
Given the opportunity, yes perhaps I would intervene, or perhaps not.
It is not like a teenager doing this, it is someone who is in a position where physically, they will never do as they once did.
No, I would just stay with her. I just dont want her to leave alone, feeling lonely.
If it comes to it, that is what I would do.
As for laws, lock me up, but look at the mess Id be in, and could you do it to someone in such pain? perhaps, i know not., but perhaps I will soon.
She has felt alone for far too long, the medical system has missed countless things, and have taken there time in discovering things. 2 years even!
No, if I am asked, you will not go alone, provided it is a choice that you make, and it does not require me to do anything but be with you.
For people should be allowed to go with a face of love.
I will be that face for her if called upon.
For surely that should be a right. To die by someone who cares, even if they dont know you.
To radiate love to the suffering, and for them to know, that they are loved.
Well, those are my views, I pray that they are not put to the test, but I fear they may. But at the same time, I would prefer they be tested than for someone to have an agonising existence for all the wrong reasons. Existing for others has its limitations and this approaches such one.
Regardless of this, I care for you deeply friend.
I love you dear, whether I can visit you or not.
Dive True, Dive Deep, and Dive Long.
You are, and always will be, my fellow diver in arms,
Plunging fearlessly into the deep, to visit old friends, and new ones.
Sharon Dredge
Seems little was achieved today with my meeting I decided upon.
So unless she instigates further contact that I agree with, it looks like this is sadly it.
I truly wish that things didnt turn out the way they have, yet I feel that it is my fault,
even though it is not me who did such things, who caused such pain to me.
Perhaps I went to far, and provided too much trust, too much power,
and she got too comfortable with the power.
It leaves me wondering if she ever really did truly care for me, as I did and still do for her.
Alas it is a sad time. I feel that whilst she did what she did, I am to blame, and I dont really
understand why it is my fault, but I feel it is.
She may never know what she has done to me, caused to occur, and what repercussions will occur from this.
But then again, for her conscience, perhaps it is better.
At least it is me who hurts, no someone else, perhaps I deserve this pain.
For such a thing to have occurred, its repercussions still I feel.
My trust is completely shattered, how am I expected to trust, when it continues to be broken,
it is a double edged sword. For if I trust, I risk it being broken and for its consequences.
If I do not, people may be concerned, and people may not longer trust me. Not trusting pains me greatly.
All I truly want is to know is that I can rely and trust someone completely.
Now I even suspect those who have been here since the beginning.
My friends who have never wronged me, are now being questioned, almost interrogated, to see if they give the slightest hint that they be untrustworthy. They dont deserve that, but that is what happens when someone who you trust with the truths about yourself, information that can destroy you completely, even cause your being to no longer exist, is found to not only have betrayed you, but to have looked you in the eye, and lied straight to your face on multiple occassions.
Yes, Sharon Dredge, a family member, an aunty, you have caused me great pain over your foolishness. And if your reading this, I hope you realise some of what damage has been done. Your facebook statuses indicate that you care not for what you've done, even rubbing salt into my wounds, which I might add was a foolish thing for anyone to do. In fact, if they are to be believed, your conscience is clean. Well Mrs Dredge, is it really?
There was any number of alternatives to have dealt with such a matter, for starters not lying. I have always said that such relationships must be a foundation of trust, well this one was a foundation of lies. Does this mean that everything you said meant nothing? Did you ever care and love me?
Do you care for me now? Or is it merely, as your facebook statuses suggest, that you have decided I am a hopeless case, and that you have done all you could and that now your conscience can be clean if anything should ever happen to me?
Everything you said and have done, is now questioned.
You were within my inner circle of trust. Perhaps only one or two others were closer, and only because my gut feeling was that something was not right.
I hate gut feelings, never more have I wished I was wrong, that my suspicions were false.
But they were proven true, and there is nothing for it now.
I still care deeply for you, perhaps thats what hurts me most. That I do not hate you, but am merely pained in a way I did not think was possible, this is a new level of agony, one of the deepest areas of the brain.
Can you truly not see my point of view?
Is it truly just one sided?
If you see it as such, than a fool you are indeed,
in your years, age has not brought you wisdom, it has clouded your judgement. If my short time on Earth taught me, is to not judge anyone until you know everything about them, and that there are more than 1 side to every story, countless ways to perceive a situation, reality itself.
I always stop and examine every point of view, and reason with it. I try to imagine why they did what they did, and how I may have performed in that situation to improve it. Its called cross examination. Its excellent, but can be torturous at times. This is how I forgave you after the last act of betrayal. Because if the rolls were reversed, I wouldve acted in a similar way. I wouldve been more careful at my approach, you did it aggressively which couldve ended in sadness, but it didnt.
So are you a fool Sharon Dredge?
Have you not tried to understand this, what your actions may have caused?
Or do you truly not give a fuck?
Cos at the moment, it seems that you couldnt care less.
That youd be happy to leave me to the cold, when I need people now most.
Are you, in the worst of the storm, the worst moments of life, the hardest times of my short life,
about to depart and leave me to deal with it if I can.
Let others deal with me?
For at the moment, I feel you, Tom and shrinkman are working against me, all so closed minded.
I feel I cant discuss things with you all, when after all your all meant to be only here in a 'supportive role'.
Instead, it is all threats, if you dont do what we say.
Well if thats the sake, you can suck on a cold one.
Im sick of looking over my shoulder, of being scared everyday, cos I might just feel a little better, only for someone to tell me that now I have to do something or else.
Do you know what shit that is?
Whenever I start getting on track, someone knocks me down, and yet Im expected to establish a healthy relationship and tell all?
That is fuckin impossible with this sort of bloody environment. Tom and Ken have little fuckin idea about this all, and whenever I try to say something, Im fuckin threatened or its used against me.
You wanna support, support, but dont control!
I was orginially told that I was in control, that is the biggest load of fuckin bullshit in the world.
The only one who has strived to give me control, who has stuck by me when all of you have been fuckin with my head is Ms. Pearce. A lifesaver by any other name. She's not only put up with my shit, but reduced my stress load, and been there when everyone else couldnt give a rats toss bag. You and the two twits dont get to see what everyone else does. Your the lucky ones.
Ms Pearce, my friends Blondie, Em, Alicia, Danielle, Lauren, etc, they arent so lucky. Theyve seen me when Im bad, theyve seen my head on the desk trying to hide from myself, trying to block out the pain.
Seen me with razors in my hand, blood on my skin, and tears in my eyes. Seen me dissolve into tears for hours on end, and seen my ups and downs. And never have they once turned away from me. They have tried to stem it all.
They have seen the days after meetings with twits who threaten, the pain and the replay of events.
The lack of sleep, the non eating for days, the lost look.
You rarely see it. Your lucky.
Then what about me, who has to put up with it 24/7?
You hear of it, you dont experience it.
The only one person who perhaps deserves the pain is me. But why I dont know.
So stop making fuckin decisions about things you dont know the full thing about.
You wanna get an idea about life in one of my angels shoes with me?
Then you can judge, then you can decide.
Yet ironically, Ms Pearce, knows more than most bar one, blondie.
Yet they have both kept quiet, have stood by me, given a shoulder to cry and a helping hand when i could not stand.
Sharon Dredge, you have hurt me so much, I smiled at you today, I try to keep you comfortable.
If I was ballsy, Id tell it like it is, tell you how youve hurt me, in a calm manner. But I dont want to hurt you, for I too will pay if you hurt for it.
You couldve acted in many ways, and did not have to lie.
You have created many more problems now, and my trust lay in tatters.
If you really do care for me, then you will tell me that.
And we will talk, and try to understand each other, but I dont know whether things will ever be the same.
I gave you a piece of me that I wish I didnt now, and you betrayed it in the worst ways possible, for no real clear reason, except for the fact that you thought you were doing good. For this you are an incredible fool.
I am not normally a spiteful person, but if you do read this, I fuckin hope it hurts you a little. Cos the tears, the lack of sleep, food, sickness, and study. That is how I paid, in emotional agony, physical pain, and other pains.
If it is possible to comprehend such pain I know not.
All I know, is that I have had people I care for die on me, and that didnt hurt as much. This is a different kettle of fish altogether. For when someone dies, it is over, the pain can get no greater, it is the cataclysmic pain and will fade with time
This pain, it is still growing, and it changes in intensity rapidly.
I dont know if this may have fucked my trust up forever, but I do know it has damaged it severely. If it were an injury, it would be classed as critical, approaching life-threatening.
Trust, is what is most needed for someone in my position. After all, if all lights go out on a dark lonely night, it is trust, that will cause me to call someone for assistance. To say, you know what, Im having a fuck of a day, and I dont know if I wanna face another. Trust that enables you to say, I trust this person enough to do what needs to be done.
Of all people, it was you, who was most likely to be called. Sharon Dredge, I would call you if I was in trouble. But now, what now? You just severed that and I dont know if it can be fixed. You made a foolish move more than once, the hospital trip itself was foolish, and I can tell you why. And this move, was plain fuckin idiotic. So who the fuck do I call when Im trouble?
Im sorry, Im not like everyone else who calls a crisis line, its not my thing. I require a connection with someone, to make that call. To know that person gives a shit about me. I felt that with you, you had and still do, have a way of making me feel cared for, something my mother was incapable of doing.
So what the fuck happens now? Huh, do I trust you, only to be informed upon again?
What the fuck happens it hurts too much, when all lights go out except one. That the darkness beckons so warmly and nicely, that offers an answer that fixes all my problems. That promises no more pain, no more sadness, no more tears, blood, betrayal, and promises this. That provides the ultimate answer?
The real answer lies with me, cos now, I am almost alone in this world.
I maybe fucked!
But that is up to me, but when my judgement is clouded, at least I know that you didnt give a fuck! That you obviously was more concerned about your own conscience, and covering your ass.
Perhaps you forgot about the times youve spoke with me on FB, wondering how bad I truly was.
Perhaps you forgot about the day you were so goddam worried about me, you broke my trust cos you cared and I nearly ended up on a 72 hour in the womens and childrens hospital?
No, well I havent, its fuckin replayed everyday.
So do you care Sharon?
Do you give a shit?
Do you still wish to know me?
Or have you let when the going gets tough?
If so, theres a fuckin door, take it and never look back, delete me from your FB contacts and pretend I dont exist,
Otherwise speak to me apologise, as I will of course, and lets clean this up. But dont expect it to come quick, and dont expect it to be an easy ride.
In the space of 1 hour, the greatest things I had were damaged, it will take much longer than 1 hour to fix them up.
Pain, is a way of life, if youve it to the end, you will probably be hurting, for this, I truly am sincerely sorry.
You mean a lot to me, and always will.
But spare a thought as to my pain as well. I dont pretend yours doesnt exist, I acknowledge that this is difficult on us all, but trust is the foundations of any relationship, take it away, and you have brickdust. Add trust, and you have a skyscraper
So unless she instigates further contact that I agree with, it looks like this is sadly it.
I truly wish that things didnt turn out the way they have, yet I feel that it is my fault,
even though it is not me who did such things, who caused such pain to me.
Perhaps I went to far, and provided too much trust, too much power,
and she got too comfortable with the power.
It leaves me wondering if she ever really did truly care for me, as I did and still do for her.
Alas it is a sad time. I feel that whilst she did what she did, I am to blame, and I dont really
understand why it is my fault, but I feel it is.
She may never know what she has done to me, caused to occur, and what repercussions will occur from this.
But then again, for her conscience, perhaps it is better.
At least it is me who hurts, no someone else, perhaps I deserve this pain.
For such a thing to have occurred, its repercussions still I feel.
My trust is completely shattered, how am I expected to trust, when it continues to be broken,
it is a double edged sword. For if I trust, I risk it being broken and for its consequences.
If I do not, people may be concerned, and people may not longer trust me. Not trusting pains me greatly.
All I truly want is to know is that I can rely and trust someone completely.
Now I even suspect those who have been here since the beginning.
My friends who have never wronged me, are now being questioned, almost interrogated, to see if they give the slightest hint that they be untrustworthy. They dont deserve that, but that is what happens when someone who you trust with the truths about yourself, information that can destroy you completely, even cause your being to no longer exist, is found to not only have betrayed you, but to have looked you in the eye, and lied straight to your face on multiple occassions.
Yes, Sharon Dredge, a family member, an aunty, you have caused me great pain over your foolishness. And if your reading this, I hope you realise some of what damage has been done. Your facebook statuses indicate that you care not for what you've done, even rubbing salt into my wounds, which I might add was a foolish thing for anyone to do. In fact, if they are to be believed, your conscience is clean. Well Mrs Dredge, is it really?
There was any number of alternatives to have dealt with such a matter, for starters not lying. I have always said that such relationships must be a foundation of trust, well this one was a foundation of lies. Does this mean that everything you said meant nothing? Did you ever care and love me?
Do you care for me now? Or is it merely, as your facebook statuses suggest, that you have decided I am a hopeless case, and that you have done all you could and that now your conscience can be clean if anything should ever happen to me?
Everything you said and have done, is now questioned.
You were within my inner circle of trust. Perhaps only one or two others were closer, and only because my gut feeling was that something was not right.
I hate gut feelings, never more have I wished I was wrong, that my suspicions were false.
But they were proven true, and there is nothing for it now.
I still care deeply for you, perhaps thats what hurts me most. That I do not hate you, but am merely pained in a way I did not think was possible, this is a new level of agony, one of the deepest areas of the brain.
Can you truly not see my point of view?
Is it truly just one sided?
If you see it as such, than a fool you are indeed,
in your years, age has not brought you wisdom, it has clouded your judgement. If my short time on Earth taught me, is to not judge anyone until you know everything about them, and that there are more than 1 side to every story, countless ways to perceive a situation, reality itself.
I always stop and examine every point of view, and reason with it. I try to imagine why they did what they did, and how I may have performed in that situation to improve it. Its called cross examination. Its excellent, but can be torturous at times. This is how I forgave you after the last act of betrayal. Because if the rolls were reversed, I wouldve acted in a similar way. I wouldve been more careful at my approach, you did it aggressively which couldve ended in sadness, but it didnt.
So are you a fool Sharon Dredge?
Have you not tried to understand this, what your actions may have caused?
Or do you truly not give a fuck?
Cos at the moment, it seems that you couldnt care less.
That youd be happy to leave me to the cold, when I need people now most.
Are you, in the worst of the storm, the worst moments of life, the hardest times of my short life,
about to depart and leave me to deal with it if I can.
Let others deal with me?
For at the moment, I feel you, Tom and shrinkman are working against me, all so closed minded.
I feel I cant discuss things with you all, when after all your all meant to be only here in a 'supportive role'.
Instead, it is all threats, if you dont do what we say.
Well if thats the sake, you can suck on a cold one.
Im sick of looking over my shoulder, of being scared everyday, cos I might just feel a little better, only for someone to tell me that now I have to do something or else.
Do you know what shit that is?
Whenever I start getting on track, someone knocks me down, and yet Im expected to establish a healthy relationship and tell all?
That is fuckin impossible with this sort of bloody environment. Tom and Ken have little fuckin idea about this all, and whenever I try to say something, Im fuckin threatened or its used against me.
You wanna support, support, but dont control!
I was orginially told that I was in control, that is the biggest load of fuckin bullshit in the world.
The only one who has strived to give me control, who has stuck by me when all of you have been fuckin with my head is Ms. Pearce. A lifesaver by any other name. She's not only put up with my shit, but reduced my stress load, and been there when everyone else couldnt give a rats toss bag. You and the two twits dont get to see what everyone else does. Your the lucky ones.
Ms Pearce, my friends Blondie, Em, Alicia, Danielle, Lauren, etc, they arent so lucky. Theyve seen me when Im bad, theyve seen my head on the desk trying to hide from myself, trying to block out the pain.
Seen me with razors in my hand, blood on my skin, and tears in my eyes. Seen me dissolve into tears for hours on end, and seen my ups and downs. And never have they once turned away from me. They have tried to stem it all.
They have seen the days after meetings with twits who threaten, the pain and the replay of events.
The lack of sleep, the non eating for days, the lost look.
You rarely see it. Your lucky.
Then what about me, who has to put up with it 24/7?
You hear of it, you dont experience it.
The only one person who perhaps deserves the pain is me. But why I dont know.
So stop making fuckin decisions about things you dont know the full thing about.
You wanna get an idea about life in one of my angels shoes with me?
Then you can judge, then you can decide.
Yet ironically, Ms Pearce, knows more than most bar one, blondie.
Yet they have both kept quiet, have stood by me, given a shoulder to cry and a helping hand when i could not stand.
Sharon Dredge, you have hurt me so much, I smiled at you today, I try to keep you comfortable.
If I was ballsy, Id tell it like it is, tell you how youve hurt me, in a calm manner. But I dont want to hurt you, for I too will pay if you hurt for it.
You couldve acted in many ways, and did not have to lie.
You have created many more problems now, and my trust lay in tatters.
If you really do care for me, then you will tell me that.
And we will talk, and try to understand each other, but I dont know whether things will ever be the same.
I gave you a piece of me that I wish I didnt now, and you betrayed it in the worst ways possible, for no real clear reason, except for the fact that you thought you were doing good. For this you are an incredible fool.
I am not normally a spiteful person, but if you do read this, I fuckin hope it hurts you a little. Cos the tears, the lack of sleep, food, sickness, and study. That is how I paid, in emotional agony, physical pain, and other pains.
If it is possible to comprehend such pain I know not.
All I know, is that I have had people I care for die on me, and that didnt hurt as much. This is a different kettle of fish altogether. For when someone dies, it is over, the pain can get no greater, it is the cataclysmic pain and will fade with time
This pain, it is still growing, and it changes in intensity rapidly.
I dont know if this may have fucked my trust up forever, but I do know it has damaged it severely. If it were an injury, it would be classed as critical, approaching life-threatening.
Trust, is what is most needed for someone in my position. After all, if all lights go out on a dark lonely night, it is trust, that will cause me to call someone for assistance. To say, you know what, Im having a fuck of a day, and I dont know if I wanna face another. Trust that enables you to say, I trust this person enough to do what needs to be done.
Of all people, it was you, who was most likely to be called. Sharon Dredge, I would call you if I was in trouble. But now, what now? You just severed that and I dont know if it can be fixed. You made a foolish move more than once, the hospital trip itself was foolish, and I can tell you why. And this move, was plain fuckin idiotic. So who the fuck do I call when Im trouble?
Im sorry, Im not like everyone else who calls a crisis line, its not my thing. I require a connection with someone, to make that call. To know that person gives a shit about me. I felt that with you, you had and still do, have a way of making me feel cared for, something my mother was incapable of doing.
So what the fuck happens now? Huh, do I trust you, only to be informed upon again?
What the fuck happens it hurts too much, when all lights go out except one. That the darkness beckons so warmly and nicely, that offers an answer that fixes all my problems. That promises no more pain, no more sadness, no more tears, blood, betrayal, and promises this. That provides the ultimate answer?
The real answer lies with me, cos now, I am almost alone in this world.
I maybe fucked!
But that is up to me, but when my judgement is clouded, at least I know that you didnt give a fuck! That you obviously was more concerned about your own conscience, and covering your ass.
Perhaps you forgot about the times youve spoke with me on FB, wondering how bad I truly was.
Perhaps you forgot about the day you were so goddam worried about me, you broke my trust cos you cared and I nearly ended up on a 72 hour in the womens and childrens hospital?
No, well I havent, its fuckin replayed everyday.
So do you care Sharon?
Do you give a shit?
Do you still wish to know me?
Or have you let when the going gets tough?
If so, theres a fuckin door, take it and never look back, delete me from your FB contacts and pretend I dont exist,
Otherwise speak to me apologise, as I will of course, and lets clean this up. But dont expect it to come quick, and dont expect it to be an easy ride.
In the space of 1 hour, the greatest things I had were damaged, it will take much longer than 1 hour to fix them up.
Pain, is a way of life, if youve it to the end, you will probably be hurting, for this, I truly am sincerely sorry.
You mean a lot to me, and always will.
But spare a thought as to my pain as well. I dont pretend yours doesnt exist, I acknowledge that this is difficult on us all, but trust is the foundations of any relationship, take it away, and you have brickdust. Add trust, and you have a skyscraper
Friday, August 5, 2011
The Limitations of Language in Emotive Expression
Sometimes there are few things we can say really, thats all language is, an attempt to explain things. Emotions perhaps are never really done much justice. How does one really explain and show someone how we truly feel using language? It is near impossible.
For example, someone may have any varying degrees of happiness.
Another prime example is the emotion depressed. The child who was beaten in school today may come home and say he feels depressed. Meanwhile, the man who puts a double barrel shotgun into his mouth and pulled the trigger, making a puree of his brain may have said the exact same thing moments before pulling the trigger.
So language really cant truly hope to fully emphasise emotions, perhaps it can to closer degrees now with the larger vocabulary in each language, but it is all merely subjective and often changes from day to day. One person can explain the exact same emotion and feeling completely different, therefore complicating the matter even further. And unless there is a standardisation of emotional expressive language, which with my own admission is foolish and reduces the people's rights to creative expression and freedom, then emotions can not really be done justice. I guess perhaps non verbal language is more useful, though that too can be controlled by anyone who is skillfull at reading body language and manipulating it, a fascinating area in itself. I guess a combination is equally useful and we all pick up non verbal ques. It all comes down to purpose, reasoning and aims of the emotive expression. Since individual susceptability to different emotive responses varies as the weather does, this itself provides another issue. Someone may react deeply grieved one day and the following day, the same event or trigger may trigger a defensive, aggressive response.
But such is the limitations of verbal and non-verbal language. Where deception is common, misinterpretation a distinct possibility, and individual variability, a factor to contend with.
For example, someone may have any varying degrees of happiness.
Another prime example is the emotion depressed. The child who was beaten in school today may come home and say he feels depressed. Meanwhile, the man who puts a double barrel shotgun into his mouth and pulled the trigger, making a puree of his brain may have said the exact same thing moments before pulling the trigger.
So language really cant truly hope to fully emphasise emotions, perhaps it can to closer degrees now with the larger vocabulary in each language, but it is all merely subjective and often changes from day to day. One person can explain the exact same emotion and feeling completely different, therefore complicating the matter even further. And unless there is a standardisation of emotional expressive language, which with my own admission is foolish and reduces the people's rights to creative expression and freedom, then emotions can not really be done justice. I guess perhaps non verbal language is more useful, though that too can be controlled by anyone who is skillfull at reading body language and manipulating it, a fascinating area in itself. I guess a combination is equally useful and we all pick up non verbal ques. It all comes down to purpose, reasoning and aims of the emotive expression. Since individual susceptability to different emotive responses varies as the weather does, this itself provides another issue. Someone may react deeply grieved one day and the following day, the same event or trigger may trigger a defensive, aggressive response.
But such is the limitations of verbal and non-verbal language. Where deception is common, misinterpretation a distinct possibility, and individual variability, a factor to contend with.
Trust and Betrayal
You see that girl, yeah her.
She seems so invincible right.
but just touch her & she'll flinch.
She has secrets & she trusts no one.
she's the perfect example of betrayal.
cause everyone she trusted, broke her!
People ask me why it's so hard to trust people,
and I ask them why is it so hard to keep a promise
Love all, trust a few.
- William Shakespeare
Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain.
J. K. Rowling
Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare
Trust is giving someone information, power over you that is enough to damage or destroy you, but relying on them not to do so.
- Dion Anderson
She seems so invincible right.
but just touch her & she'll flinch.
She has secrets & she trusts no one.
she's the perfect example of betrayal.
cause everyone she trusted, broke her!
People ask me why it's so hard to trust people,
and I ask them why is it so hard to keep a promise
Love all, trust a few.
- William Shakespeare
Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain.
J. K. Rowling
Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare
Trust is giving someone information, power over you that is enough to damage or destroy you, but relying on them not to do so.
- Dion Anderson
Monday, August 1, 2011
A Rock and a Hard Place
A Rock and a Hard Place
The rock.
The hard place.
Both alike in countless ways,
But with a potential to be different,
In more ways than those alike.
An expression,
A method of freedom.
To attempt to express through language,
What language should not,
And what words cannot appreciate.
To be between a rock and a hard place.
An expression of entrapment.
Indicating no correct answer.
Talking of two choices,
Both undesirable,
But one is to be chosen,
Above the other choice.
So begs the question,
Which does one feel be better?
Be there correct an answer?
Yet it be both simple and complex,
For it is yes and no.
But what about the problems,
Of such a situation?
Many react overly,
Like a jerk of the knee.
Making such things worse,
Or creating a different field.
Whatever it be,
It matter little.
For few enjoy that feeling,
Of being between a rock,
And a very hard place.
A Dying Man
A Dying Man
I am a dying man,
For I be dying fast.
Just us as all us being,
With every breath we take.
Yet here I stand here dying,
Everyday brings it closer.
The pain it changes me,
More determined to end my life.
The dying man be living,
But not for long at all.
And neither do I,
Have much time,
For plans be almost complete.
Then to complete the execution,
Of myself it be.
A dying man,
Does come to terms,
With his harsh cruel fate.
As have I,
And as should you,
So leave me be,
Meddle not in my affairs.
No intervention,
No waking up,
No humiliation within infirmaries.
Sensory Deprivation
Sensory Deprivation
I feel it all,
And none at all.
I see it all,
Yet see nothing.
I hear it all,
Yet little is ever heard.
The smell, I it all,
Yet smell nothing at all.
Like in a glass cage,
Of selective sensory deprivation.
To see the good things,
But feel only the bad.
To be ready to end it all,
Yet to fail at every attempt.
Sensory deprivation,
A cruel and dark beast,
One I cannot stop,
Unless I end it all.
Physical and Mental
Physical and Mental
I have a lust for blood,
That is all of my own.
For pain that hurts,
Just so much,
It blocks the mental out.
For blisters,
Big and bubbly,
That leave a lasting mark.
For cuts,
That will forever,
Leave a lasting scar.
For physical,
Be so much better,
Than the mental pain.
For at least I can do see it,
With the psychological,
I cannot.
A visual comprehension,
That is what is physical.
A pain that is unseeable,
Psychological remains forever.
This is why I mark myself,
With scars and other things.
Using a razor,
A lighter,
Or anything nearby.
I try to cheat the mental,
Turn it into a physical form.
Or if all fails,
Just hurt so much I block the mental out.
So using physical pain,
I try to silence,
All the mental anguish.
And yet it rarely works,
But still I do it regardless.
I sit,
I cut,
I squeal,
I squirm,
Pulling that razor down.
The blood that then does follow,
Makes it all worth my while.
For at least with the blood,
It shows all that I’m hurting,
For far too often,
It never shows,
That I am really dying.
So what be the better,
Of the two pains.
Physical or mental?
Some would say that mental,
Must be the better one.
But I say neigh,
It is but physical,
That be the better beast.
For at least it is better understood,
And often more apparent.
For with test and drugs,
Physical can be found.
But mental be not that easy,
Or so it is we have found.
But whether one is better,
No one can truly say.
Yet all I know is that I am bleeding,
On the inside and the outside,
So physical and mental are equal and one.
Bored
Bored
I be bored,
Not of the sun, warmth or people,
Nor of pain, sadness or hurt.
But of all of this and more,
Of life itself and nothing else.
How is it to be bored of life,
Many indeed would ask?
Yet I ask the same question,
Every waking moment.
But still the answer does evade,
Yet I know I speak the truth.
I am bored,
Nothing more and nothing less.
With little less to do,
Sleep seems a good option.
When I have finally lost all interest,
I shall challenge the last unconquered frontier,
That being the unknown of death.
The Battle for control of Dion's mind
Ok, it may sound weird, creepy or strange, but I can actually see the two major factions of my mind going to war right now.
Some background information first.
I have suspected for a while that my mind is divided into various thought processes. Almost like a separate personality, but not in the extreme sense of the phrase.
Well, today I finally have the proof.
After a conversation with Ms Pearce where I said much more than I wanted, I quickly fell out of the sky, and 10 minutes later, I had a pair of scissors in my hand in biology, and was honestly considering plunging them into my chest. I very nearly did. Instead, I decided I would wait until I got home and then I would slash myself and hopefully meet a timely demise. Hence, reducing mess and trauma at school. I acknowledged that I was feeling very bad, and noticed I was counting down to my date later today.
Instead, my mood flipped in a very short time.
It actually felt different, and I noticed that whilst suicide still seemed half decent, I no longer felt I didn't have a choice, but felt that whilst my circumstances were not pleasant, I wanted to go to sleep, and death wasn't sleep.
Don't get me wrong, suicide and death even now still seem rather sweet, but my whole view on things was different. I was open to talking and to suggestions and was less negative and sensitive.
Hell, I was even certain that I had to tell all to Tom and the Shrink later this week. Now that is a massive change.
Clearly this was not just a mood change, but a part of my cognition that was rational.
Perhaps we all have a rational and irrational side of our cognition and thinking and that when we are healthy, the rational side tends to dominate.
But when we become unwell, in which the psyche is affected, the irrational side perhaps tend to dominate.
Whilst in myself, I think that may fit, I don't like that hypothesis, mainly because it indicates that in unwell people, ok-such as myself, intervention is almost certainly warranted, even when that person chooses to refuse it.
Perhaps that is why the Mental Health Act of 2009 is written as it is. Yes, I have read it all, and tend to think there are a number of flaws, and that it tends to increase stigmatisation of psychological illnesses. I might add, whilst parts are interesting for someone of my position, especially so I know my rights and what I have to hold my tongue on, much of it is a political bunch of crap that smell suspiciously of a someone who either is rather cold and is a medical doctor, or someone who is being directed by a doctor, but has written it themselves.
Well, thats how I see it anyway, and think that it parts, there is a high chance of the act being abused and thus it being utilised when it should not.
Meh, anyway, I can feel my two sides battling out right now in a battle to win.
I wonder if it will be stalemated or if one will arise triumphant. The negative, irrational side has been winning way too much, and the more it wins, the weaker I feel, and the stronger the chance that the war is lost.
Well, just a load of bullshit Ive waffled on about anyway, but my thoughts and observations anyway.
Can really feel my punishments from talking to the teacher today, absolutely killing me.
Haha, the joy of a few minutes enjoyment.
Blood, gallons of the stuff!
Some background information first.
I have suspected for a while that my mind is divided into various thought processes. Almost like a separate personality, but not in the extreme sense of the phrase.
Well, today I finally have the proof.
After a conversation with Ms Pearce where I said much more than I wanted, I quickly fell out of the sky, and 10 minutes later, I had a pair of scissors in my hand in biology, and was honestly considering plunging them into my chest. I very nearly did. Instead, I decided I would wait until I got home and then I would slash myself and hopefully meet a timely demise. Hence, reducing mess and trauma at school. I acknowledged that I was feeling very bad, and noticed I was counting down to my date later today.
Instead, my mood flipped in a very short time.
It actually felt different, and I noticed that whilst suicide still seemed half decent, I no longer felt I didn't have a choice, but felt that whilst my circumstances were not pleasant, I wanted to go to sleep, and death wasn't sleep.
Don't get me wrong, suicide and death even now still seem rather sweet, but my whole view on things was different. I was open to talking and to suggestions and was less negative and sensitive.
Hell, I was even certain that I had to tell all to Tom and the Shrink later this week. Now that is a massive change.
Clearly this was not just a mood change, but a part of my cognition that was rational.
Perhaps we all have a rational and irrational side of our cognition and thinking and that when we are healthy, the rational side tends to dominate.
But when we become unwell, in which the psyche is affected, the irrational side perhaps tend to dominate.
Whilst in myself, I think that may fit, I don't like that hypothesis, mainly because it indicates that in unwell people, ok-such as myself, intervention is almost certainly warranted, even when that person chooses to refuse it.
Perhaps that is why the Mental Health Act of 2009 is written as it is. Yes, I have read it all, and tend to think there are a number of flaws, and that it tends to increase stigmatisation of psychological illnesses. I might add, whilst parts are interesting for someone of my position, especially so I know my rights and what I have to hold my tongue on, much of it is a political bunch of crap that smell suspiciously of a someone who either is rather cold and is a medical doctor, or someone who is being directed by a doctor, but has written it themselves.
Well, thats how I see it anyway, and think that it parts, there is a high chance of the act being abused and thus it being utilised when it should not.
Meh, anyway, I can feel my two sides battling out right now in a battle to win.
I wonder if it will be stalemated or if one will arise triumphant. The negative, irrational side has been winning way too much, and the more it wins, the weaker I feel, and the stronger the chance that the war is lost.
Well, just a load of bullshit Ive waffled on about anyway, but my thoughts and observations anyway.
Can really feel my punishments from talking to the teacher today, absolutely killing me.
Haha, the joy of a few minutes enjoyment.
Blood, gallons of the stuff!
Better Doctor, Better Patient
Just some observations I've made on myself and a shrink.
Problems of the Shrink
Problems of the Patient
Problems of the Shrink
- Treating patients like an idiot or that they are unlikely to verify said information.
- Threaten patient with undesirable or feared situations, especially when the state of their health is unknown.
- Provide false information to patient and by doing so, violating their medical rights.
- Creating an environment where there is a fear of the doctor if agreement is not reached.
Problems of the Patient
- Resisting help and logical and sound advice from professionals.
- Worsening said situations by withdrawing and keeping secrecy.
- Refusing to partake in activities that may improve situation.
- Acting against their own logic.
- Not acting when presented with dangerous situations due to a fear of temporary uncomfortable circumstances which may result in a more desirable outcome.
- Withdrawing from friends, family and others who care.
- Not actively seeking to improve situation, often worsening it.
- Creating fear and unrest amongst those around them
- Complaining about situation and not acting.
- Being riveted by fear to act constructively.
- Actively destroying the physical body.
- Inactively destroying the psyche.
Merely some observations
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