Sharon Dredge

Seems little was achieved today with my meeting I decided upon.
So unless she instigates further contact that I agree with, it looks like this is sadly it.
I truly wish that things didnt turn out the way they have, yet I feel that it is my fault,
even though it is not me who did such things, who caused such pain to me.
Perhaps I went to far, and provided too much trust, too much power,
and she got too comfortable with the power.
It leaves me wondering if she ever really did truly care for me, as I did and still do for her.
Alas it is a sad time. I feel that whilst she did what she did, I am to blame, and I dont really
understand why it is my fault, but I feel it is.
She may never know what she has done to me, caused to occur, and what repercussions will occur from this.
But then again, for her conscience, perhaps it is better.
At least it is me who hurts, no someone else, perhaps I deserve this pain.
For such a thing to have occurred, its repercussions still I feel.
My trust is completely shattered, how am I expected to trust, when it continues to be broken,
it is a double edged sword. For if I trust, I risk it being broken and for its consequences.
If I do not, people may be concerned, and people may not longer trust me. Not trusting pains me greatly.
All I truly want is to know is that I can rely and trust someone completely.
Now I even suspect those who have been here since the beginning.
My friends who have never wronged me, are now being questioned, almost interrogated, to see if they give the slightest hint that they be untrustworthy. They dont deserve that, but that is what happens when someone who you trust with the truths about yourself, information that can destroy you completely, even cause your being to no longer exist, is found to not only have betrayed you, but to have looked you in the eye, and lied straight to your face on multiple occassions.
Yes, Sharon Dredge, a family member, an aunty, you have caused me great pain over your foolishness. And if your reading this, I hope you realise some of what damage has been done. Your facebook statuses indicate that you care not for what you've done, even rubbing salt into my wounds, which I might add was a foolish thing for anyone to do. In fact, if they are to be believed, your conscience is clean. Well Mrs Dredge, is it really?
There was any number of alternatives to have dealt with such a matter, for starters not lying. I have always said that such relationships must be a foundation of trust, well this one was a foundation of lies. Does this mean that everything you said meant nothing? Did you ever care and love me?
Do you care for me now? Or is it merely, as your facebook statuses suggest, that you have decided I am a hopeless case, and that you have done all you could and that now your conscience can be clean if anything should ever happen to me?
Everything you said and have done, is now questioned.
You were within my inner circle of trust. Perhaps only one or two others were closer, and only because my gut feeling was that something was not right.
I hate gut feelings, never more have I wished I was wrong, that my suspicions were false.
But they were proven true, and there is nothing for it now.
I still care deeply for you, perhaps thats what hurts me most. That I do not hate you, but am merely pained in a way I did not think was possible, this is a new level of agony, one of the deepest areas of the brain.
Can you truly not see my point of view?
Is it truly just one sided?
If you see it as such, than a fool you are indeed,
in your years, age has not brought you wisdom, it has clouded your judgement. If my short time on Earth taught me, is to not judge anyone until you know everything about them, and that there are more than 1 side to every story, countless ways to perceive a situation, reality itself.
I always stop and examine every point of view, and reason with it. I try to imagine why they did what they did, and how I may have performed in that situation to improve it. Its called cross examination. Its excellent, but can be torturous at times. This is how I forgave you after the last act of betrayal. Because if the rolls were reversed, I wouldve acted in a similar way. I wouldve been more careful at my approach, you did it aggressively which couldve ended in sadness, but it didnt.
So are you a fool Sharon Dredge?
Have you not tried to understand this, what your actions may have caused?
Or do you truly not give a fuck?
Cos at the moment, it seems that you couldnt care less.
That youd be happy to leave me to the cold, when I need people now most.
Are you, in the worst of the storm, the worst moments of life, the hardest times of my short life,
about to depart and leave me to deal with it if I can.
Let others deal with me?
For at the moment, I feel you, Tom and shrinkman are working against me, all so closed minded.
I feel I cant discuss things with you all, when after all your all meant to be only here in a 'supportive role'.
Instead, it is all threats, if you dont do what we say.
Well if thats the sake, you can suck on a cold one.
Im sick of looking over my shoulder, of being scared everyday, cos I might just feel a little better, only for someone to tell me that now I have to do something or else.
Do you know what shit that is?
Whenever I start getting on track, someone knocks me down, and yet Im expected to establish a healthy relationship and tell all?
That is fuckin impossible with this sort of bloody environment. Tom and Ken have little fuckin idea about this all, and whenever I try to say something, Im fuckin threatened or its used against me.
You wanna support, support, but dont control!
I was orginially told that I was in control, that is the biggest load of fuckin bullshit in the world.
The only one who has strived to give me control, who has stuck by me when all of you have been fuckin with my head is Ms. Pearce. A lifesaver by any other name. She's not only put up with my shit, but reduced my stress load, and been there when everyone else couldnt give a rats toss bag. You and the two twits dont get to see what everyone else does. Your the lucky ones.
Ms Pearce, my friends Blondie, Em, Alicia, Danielle, Lauren, etc, they arent so lucky. Theyve seen me when Im bad, theyve seen my head on the desk trying to hide from myself, trying to block out the pain.
Seen me with razors in my hand, blood on my skin, and tears in my eyes. Seen me dissolve into tears for hours on end, and seen my ups and downs. And never have they once turned away from me. They have tried to stem it all.
They have seen the days after meetings with twits who threaten, the pain and the replay of events.
The lack of sleep, the non eating for days, the lost look.
You rarely see it. Your lucky.
Then what about me, who has to put up with it 24/7?
You hear of it, you dont experience it.
The only one person who perhaps deserves the pain is me. But why I dont know.
So stop making fuckin decisions about things you dont know the full thing about.
You wanna get an idea about life in one of my angels shoes with me?
Then you can judge, then you can decide.
Yet ironically, Ms Pearce, knows more than most bar one, blondie.
Yet they have both kept quiet, have stood by me, given a shoulder to cry and a helping hand when i could not stand.
Sharon Dredge, you have hurt me so much, I smiled at you today, I try to keep you comfortable.
If I was ballsy, Id tell it like it is, tell you how youve hurt me, in a calm manner. But I dont want to hurt you, for I too will pay if you hurt for it.
You couldve acted in many ways, and did not have to lie.
You have created many more problems now, and my trust lay in tatters.
If you really do care for me, then you will tell me that.
And we will talk, and try to understand each other, but I dont know whether things will ever be the same.
I gave you a piece of me that I wish I didnt now, and you betrayed it in the worst ways possible, for no real clear reason, except for the fact that you thought you were doing good. For this you are an incredible fool.
I am not normally a spiteful person, but if you do read this, I fuckin hope it hurts you a little. Cos the tears, the lack of sleep, food, sickness, and study. That is how I paid, in emotional agony, physical pain, and other pains.
If it is possible to comprehend such pain I know not.
All I know, is that I have had people I care for die on me, and that didnt hurt as much. This is a different kettle of fish altogether. For when someone dies, it is over, the pain can get no greater, it is the cataclysmic pain and will fade with time
This pain, it is still growing, and it changes in intensity rapidly.
I dont know if this may have fucked my trust up forever, but I do know it has damaged it severely. If it were an injury, it would be classed as critical, approaching life-threatening.
Trust, is what is most needed for someone in my position. After all, if all lights go out on a dark lonely night, it is trust, that will cause me to call someone for assistance. To say, you know what, Im having a fuck of a day, and I dont know if I wanna face another. Trust that enables you to say, I trust this person enough to do what needs to be done.
Of all people, it was you, who was most likely to be called. Sharon Dredge, I would call you if I was in trouble. But now, what now? You just severed that and I dont know if it can be fixed. You made a foolish move more than once, the hospital trip itself was foolish, and I can tell you why. And this move, was plain fuckin idiotic. So who the fuck do I call when Im trouble?
Im sorry, Im not like everyone else who calls a crisis line, its not my thing. I require a connection with someone, to make that call. To know that person gives a shit about me. I felt that with you, you had and still do, have a way of making me feel cared for, something my mother was incapable of doing.
So what the fuck happens now? Huh, do I trust you, only to be informed upon again?
What the fuck happens it hurts too much, when all lights go out except one. That the darkness beckons so warmly and nicely, that offers an answer that fixes all my problems. That promises no more pain, no more sadness, no more tears, blood, betrayal, and promises this. That provides the ultimate answer?
The real answer lies with me, cos now, I am almost alone in this world.
I maybe fucked!
But that is up to me, but when my judgement is clouded, at least I know that you didnt give a fuck! That you obviously was more concerned about your own conscience, and covering your ass.
Perhaps you forgot about the times youve spoke with me on FB, wondering how bad I truly was.
Perhaps you forgot about the day you were so goddam worried about me, you broke my trust cos you cared and I nearly ended up on a 72 hour in the womens and childrens hospital?
No, well I havent, its fuckin replayed everyday.
So do you care Sharon?
Do you give a shit?
Do you still wish to know me?
Or have you let when the going gets tough?
If so, theres a fuckin door, take it and never look back, delete me from your FB contacts and pretend I dont exist,
Otherwise speak to me apologise, as I will of course, and lets clean this up. But dont expect it to come quick, and dont expect it to be an easy ride.
In the space of 1 hour, the greatest things I had were damaged, it will take much longer than 1 hour to fix them up.
Pain, is a way of life, if youve it to the end, you will probably be hurting, for this, I truly am sincerely sorry.
You mean a lot to me, and always will.
But spare a thought as to my pain as well. I dont pretend yours doesnt exist, I acknowledge that this is difficult on us all, but trust is the foundations of any relationship, take it away, and you have brickdust. Add trust, and you have a skyscraper