Survived, + Pledge

Survived another day!
Given that today was one of the hardest Ive had in a long time, equal if not exceeded by the trip to the city.
Very sincerely considered catching the bus, but managed to avoid it. Really didn't think I had a choice for a while though.
Almost completely withdrew today from Blondie, and others, which was hard. I didnt wanna bring them down, and just didnt see the point in talking about this when all it does is rouse concern.
Running out of methods and ideas, perhaps Ill go with Renae's idea.
Just suffer in pain and stop trying to look for perfects fixs.
At least itll make everyone else happier.
Seems whilst I often feel that catching the bus is the best for me, and is a thing I would do for me,
I thought of Blondie, and her young year 8 friend today, and realised that the little one wouldn't understand.
Something about her innocence struck a chord with me, and Ive held it to my breast for the past few hours.
I still want the pain to stop, but that is only natural.
If I can survive to Wednesday, which is near certain, then I think I have a plan to approach this meeting with Tom.
Something where we can both receive a lot of use from.
It needs to be mutually agreed, but Ive gotta do something.
Escitalopram didnt work, so I need to find an alternative anti-d.
If I can stabilise my mood, remove the bus from the table, and at least have a few good hours each day, then I can do this.
And if the CBT screws with me too much, then an agreement along the lines of not doing it until the 11th of November will have to be arranged, so Im not knocked off my perch each time.
That way I can get my head down and hard for the final few weeks of year 12, and at least do well in a few subjects, then perhaps, I shall return to REC next year, or not depending upon how well I do.
All I know, is this cannot go on, and catching the bus really isnt what I want, perhaps if Id lived longer, then yes, but not now.
I still havent loved, laid, dived, danced and lots of other things yet.
And it isnt the right order of things, I dont want my parent have to bury their child, when Im meant to bury them.
I'll Hold On Ms Pearce, Ill see you tomorrow.
No matter how hard I have to push, how many tears, or blood I have to shed, Ill be here tomorrow, and the next day as well.
I may cry, I may bleed, I may even burn, or possibly even OD, but I won't be dying by my hand this week.
As for the ones after that, well, each day as it comes. Ill post another promise next week.

For Bec, Emma, Ms Pearce, Alicia, Danielle, Hayley, Cassi, Rose, Lauren, Jill, Liam, Ms Duke, other teachers.
I love you all, and I hold on for you.
One day I will hold on for me, but right now, you'll all have to suffice.
I can see your love, and I know it exists, but right now I cant feel it. But one day I will, and it will be a blissful day when I do, and the happiest day I have in a long time.