How blissful would eternal sleep be?
I dont really know if things will get much better than they have these past few weeks.
I feel like I have lost something valuable, and cant get it back, like virginity except more precious.
It was my innocence and ignorance. Many people never fully lose them, I feel I have.
I wish I didnt, ignorance is true bliss, as is sleep.
With this bad news, my mask have just broken. I hope I can put it back together,
or the consequences are too horrible to consider.
I knew that this set back would occur, it didnt reduce the pain though.
If anything, it proves I am a failure.
At least they have no regrets or little.
I became too self absorbed to actually prepare for it.
Now I have seen what happens.
People think things r going well,
I like to think that Bruce Willis and I have something in common.
We can both put up an excellent act when needed, we are actors.
Now I feel isolated, I had people before, now I feel I have lost them all to my own stupidity.
I get that life isnt easy, but natural selection is trying to work, and i am trying to resist. In the wild, Id be the dead one who wasnt strong enough and well adapted enough to survive.
And yet I try to resist nature and biology theory. Is it winnable?
I hope so, cos the number of suicidal people I have talked down in the past week is taking its tole on me.
Id just like to sleep, and wake to find no pain.
Or never wake.
As MCR say in their song: The amount of pills I'm taking, counteracts the booze I'm drinking
and this vanity I'm breaking, lets me live my life like this

awesome song, cant wait till yr12 is finished, getting seriously smashed will b something ill enjoy

Someone just walked through the door.

Wait a minute.......it was my career :(

Ok, its been a while since my last post, a lot has happened, and now its going to shit again.

I finally gave the med gang the flick and they have closed the case. Perhaps I lead them to believe that

things were doing better than they ever could, though they sort of worked out that they may not be,

nevertheless they are off my case and I shall not need to visit them again unless someone speaks to them to

indicate that things arent going as well as they should be.

That would not be advisable.

Reality is, Ive been putting on a brave face for what really is starting to become a shit storm again.

I havent lost control, I can still pretend everythings ok, but Ive closed off again and have become very quiet

again. Reality is Im hurting a shit load, and have done many things that with hindsight I hate myself dearly for.

One of them is that I told my father everything. Something I cannot take back. Initially we got closer, but now

perhaps dad doesnt realise it, but its threatening everything we have. I think it maybe lost this time.

I dont have the time nor energy to take it.

My friendship and relationship with Bec seems to be in almost tatters, or so it seems to me. We havent

spoken in days, and I dont even know why, but dont have the energy to fight for it.

Im putting alll my energy into pretending and doing work, I have exceeding amounts of mental and physical

fatigues and I dont know why. And Im getting a fair amount of sleep, but quality seems very bad.

I dont wanna lose this! I need to finish this strong, but every where I look, there are massive hurdles that

threaten to trip me at every corner. Even if I jump the first few, maths tells me Ill fall somewhere.

And now I feel I have burnt my bridges with ms pearce, bec and many of my mates. I dont want to break

the illusion that Im doing as well as we all like to think. I dont wanna speak to much to renae either in case

i upset her.

Still being haunted by this years events. And now from an event on Monday.

A guy was lying on the train tracks when I was going to the city.

I cant stop thinking about it, I feel for them, I was there so recently. I still visit it sometimes.

The razor is still one of my best friends, apart from my satin, sleep, death, and my bed.

All inanimate objects, but I love them. More trustworthy than any living being, even me.

I no longer know what I want from life. I really dont, perhaps none of us do, and that I am one of the

unlucky ones who has had the foresight to see it as thus. Perhaps deep thought, and a degree of intelligence

is a curse, for I feel it is. If I was a simple man, I would not think of such things.

I crave sleep, endless sleep, yet how do I get it?

There is still a subconcious part of me that will move to cause accident when Im not thinking.

I found I unintentionally nearly stepped in front of a car on a main road, without thinking.

What is it that I desire?

What do I want from life?

Can I want anything anymore?

Do I have such a right to anything, even life?

I know not what these answers be.

But everyday, I see people, moving about their lives, trying to get things done.

They consider them important, for jobs, their future, etc.

I too act as such, but when I stop and examine things, there is really little point.

Perhaps do the things we enjoy, but are things that we enjoy all merely the minds ploy to ensure that humans

continue to survive? To provide a driving force that continues the survival of the species?

Does it matter?

Ah shit, well life sucks, get over it, get under it, or die.

I would chose the final, but I dont have the time, inclination, energy, and am not ready to cause that kind

of hurt just yet. So it looks like Im stuck with this.