At least she died quickly I guess. A car at 100km/h would be quick as I reckon, its freakin me out though.
Keep having thoughts of her final moments.
And also cos thats what my mate said she'd do if she was too do it, which was close on occassions. She lives nearby as well.
Kinda scary and cant help but imagine it being her instead.
Seems Im fooling most people, they thought today may have been a bit of tough day, but sort of figured I was doing ok.
Inside, I was and am right now dying.
Mate really was doing it tough today, but refused to say anything, so I was convinced I had done something wrong, and still wonder if I did. She said year 12 is getting to her, which I can appreciate, even though her workload against mine is minute. But I understand it is difficult no matter what. I think i may have contributed to that.
Really took my day down. Had razor in hand today, and used. in Maths. Coincidentally just as KP was walking past. Just missed eye contact, though I get the impression we may have still observed each other. I think she may have worked out something was up, even though we havent had contact in a few weeks really. Just a feeling Ive got, she's seen me at my worst a lot, and I kinda wonder if she read my eyes well. and perhaps body language, though at a glimpse its tough.
I really miss our chats, sounds pathetic, but some people are good to chat too and make u feel at ease, often a little too much so. Reality is, I need to develop or at least survive this. Cos I doubt many will be round next year, in the big wide world. Itll be me, on my own again, or virtually anyway. Yes, perhaps those who have supported me this year will be round, but not as much, and I should not rely on them. It doesnt do to rely on anyone much, or at least on only a few people. And I shouldnt really for my own health. I thought I had got teh better of this, I think there is no different, merely that Im better at hiding it from others and myself even. When I stop and think, its still there, and Im scared of staying still for too long. I dont wanna lose year 12 to this, if I havent already. I want medicine in uni, or health sciences. I wanna start truly working towards my career, my new self. Hopefully where I have better control of this. If I really close look at myself, a fraction of me is still convinced that this is gonna go pear shaped in the worst possible way, but Im trying to disregard that part. To pick and choose parts of me I wanna listen too. SI wont be leaving me for a fair while soon. Which means Im gonna b fucked in Summer. Shorts will cover most damage, but not all of it. Seems my legs have less nerves in them, or else I attack them with SI and SU when im more distressed. For there are scars of cuts long gone that arent fading, so looks like Ill be getting lots of strange and concerned looks from mates, dive buddies, and others in general. Ha, and thats only whats there now. No telling whatll happen in summer itself. Waist band will get more than its fair share Id say. Mind u, half of my waist and legs are only scar tissue.
Dam I am a weird person, but hey, thats me for you. Like me or dont. Just dont tell me if you dont, or I may get upset. As for upsetting me in general, do not-not say something to me cos ur worried it might set me off. Its not ur concern or ur problem. If i do cut, burn or otherwise, thats my problem. No, it aint stupidity, psycho, or anything else. Its coping. Cutting, Burning, Drinking, Getting High, Exercising, Sleeping, etc. Its all coping mechanisms.
Ahh, anyway. Today wasnt fun, caffeine tablets arent working that well and had to take a few today to get any form of alertness increase. Not sure if I should continue my pursuit in alertness from caffeine, or search for alternate methods. Im getting quite a bit of sleep, so must be quality that Im lacking. Perhaps exercise if I can locate the energy, or perhaps its a medical problem and I should talk to a doc. Though the chance a doc will give me something to help is unlikely, mind u, i dont know whats on my medical record-depends if they suspect ive been suicidal-I wonder if that nasty trip to teh Womens and Childrens is down there? That would screw any idea of sleep aid.
Meh, dont want sleep aid, only more alertness so I can work harder, and perhaps help improve moods a bit. Hate pretending, takes up lots of energy needed for study and fighting the Big D.
Mmm sleep, so luxurious, feel like I need about 48 hours of the stuff. So tired, but go to bed, and cant sleep for fuckin hours. Yet not alert enough or energy enough to study well.
Ahh! continuous battle.
Thankfully SU has only knocked and come in, not sat down and made herself at home like she did for a while there, trying to take me with her. And she only does every now and then, which is kinda good.
Still worried about another mate of mine, weve drifted apart a bit, even though we r similar in ways in our fights with the Big D and A.
Means a lot to me, and I hope she realises so. But I know the past few weeks for her have been hell, and I think-hope that a few of her mates have helped her out and stuck by her. But I know my place, and she knows my number and to call it at anytime, and if needed, I will go to her, even if I have to walk from Edithburgh, Ill be there. Just send her a FB msg from time to time, to know that I care and worry about her, though I know she equally worried about me.
Meh, shit happens, so dam lonely right now, even though im not alone. Would kill to have a good chat with someone, and perhaps some nice hugs as well. Ah well, Dion, its time to be a man, stand on your own two feet, and dont rely on anyone else. Rely on yourself. If you can. Born into the world on your own, exit it the same way. Prepare to walk and experience all the shit that life brings on your own. If you get company, sweet. But be careful, most people have a motivation for it, and those that dont, are the ones you can never let leave. These are the gems, that make life worth living for the most part.
No comments:
Post a Comment