Finally!

Finally a day that I can say, hey I didn't hit it hard. I didn't sit and think, dam I wanna die, dam I think Im gonna do something about this pain, or even, goodbye mates, I dont know if youll see me again.
That didnt occur today.
What did occur was more desirable. It wouldnt knock most people's socks off by a long shot, but it was a day I can say hey, Im glad I was living, and if I died now, Id die a happy man.
I had one hiccup regarding one thing, but it made me more determined to make my point.
Well, basically I was meant to meet with tom today. The poor guy's sick, and I hope he's feeling better soon. Well, that made the day a touch easier to go with, considering I was dry retching prior to finding out due to anxiety and also probably to the large number of jalapeno peppers from the day before (YUM!).
Well, physics was pretty good, managed to hand my prac report up, it wasnt brilliant, but I got it up. Then did an interesting prac for physics (highly unusual, all physics pracs usually suck). Went nuts on food and ate lots, cost me too much cash, but yummy...sadly the teenagers stomach is always empty.....
Maths, quite bareable, embarrassed myself with my usual sexual inuendos, jokes, and word twisting. Stupid antics, but keep me laughing, gotta be a good thing, though Ive let a little too much of me out of the proverbial bag. Seems I am not abnormal, but very normal and typical of a guy. haha (use your imagination and multiply that thought by a power of ten).
Had a reasonable talk with forsyth, aka forskin, about statistics, started to understand a bit, he put the pressure on for the DI, but decided Id meet with him in my 2nd free (last lesson) to chat about it, since I was sleeping through the whole matrices topic which the DI's on.
In first free, got stuck into physics, hit a snag, I reckon its palnocks dodgy results and will investigate further with him on Friday. Went onto maths DI, lovely Danielle helped me with it, and what do you know, I understand how its done....I think. Danielle, for year 12 Maths teacher! lol.
Worked out all maths calculations. Now just gotta write the dam thing, a very big task.
Found Forsyth and chatted with him.
Here he rubbed me up the wrong way, probably with a bit of hard reality, but didnt want it nonetheless, still trying to remain in denial.
Basically said Id fucked the year, in maths at least. I realise that, but its hard to take, dont know how much Ill beat the shit of myself, but I suspect when I finally acknowledge it, I will be very sore at the least, and potentially sporting many bruises, cuts, burns and maybe some other damage.
Clearly not a good thing when it hits, dont think ill need any weapons either, id say I could do it with myself.
But hey, never know, I may be able to avert that situation, or at least gradually introduce it and thus trying to moderate damage, the sudden realisation may trigger worse effects. He seems to think that I shouldnt be going for medicine, that I wont get there. One response to that. Ill show you!
Its what I want, what I need, and what Ill get, even if I have to resit goddam year 12 for 4 years in a row. Ill get there!
Am starting to realise Ive fucked the year and am freaking out about what Im gonna do, dont wanna repeat, but dont wanna find myself in uni where its harder to have the support that I do at the moment, that is if I bloody well accept it all-Im a fool for pushing it away but its what happens when ur shitting urself.
Fuck Im stupid, guess Ill have to face up to all my fuckups soon, in the next few days, dont want to, at the moment Im doing ok. What goes up though must crash land though, or it is with me anyway.

On the upside, did research into courses next year, and ended up heading to the betrayer. Went over, completely pointless, dont think she really gives a crap. Just bullshit again, starting to wonder if I can be bothered making an effort when she isnt. Dont know why Im trying to patch things up, I didnt betray someone that I knew was doing it tough. Mind you, I still feel guilt.
Meh, dancing was bloody brilliant. Why can I not dance the night away, the pain away, everything away?
It is so beautiful, so enjoyable, and liberating. Its the only time when I am strongest. This forsaken illness fights back, but as long as the musics going, and Im dancing, I can keep it at bay for a while. It eventually gets me, but not easily, and Im not mentally screwing myself fighting it. So i still have fight to hold it off a little longer.
And Im generally riding on cloud 9 as well.
Today we covered Rock n Roll, Rumba and Cha Cha.
I already know the full bronze routine for Rumba, and I learnt the final steps for the bronze cha cha as well.
The Rock n Roll, we just sped through and kept the rest entertained as we rocked to the fast tempo, taking full advantage of the very vacant dance floor. Got taught another step for the Rock n Roll as well. I think its called the hand drop and turn or something. Looks very specky, but easier than it looks. Involves a lot of trust though or my partner may end up in the crowd twice. Havent lost one yet though and not planning on, though iv been clobbered in the moosh once hehe.
Cha Cha turns out Ive finally got the top mastered, and we finished with a fan, and then fan alamana, and then repeated. good fun, very active dance. rumba definitely the most sensual, definitely something i look forward to dancing with someone special. rock n roll, feel goog dance and bloody fun. cha cha, very fast, nice and latiny and kinda reminds me of the passionate, steamy scenes in the romance genre of movies except vertically inclined.
guess thats why they say that dance is the vertically inclined equivalent of a horizontal desire. lol

Lets Dance.
Now onto HW, maths di, maths integration revision-never learned so its hardly revision.
Can see myself going to bed soon though and setting the ticker to 4 am or something horrible like that.
Too late to take good ol no doze.