I paid for the other night badly. I have since sunk into a bought of what can only be described as severe misery amounting to and leading to some suicidal contemplation's. When I was tripping the other night, I was incredibly tempted to take the leftovers of the ssri cos i knew that dxm and ssri can potentially lead to serotonin syndrome which can be fatal. though on closer examination, its not nearly as it is made out to be or as dangerous. i probably wouldve ended up with a nasty hangover, though i had a bloody horrible one on saturday. it really fucked me up to a high degree. i sat the chem exam in the morning and only got 58%, and its shit cos i wouldve done better if i wasnt still fuckin half out of it. i collapsed on the friday night, and couldnt get up for a while. it was weird and kinda scary. pupils werent responding either. weird, and felt sooo light headed. fuck all euphoric effects, no pleasant tingling. robo trips tast like shit, feel semi ok, and the hangover was dam killer. sucked ass. dunno if ill do it again, probably just to finish the bottle off and then i doubt id ever do it again. besides, i know that in extensive use it can cause vacuolisation of brain cells, which would be bad. fuckin dumb shit and i feel retarded for it. the saturday night was ok but i got really snappy at people i shouldnt and i really hate myself for it. dad really sent me over twice last night. i was soooo desperate to go back to the cutting, and burning. hell suicide sounded ok. i havent really had much contact with him, and i think hes pissed. he just went off last night, im still looking after my suicidal mate, it sucks, cos i dont know why im begging her not to. fuck id love to, im pleading for her life just as much as mine. but i dont think anything will happen majorly till after exams. then i may b dangerous. will have 2 c wat happens. but atm i feel that another shot at it is certain and that next time i may regret it a bloody lot. stupid knowledge, i know too much. even now im learning more about drug interactions. but i also know its a dedicated thing, if i did that, there's no going back. i either suceed, fail and keep quiet, or get found out and find myself in a really embarrassing situation. namely my chances of entering the adf being fucked 4 3 years as well. ahh shit wat do i do. what do u do with a fucked up person like me? take em out the back and shoot em? hold them tight and what not? but is that just mollycoddling? fuck knows, kick the crap out of me and see if u can kick it out. i dont know if i can hold off the cutting. i want it, but i dont want to. its like there's this piece missing from me, and whenever i hurt, like find out my mates r going out tonight, or that a mate of mine is getting real close to someone i like or what not, its just kills, especially when i know that i dont deserve anything like that. this is fucked. what the hell has happened in the past 12 months? i just wanna go back to then!!!! let me tell myself to not b a fuckhead about it, and grow some balls. let me kcik the living fuck out of the little pussy cunt and tell him to wake up to the fucked upness of the world. to say HEY COCKBAG, Ur old man is not the guy u think he is, dont loose ur independence and DONT START RELYING ON OTHER PEOPLE!!!!
Now Im dam near incompetent and i dont know what to believe,.
Lost, and with fuck knows where to go.
Im trapped, is death the onlly way out?
Im scared, squash the ugly kid-me, im wasting oxygen and resources.
death, death death.

Wouldnt it be grand to take a pistol by the hand and wouldnt it be great if we were DEAD! - MCR