Well, life is getting worse.
On saturday I went for a dodgy dive, but I did what I needed to to help Steve, and thats the main thing. I am learning to function in limited to virtually nil vis. Was good to see everyone, especially Steve, Wendy and Sue.
Went to a party that night, Cassi's 18th. It was hard for me to interact, though shit when down, and I was given a chance to shine. Poor Justin, Cassis boyfriend, now ex had a shitload to drink, and ended up collapsing to the floor. When asked to take him home, I realised it wasnt going to happen for a while, and proceeded to tend to him for a few hours. He wasnt even really throwing up, it just creeped up his throat. He freaked out a few times, but I managed to get him home by 1230. I think he has 4 fits, cos he sorta seized up, I nearly took him to hospital but was hesistant cos I didnt want the hard working docs and nurses there dealing with another Saturday  night drunk. I didnt think it was fair on them, also as one can imagine, I have my reservations still. Obviously I have analysed this situation and question whether I did the right things, he is ok now, but I did worry for a while. Typically, when I got home, it sent me off into anxeity and shakes unfortunately, nearly broke down, I started to worry people. Felt bad for it, guess thats life. Kinda enjoyed it, I think I earnt a lot of respect from people. Dont know if I deserve the praise I received and continue to receive. I have been counselling a 14 year girl in trying to not commit suicide. She desperately wants to, and I desperately dont want her to. i dont think she realises that Im breaking, and Im trying to convince myself just as much as herself not to. I feel its almost certain that she will attempt now, especially since she lost a FB friend to suicide Saturday. Poor girl, I wish I could take her pain away.But i cant even take away mine.
Ive been upseetting people again, Emma, and that. Causing them worry. I dont know what to do, Im running out of options, in fact that time has passed. Mixed my little deadly cocktail again, took a whiff, was nearly sick. Pretty sure its a chlroamine, and deadly, looking at what it does and how much it reacts, but its a hard smell to take, and Ill need much more products and an enclosed space that I can warn people of the dangers.
In a ambivalent mood, just dont care, just want sleep, hating myself for my lack of revision. Was prepared to cut the fuck out of myself today, but to no avail, the flu has me and Im in pain as it is, I couldnt bare the additional. Contemplating getting numbing cream if I can find some effective stuff dont know if thats so I can attempt suicide, or just so I can get more into it. But either way, i guess its a shit idea, and i have screwed up motivations.
Fuck, I dont believe it, I just dont wanna die, but I feel Im gonna. Fuck what do i do?
This pressure, I dont know if itll boil over or what. I just feel mentally drained, and now physically drained, like butter scraped over too much bread.
I feel that hope is fadded, life will always be painful like this. To some, I sound pathetic, weak willed, etc, and you know what, your probably right. Perhaps I am just part of the natural selection process. The strong survive.
I dont know if this will be my last post, but even with the news that soon I will be ready to sit my Bronze Latin Medal for dance, it may well be. If I can find the courage to do it, and ensure ambivalence doesnt get in my way. If it does, Ill screw up, and look stupid and perhaps find myself in hosptial, Id sooner die I think,....but perhaps not, I dont know.
Considered throwing myself off the telstra building, but I think Id back out, and may alert security in the process, which would most certainly get me a pysch eval, and potential sectioning for 72 hrs. Which would be embarrassing, and tbh, atm could well sign my death warrant.
Dunno, drowning? I have a number of ideas for it, but itd be hard and Id have to b committed, and reality is, Im not committed, so I need something that doesnt require too much effort, but is pretty successful, painless would b good, but depends on what type of pain.
Hanging, potentially good idea, but nasty for others, especially Dad. Car accident, as long as it involves only me, on a deserted road, people may never know. But Iv tried it before, and theres too much thought. Poisoning, now if I can get access to teh correct chemicals, this is a good one, as is plastic bag asphyxiation, though iv tried it so many times. Requires a sleeping tablet, cant get one. Bleeding, exsanguiation, if i can get deep enough, yes. Drug overdose, if i can get the right ones, yes. May be painful for me, thats cool, just needs to b quick, and leave me in a decent state. Maybe thinners.
Fuck knows, its clear i still dont know, perhaps I just do it on an impulse, be impulsive, or maybe plan it out, that little stash of pills would screw me up, as 2 the times and speed and pain, probably high. High probability of screwing up, but not telling anyone would be to my advantage, perhaps do it when Dad goes to qld, might b next week, could collapse on say a monday and would hopefully have enough time to expire.
Dunno, so many ideas, and I should b studying, everytime I dont study, increases my desire to DIE.
Catch anyone on the flip flop, c how we go, I may be back on, sadly probably will be.