Oh shakespeare, the mere thought of u calms me at times.
This book i clutch between fingers, oh its beaufitul, ur words speak to me across the vast gap of time that has become.
I shall hold on for the time being.
My feeble attempt at joining u 2day failed after awakening and tearing it off me.
but please, dont leave me. ur words r precious, they speak to the emotions, and right now, if its posisble, a hug would suffice.
i feel ever alone, i desire study, yet my mind it swirls with uncomprehensible things.
desires, impulsions, and overall a desire to be held right now, to be hugged, warmed and feel close to another, for right now, i feel deatched from the outside world, like i dont matter at all.
i dont desire death, i only desire love, warmth and happiness, and not sorrow, pain, and coldness.
but if the latter is all i am to have, then nothing at all is all i desire.
nothing, non-existance, ad infinitum.
suicide, its not pretty, painless, or happy, but at times, its all i have.
knowing that if all goes so bad, that fuck it all, i cant go with it anymore, that death will welcome me just as much.
if i knew suicide was painless, then perhaps i could do it more easily, but yet, i think to much, i know what it can do, to others, to me if i fail. the possibility of being sectioned, could make things worse, unless i could use it to climb up and out. no the potential to wake up in a locked room terrifies me. hospital if ur a patient must b terrible, but worse for those locked in doors.
that perhaps is what haunts me at times, that and the fact that i cannot help but wonder the what ifs of this year.
all i know, is that there is a strong likelihood of my life resting on these exams. if i do poorly, i know what the stakes may be. what may occur. the half plans made, the ideas, the comfort.
yet i still dont desire it. i want to do well, and get out of here. it sucks. i wanna die happy, not miserable and in a cold dark place.
to die clutched in the arms of someone i love. my dad and mother r not those people, never have been and never will b. my mother hurt me today, and dad causes pain hed never realise.
im just a miserable little fuck.
talking 2 someone today whos lost someone to suicide teh other month, i mentioned him here aleks. a decent bloke, who works as a mental health assistant. telling me whats gone on, and all that. i think he may have thought things r going down hill, and of course he's right. hell i tried to catch the bus today., oart of me still desires it, but i dont really know what id do, perhaps the belt or someone, the leaps of faith frighten me, and mothers little helper dont tend to do much except get u in a lot of pain and if u say something, in an ed near u with the posisbility of damage or sectioning. hypo is uncomfortable, as is starvation, and dehy.
metal pieces burn like all fuck, and again, from personal experience one needs to b in a highly emotional state to get to the goodies, and even then, it often fails, cauing an absolute shitload of pain unless one gets hold of numbspray, whihc i dont know where to get and if it works. though ice does work with the dis of that goodies tend to hid from view due to the low temp.
h20 intox is bloody horirble, tried and failed, u need a thrist that u can kill. hazmat stuff, not good idea, can b quick, but dangerous to others, as is leaps of desperation. well, looks like im left with life, and finding someone or something to hold, hug and cry. and then perhaps if im as smart as others say, chatting to someone, but not dad. fuck him, he doesnt get it, and he hurts too much, from me. unsure if chatting to pdoc is a good idea, but the suicide forums r life savers. prolife, but dam u can chat and most people just try and get it out, and not do it. that, and if i can get a grip of myself, do the only kind of jumping i should b doing into some textbooks, and plow on. heat, hugs, chat, cry, study. if it works, good. if not, fuck knows what i do.
if anyone reads this, give the nearest loved one a hug. i used to not value hugs, but now when i get one, i treasure it, its like gold to me atm, and probablu helps more as well.

love how my maths teacher can tear me down though, told me my assignment was bad., fuck redo. unimpressed. spent near 12 hrs on it. brief impulse to but certain objects in places they dont belong passed, didnt even bleed much a few hrs later. dont have the impulse or desire now. just makes it too painful when i actually get a hug.
Hug