It seems I can not get a good day, perhaps it isnt allowed by some weird coincidence.
It started out iffy, I had a tough night, on account of me finding out information about a friend that even now, I am struggling to deal with and am scared about. To make it worse, that information is likely to cause major concern for me for many weeks to come. So it looks like an emotional rollercoaster is in order.
Had a reasonable day, and now Iv fallen out of the sky. I want to be left alone, but suspect I know what may happen if that does happen. I would kill to bleed now, but too many people around, but I may go out later to relax. Perhaps a trip to the Jetty is in order, whether I come back from it, well that would be likely, but who knows. Doubt itll happen though.
Being forced into meeting with the youthlink worker is not helping, and my conversations with the shrink have continued to plague me. It looks like itll be a night of flashbacks and mental torture. I dont know how many times I can dissassemble these events and examine them. I never want to hear the word hospital again, or medical at the moment.
Given a sufficient bad mood, I wonder how desperate I could become, perhaps enough to follow tash.
Doubt it though, Im too weak, and I am disgusting to think of.
The fact I can even think of hurting everyone is horrible, but sometimes it seems like there is only one path, and that the abyss looks warm, comforting and totally pain free. A match made in death. mmm.
I still dont know why I cant just succeed in su, but I am either self sabotaging, too ambivalent to do it properly, perhaps too distressed to correctly do it, or just an idiot.
Probably all of them at once.
Haha, I cant do much right, cant even dance reaper style.
Some perhaps say it was fate, god will, or something like that.
I wish I could believe that, but I think its just tosh, to try to either keep me going, make me feel guilty, and I cant see that from this hole.
Its not like I havent tried, hell Iv tried. But I just dont see it.
Guess life is hard, but so is death.
There is still so much I want to do, but I cant believe it, but I would almost visit su just to not do wednesday, but what does that say about me?
Clearly that I may be fucked up beyond all repair.
If so, dont put me through the embarrassment of trying to stop me.
Ah, shit I dont know, I wont get homework done, Im on the brink of losing a good mate, and I feel like I cant do much about it, but Ill fuckin hate myself for it if I dont do something. Dam, its a moral argument, that many would only see one sided, but I see both sides, and do understand.