The Suicide Note Trilogy - A Letter to Friends, Crushes and Others (Close and Far)

A Letter to Friends, Crushes and Others (Close and Far)

He wrote:

To friends, close and far,

Crushes, known and unknown,

Girlfriends and others,

And to those who know the lot.

You be within my thoughts,

And I think of you a lot.

Some saw this possibility,

Which seems to have come to pass.

And to those, I’m sorry for your pain,

For I wish it was not this way.

All started a few years ago,

I began to use my nails against me.

I created scabs that refused to heal.

Such was I the punisher and discipliner,

All to hurt me more.

For such was I,

To punish for all I’ve done.

Trivial in nature,

Bad grades and the like.

And thus it came and went,

For two or three birthdays as such.

Till this year,

When I went to war.

But how does one fight a war,

When allies and enemies are one and the same?

I increased my range,

And picked up a Swiss knife,

And the rest they say is mere history,

Memories of nature.

I started fasting,

Cutting when I broke,

Cutting whenever I couldn’t take it.

And for a while,

‘Twas enough.

And the very thing that hurt me,

Saved me from the reaper.

For a time.

I bear those scars and wounds,

Shamefully hidden from eyes,

Who seek to aid the weary.

I did reach out,

As those I love most know.

I trusted you,

Yet burdened you,

With my great struggle for life.To those who knew,

Know you were and are angels,

And saviours from the living.

To Emma, Hayley, and dear Cassi,

You saved my life more than once,

By merely talking when I could not stop.

I have been loved and cared for,

Yet I weakened and could not hold on.

It seems that the knife was always to have its victim.

But victim I be not,

For I be perpetrator.

Victims are those who hurt due to me,

By acts of final desperation.

Time shall move on,

And your memories of me shall fade.

Perhaps the pain may too.

I am sorry for this pain,

And know you could do nothing more,

Than all that is done and did.

I leave this world a desperate man,

But love you all nonetheless.

Yet I love all but me,

And such is the curse of me.

My stupidity for not being a man,

And loving you all but more,

And preserving my own life.

For I shall not pretend,

That I am loved by all.

But I know that many do care,

And they will hurt the most.

Please try to understand,

I love you all a lot.

But pain is pain,

And that is thus,

It cuts me like the knife.

Read my works,

Weep if you must.

They may help you understand,

Some of my feelings and thoughts,

That permeated my mind.

Royal red,

The colour of love,

How ironic I feel it must be.

That which I tried to hold,

Yet is now rushing from mine arms,

And pooling close within.

As my body passes into shock,

And tries to conserve all I’m destroying.

I feel its nearly time,

And thus it ends with me.

So to those friends close and far,

And all of those that follow,

Know I tried but not hard enough,

I quit before the game was up.

Weep not for me,

But for you.

For I hurt you,

And not you, me.

I love you all,

And gave my all.

To those burdened by knowledge,

I say to you,

No more secrets.

I release your tongues you kept glued,

And thank you for such.

So to all who kept me going,

Thank you.

To those who hurt and impeded me,

Thank you.

And fall not into what I did,

Love all,

And never stop,

Farewell,

And good luck,

My friends.