Finally a day that I can say, hey I didn't hit it hard. I didn't sit and think, dam I wanna die, dam I think Im gonna do something about this pain, or even, goodbye mates, I dont know if youll see me again.
That didnt occur today.
What did occur was more desirable. It wouldnt knock most people's socks off by a long shot, but it was a day I can say hey, Im glad I was living, and if I died now, Id die a happy man.
I had one hiccup regarding one thing, but it made me more determined to make my point.
Well, basically I was meant to meet with tom today. The poor guy's sick, and I hope he's feeling better soon. Well, that made the day a touch easier to go with, considering I was dry retching prior to finding out due to anxiety and also probably to the large number of jalapeno peppers from the day before (YUM!).
Well, physics was pretty good, managed to hand my prac report up, it wasnt brilliant, but I got it up. Then did an interesting prac for physics (highly unusual, all physics pracs usually suck). Went nuts on food and ate lots, cost me too much cash, but yummy...sadly the teenagers stomach is always empty.....
Maths, quite bareable, embarrassed myself with my usual sexual inuendos, jokes, and word twisting. Stupid antics, but keep me laughing, gotta be a good thing, though Ive let a little too much of me out of the proverbial bag. Seems I am not abnormal, but very normal and typical of a guy. haha (use your imagination and multiply that thought by a power of ten).
Had a reasonable talk with forsyth, aka forskin, about statistics, started to understand a bit, he put the pressure on for the DI, but decided Id meet with him in my 2nd free (last lesson) to chat about it, since I was sleeping through the whole matrices topic which the DI's on.
In first free, got stuck into physics, hit a snag, I reckon its palnocks dodgy results and will investigate further with him on Friday. Went onto maths DI, lovely Danielle helped me with it, and what do you know, I understand how its done....I think. Danielle, for year 12 Maths teacher! lol.
Worked out all maths calculations. Now just gotta write the dam thing, a very big task.
Found Forsyth and chatted with him.
Here he rubbed me up the wrong way, probably with a bit of hard reality, but didnt want it nonetheless, still trying to remain in denial.
Basically said Id fucked the year, in maths at least. I realise that, but its hard to take, dont know how much Ill beat the shit of myself, but I suspect when I finally acknowledge it, I will be very sore at the least, and potentially sporting many bruises, cuts, burns and maybe some other damage.
Clearly not a good thing when it hits, dont think ill need any weapons either, id say I could do it with myself.
But hey, never know, I may be able to avert that situation, or at least gradually introduce it and thus trying to moderate damage, the sudden realisation may trigger worse effects. He seems to think that I shouldnt be going for medicine, that I wont get there. One response to that. Ill show you!
Its what I want, what I need, and what Ill get, even if I have to resit goddam year 12 for 4 years in a row. Ill get there!
Am starting to realise Ive fucked the year and am freaking out about what Im gonna do, dont wanna repeat, but dont wanna find myself in uni where its harder to have the support that I do at the moment, that is if I bloody well accept it all-Im a fool for pushing it away but its what happens when ur shitting urself.
Fuck Im stupid, guess Ill have to face up to all my fuckups soon, in the next few days, dont want to, at the moment Im doing ok. What goes up though must crash land though, or it is with me anyway.
On the upside, did research into courses next year, and ended up heading to the betrayer. Went over, completely pointless, dont think she really gives a crap. Just bullshit again, starting to wonder if I can be bothered making an effort when she isnt. Dont know why Im trying to patch things up, I didnt betray someone that I knew was doing it tough. Mind you, I still feel guilt.
Meh, dancing was bloody brilliant. Why can I not dance the night away, the pain away, everything away?
It is so beautiful, so enjoyable, and liberating. Its the only time when I am strongest. This forsaken illness fights back, but as long as the musics going, and Im dancing, I can keep it at bay for a while. It eventually gets me, but not easily, and Im not mentally screwing myself fighting it. So i still have fight to hold it off a little longer.
And Im generally riding on cloud 9 as well.
Today we covered Rock n Roll, Rumba and Cha Cha.
I already know the full bronze routine for Rumba, and I learnt the final steps for the bronze cha cha as well.
The Rock n Roll, we just sped through and kept the rest entertained as we rocked to the fast tempo, taking full advantage of the very vacant dance floor. Got taught another step for the Rock n Roll as well. I think its called the hand drop and turn or something. Looks very specky, but easier than it looks. Involves a lot of trust though or my partner may end up in the crowd twice. Havent lost one yet though and not planning on, though iv been clobbered in the moosh once hehe.
Cha Cha turns out Ive finally got the top mastered, and we finished with a fan, and then fan alamana, and then repeated. good fun, very active dance. rumba definitely the most sensual, definitely something i look forward to dancing with someone special. rock n roll, feel goog dance and bloody fun. cha cha, very fast, nice and latiny and kinda reminds me of the passionate, steamy scenes in the romance genre of movies except vertically inclined.
guess thats why they say that dance is the vertically inclined equivalent of a horizontal desire. lol
Lets Dance.
Now onto HW, maths di, maths integration revision-never learned so its hardly revision.
Can see myself going to bed soon though and setting the ticker to 4 am or something horrible like that.
Too late to take good ol no doze.
Showing posts with label Ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ramblings. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Survived, + Pledge
Survived another day!
Given that today was one of the hardest Ive had in a long time, equal if not exceeded by the trip to the city.
Very sincerely considered catching the bus, but managed to avoid it. Really didn't think I had a choice for a while though.
Almost completely withdrew today from Blondie, and others, which was hard. I didnt wanna bring them down, and just didnt see the point in talking about this when all it does is rouse concern.
Running out of methods and ideas, perhaps Ill go with Renae's idea.
Just suffer in pain and stop trying to look for perfects fixs.
At least itll make everyone else happier.
Seems whilst I often feel that catching the bus is the best for me, and is a thing I would do for me,
I thought of Blondie, and her young year 8 friend today, and realised that the little one wouldn't understand.
Something about her innocence struck a chord with me, and Ive held it to my breast for the past few hours.
I still want the pain to stop, but that is only natural.
If I can survive to Wednesday, which is near certain, then I think I have a plan to approach this meeting with Tom.
Something where we can both receive a lot of use from.
It needs to be mutually agreed, but Ive gotta do something.
Escitalopram didnt work, so I need to find an alternative anti-d.
If I can stabilise my mood, remove the bus from the table, and at least have a few good hours each day, then I can do this.
And if the CBT screws with me too much, then an agreement along the lines of not doing it until the 11th of November will have to be arranged, so Im not knocked off my perch each time.
That way I can get my head down and hard for the final few weeks of year 12, and at least do well in a few subjects, then perhaps, I shall return to REC next year, or not depending upon how well I do.
All I know, is this cannot go on, and catching the bus really isnt what I want, perhaps if Id lived longer, then yes, but not now.
I still havent loved, laid, dived, danced and lots of other things yet.
And it isnt the right order of things, I dont want my parent have to bury their child, when Im meant to bury them.
I'll Hold On Ms Pearce, Ill see you tomorrow.
No matter how hard I have to push, how many tears, or blood I have to shed, Ill be here tomorrow, and the next day as well.
I may cry, I may bleed, I may even burn, or possibly even OD, but I won't be dying by my hand this week.
As for the ones after that, well, each day as it comes. Ill post another promise next week.
For Bec, Emma, Ms Pearce, Alicia, Danielle, Hayley, Cassi, Rose, Lauren, Jill, Liam, Ms Duke, other teachers.
I love you all, and I hold on for you.
One day I will hold on for me, but right now, you'll all have to suffice.
I can see your love, and I know it exists, but right now I cant feel it. But one day I will, and it will be a blissful day when I do, and the happiest day I have in a long time.
Given that today was one of the hardest Ive had in a long time, equal if not exceeded by the trip to the city.
Very sincerely considered catching the bus, but managed to avoid it. Really didn't think I had a choice for a while though.
Almost completely withdrew today from Blondie, and others, which was hard. I didnt wanna bring them down, and just didnt see the point in talking about this when all it does is rouse concern.
Running out of methods and ideas, perhaps Ill go with Renae's idea.
Just suffer in pain and stop trying to look for perfects fixs.
At least itll make everyone else happier.
Seems whilst I often feel that catching the bus is the best for me, and is a thing I would do for me,
I thought of Blondie, and her young year 8 friend today, and realised that the little one wouldn't understand.
Something about her innocence struck a chord with me, and Ive held it to my breast for the past few hours.
I still want the pain to stop, but that is only natural.
If I can survive to Wednesday, which is near certain, then I think I have a plan to approach this meeting with Tom.
Something where we can both receive a lot of use from.
It needs to be mutually agreed, but Ive gotta do something.
Escitalopram didnt work, so I need to find an alternative anti-d.
If I can stabilise my mood, remove the bus from the table, and at least have a few good hours each day, then I can do this.
And if the CBT screws with me too much, then an agreement along the lines of not doing it until the 11th of November will have to be arranged, so Im not knocked off my perch each time.
That way I can get my head down and hard for the final few weeks of year 12, and at least do well in a few subjects, then perhaps, I shall return to REC next year, or not depending upon how well I do.
All I know, is this cannot go on, and catching the bus really isnt what I want, perhaps if Id lived longer, then yes, but not now.
I still havent loved, laid, dived, danced and lots of other things yet.
And it isnt the right order of things, I dont want my parent have to bury their child, when Im meant to bury them.
I'll Hold On Ms Pearce, Ill see you tomorrow.
No matter how hard I have to push, how many tears, or blood I have to shed, Ill be here tomorrow, and the next day as well.
I may cry, I may bleed, I may even burn, or possibly even OD, but I won't be dying by my hand this week.
As for the ones after that, well, each day as it comes. Ill post another promise next week.
For Bec, Emma, Ms Pearce, Alicia, Danielle, Hayley, Cassi, Rose, Lauren, Jill, Liam, Ms Duke, other teachers.
I love you all, and I hold on for you.
One day I will hold on for me, but right now, you'll all have to suffice.
I can see your love, and I know it exists, but right now I cant feel it. But one day I will, and it will be a blissful day when I do, and the happiest day I have in a long time.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Bad News for a Mate
Bad news for my mate,
This is getting worse and worse for her, and I am scared.
I dont know if she can hold on.
She feels she was little left to hold onto, and I dont know how to help her.
Im trying to give her hope, but she has lost it, and I cant really blame her given the situation.
I do wonder if she will be around for much longer.
Whilst seeming hypocritical, I dont want her to catch the bus, and leave me here at the bus stop,
I still dont know if Im going to catch the bus or go just home.
Shiny happy people would consider it ridiculous, but I dont.
I feel understand.
And if the situation was reversed, I may have caught the bus myself.
Society has its values the wrong way round, and it really needs to arrange it priorities better.
Well, if this continues down the path it is, it is clear to me that I shall no longer be in contact with my friend.
She will have gone where few willingly go, but where I too have tried to go, and where perhaps I too will go soon. I know not now.
Either way, I hope whatever she does brings her peace. If here is peace, that is splendid, and if it is in the promising blackness, then that too is understandable and good.
As long as she is happy, I know that I too can be happy for her.
Given the opportunity, yes perhaps I would intervene, or perhaps not.
It is not like a teenager doing this, it is someone who is in a position where physically, they will never do as they once did.
No, I would just stay with her. I just dont want her to leave alone, feeling lonely.
If it comes to it, that is what I would do.
As for laws, lock me up, but look at the mess Id be in, and could you do it to someone in such pain? perhaps, i know not., but perhaps I will soon.
She has felt alone for far too long, the medical system has missed countless things, and have taken there time in discovering things. 2 years even!
No, if I am asked, you will not go alone, provided it is a choice that you make, and it does not require me to do anything but be with you.
For people should be allowed to go with a face of love.
I will be that face for her if called upon.
For surely that should be a right. To die by someone who cares, even if they dont know you.
To radiate love to the suffering, and for them to know, that they are loved.
Well, those are my views, I pray that they are not put to the test, but I fear they may. But at the same time, I would prefer they be tested than for someone to have an agonising existence for all the wrong reasons. Existing for others has its limitations and this approaches such one.
Regardless of this, I care for you deeply friend.
I love you dear, whether I can visit you or not.
Dive True, Dive Deep, and Dive Long.
You are, and always will be, my fellow diver in arms,
Plunging fearlessly into the deep, to visit old friends, and new ones.
This is getting worse and worse for her, and I am scared.
I dont know if she can hold on.
She feels she was little left to hold onto, and I dont know how to help her.
Im trying to give her hope, but she has lost it, and I cant really blame her given the situation.
I do wonder if she will be around for much longer.
Whilst seeming hypocritical, I dont want her to catch the bus, and leave me here at the bus stop,
I still dont know if Im going to catch the bus or go just home.
Shiny happy people would consider it ridiculous, but I dont.
I feel understand.
And if the situation was reversed, I may have caught the bus myself.
Society has its values the wrong way round, and it really needs to arrange it priorities better.
Well, if this continues down the path it is, it is clear to me that I shall no longer be in contact with my friend.
She will have gone where few willingly go, but where I too have tried to go, and where perhaps I too will go soon. I know not now.
Either way, I hope whatever she does brings her peace. If here is peace, that is splendid, and if it is in the promising blackness, then that too is understandable and good.
As long as she is happy, I know that I too can be happy for her.
Given the opportunity, yes perhaps I would intervene, or perhaps not.
It is not like a teenager doing this, it is someone who is in a position where physically, they will never do as they once did.
No, I would just stay with her. I just dont want her to leave alone, feeling lonely.
If it comes to it, that is what I would do.
As for laws, lock me up, but look at the mess Id be in, and could you do it to someone in such pain? perhaps, i know not., but perhaps I will soon.
She has felt alone for far too long, the medical system has missed countless things, and have taken there time in discovering things. 2 years even!
No, if I am asked, you will not go alone, provided it is a choice that you make, and it does not require me to do anything but be with you.
For people should be allowed to go with a face of love.
I will be that face for her if called upon.
For surely that should be a right. To die by someone who cares, even if they dont know you.
To radiate love to the suffering, and for them to know, that they are loved.
Well, those are my views, I pray that they are not put to the test, but I fear they may. But at the same time, I would prefer they be tested than for someone to have an agonising existence for all the wrong reasons. Existing for others has its limitations and this approaches such one.
Regardless of this, I care for you deeply friend.
I love you dear, whether I can visit you or not.
Dive True, Dive Deep, and Dive Long.
You are, and always will be, my fellow diver in arms,
Plunging fearlessly into the deep, to visit old friends, and new ones.
Sharon Dredge
Seems little was achieved today with my meeting I decided upon.
So unless she instigates further contact that I agree with, it looks like this is sadly it.
I truly wish that things didnt turn out the way they have, yet I feel that it is my fault,
even though it is not me who did such things, who caused such pain to me.
Perhaps I went to far, and provided too much trust, too much power,
and she got too comfortable with the power.
It leaves me wondering if she ever really did truly care for me, as I did and still do for her.
Alas it is a sad time. I feel that whilst she did what she did, I am to blame, and I dont really
understand why it is my fault, but I feel it is.
She may never know what she has done to me, caused to occur, and what repercussions will occur from this.
But then again, for her conscience, perhaps it is better.
At least it is me who hurts, no someone else, perhaps I deserve this pain.
For such a thing to have occurred, its repercussions still I feel.
My trust is completely shattered, how am I expected to trust, when it continues to be broken,
it is a double edged sword. For if I trust, I risk it being broken and for its consequences.
If I do not, people may be concerned, and people may not longer trust me. Not trusting pains me greatly.
All I truly want is to know is that I can rely and trust someone completely.
Now I even suspect those who have been here since the beginning.
My friends who have never wronged me, are now being questioned, almost interrogated, to see if they give the slightest hint that they be untrustworthy. They dont deserve that, but that is what happens when someone who you trust with the truths about yourself, information that can destroy you completely, even cause your being to no longer exist, is found to not only have betrayed you, but to have looked you in the eye, and lied straight to your face on multiple occassions.
Yes, Sharon Dredge, a family member, an aunty, you have caused me great pain over your foolishness. And if your reading this, I hope you realise some of what damage has been done. Your facebook statuses indicate that you care not for what you've done, even rubbing salt into my wounds, which I might add was a foolish thing for anyone to do. In fact, if they are to be believed, your conscience is clean. Well Mrs Dredge, is it really?
There was any number of alternatives to have dealt with such a matter, for starters not lying. I have always said that such relationships must be a foundation of trust, well this one was a foundation of lies. Does this mean that everything you said meant nothing? Did you ever care and love me?
Do you care for me now? Or is it merely, as your facebook statuses suggest, that you have decided I am a hopeless case, and that you have done all you could and that now your conscience can be clean if anything should ever happen to me?
Everything you said and have done, is now questioned.
You were within my inner circle of trust. Perhaps only one or two others were closer, and only because my gut feeling was that something was not right.
I hate gut feelings, never more have I wished I was wrong, that my suspicions were false.
But they were proven true, and there is nothing for it now.
I still care deeply for you, perhaps thats what hurts me most. That I do not hate you, but am merely pained in a way I did not think was possible, this is a new level of agony, one of the deepest areas of the brain.
Can you truly not see my point of view?
Is it truly just one sided?
If you see it as such, than a fool you are indeed,
in your years, age has not brought you wisdom, it has clouded your judgement. If my short time on Earth taught me, is to not judge anyone until you know everything about them, and that there are more than 1 side to every story, countless ways to perceive a situation, reality itself.
I always stop and examine every point of view, and reason with it. I try to imagine why they did what they did, and how I may have performed in that situation to improve it. Its called cross examination. Its excellent, but can be torturous at times. This is how I forgave you after the last act of betrayal. Because if the rolls were reversed, I wouldve acted in a similar way. I wouldve been more careful at my approach, you did it aggressively which couldve ended in sadness, but it didnt.
So are you a fool Sharon Dredge?
Have you not tried to understand this, what your actions may have caused?
Or do you truly not give a fuck?
Cos at the moment, it seems that you couldnt care less.
That youd be happy to leave me to the cold, when I need people now most.
Are you, in the worst of the storm, the worst moments of life, the hardest times of my short life,
about to depart and leave me to deal with it if I can.
Let others deal with me?
For at the moment, I feel you, Tom and shrinkman are working against me, all so closed minded.
I feel I cant discuss things with you all, when after all your all meant to be only here in a 'supportive role'.
Instead, it is all threats, if you dont do what we say.
Well if thats the sake, you can suck on a cold one.
Im sick of looking over my shoulder, of being scared everyday, cos I might just feel a little better, only for someone to tell me that now I have to do something or else.
Do you know what shit that is?
Whenever I start getting on track, someone knocks me down, and yet Im expected to establish a healthy relationship and tell all?
That is fuckin impossible with this sort of bloody environment. Tom and Ken have little fuckin idea about this all, and whenever I try to say something, Im fuckin threatened or its used against me.
You wanna support, support, but dont control!
I was orginially told that I was in control, that is the biggest load of fuckin bullshit in the world.
The only one who has strived to give me control, who has stuck by me when all of you have been fuckin with my head is Ms. Pearce. A lifesaver by any other name. She's not only put up with my shit, but reduced my stress load, and been there when everyone else couldnt give a rats toss bag. You and the two twits dont get to see what everyone else does. Your the lucky ones.
Ms Pearce, my friends Blondie, Em, Alicia, Danielle, Lauren, etc, they arent so lucky. Theyve seen me when Im bad, theyve seen my head on the desk trying to hide from myself, trying to block out the pain.
Seen me with razors in my hand, blood on my skin, and tears in my eyes. Seen me dissolve into tears for hours on end, and seen my ups and downs. And never have they once turned away from me. They have tried to stem it all.
They have seen the days after meetings with twits who threaten, the pain and the replay of events.
The lack of sleep, the non eating for days, the lost look.
You rarely see it. Your lucky.
Then what about me, who has to put up with it 24/7?
You hear of it, you dont experience it.
The only one person who perhaps deserves the pain is me. But why I dont know.
So stop making fuckin decisions about things you dont know the full thing about.
You wanna get an idea about life in one of my angels shoes with me?
Then you can judge, then you can decide.
Yet ironically, Ms Pearce, knows more than most bar one, blondie.
Yet they have both kept quiet, have stood by me, given a shoulder to cry and a helping hand when i could not stand.
Sharon Dredge, you have hurt me so much, I smiled at you today, I try to keep you comfortable.
If I was ballsy, Id tell it like it is, tell you how youve hurt me, in a calm manner. But I dont want to hurt you, for I too will pay if you hurt for it.
You couldve acted in many ways, and did not have to lie.
You have created many more problems now, and my trust lay in tatters.
If you really do care for me, then you will tell me that.
And we will talk, and try to understand each other, but I dont know whether things will ever be the same.
I gave you a piece of me that I wish I didnt now, and you betrayed it in the worst ways possible, for no real clear reason, except for the fact that you thought you were doing good. For this you are an incredible fool.
I am not normally a spiteful person, but if you do read this, I fuckin hope it hurts you a little. Cos the tears, the lack of sleep, food, sickness, and study. That is how I paid, in emotional agony, physical pain, and other pains.
If it is possible to comprehend such pain I know not.
All I know, is that I have had people I care for die on me, and that didnt hurt as much. This is a different kettle of fish altogether. For when someone dies, it is over, the pain can get no greater, it is the cataclysmic pain and will fade with time
This pain, it is still growing, and it changes in intensity rapidly.
I dont know if this may have fucked my trust up forever, but I do know it has damaged it severely. If it were an injury, it would be classed as critical, approaching life-threatening.
Trust, is what is most needed for someone in my position. After all, if all lights go out on a dark lonely night, it is trust, that will cause me to call someone for assistance. To say, you know what, Im having a fuck of a day, and I dont know if I wanna face another. Trust that enables you to say, I trust this person enough to do what needs to be done.
Of all people, it was you, who was most likely to be called. Sharon Dredge, I would call you if I was in trouble. But now, what now? You just severed that and I dont know if it can be fixed. You made a foolish move more than once, the hospital trip itself was foolish, and I can tell you why. And this move, was plain fuckin idiotic. So who the fuck do I call when Im trouble?
Im sorry, Im not like everyone else who calls a crisis line, its not my thing. I require a connection with someone, to make that call. To know that person gives a shit about me. I felt that with you, you had and still do, have a way of making me feel cared for, something my mother was incapable of doing.
So what the fuck happens now? Huh, do I trust you, only to be informed upon again?
What the fuck happens it hurts too much, when all lights go out except one. That the darkness beckons so warmly and nicely, that offers an answer that fixes all my problems. That promises no more pain, no more sadness, no more tears, blood, betrayal, and promises this. That provides the ultimate answer?
The real answer lies with me, cos now, I am almost alone in this world.
I maybe fucked!
But that is up to me, but when my judgement is clouded, at least I know that you didnt give a fuck! That you obviously was more concerned about your own conscience, and covering your ass.
Perhaps you forgot about the times youve spoke with me on FB, wondering how bad I truly was.
Perhaps you forgot about the day you were so goddam worried about me, you broke my trust cos you cared and I nearly ended up on a 72 hour in the womens and childrens hospital?
No, well I havent, its fuckin replayed everyday.
So do you care Sharon?
Do you give a shit?
Do you still wish to know me?
Or have you let when the going gets tough?
If so, theres a fuckin door, take it and never look back, delete me from your FB contacts and pretend I dont exist,
Otherwise speak to me apologise, as I will of course, and lets clean this up. But dont expect it to come quick, and dont expect it to be an easy ride.
In the space of 1 hour, the greatest things I had were damaged, it will take much longer than 1 hour to fix them up.
Pain, is a way of life, if youve it to the end, you will probably be hurting, for this, I truly am sincerely sorry.
You mean a lot to me, and always will.
But spare a thought as to my pain as well. I dont pretend yours doesnt exist, I acknowledge that this is difficult on us all, but trust is the foundations of any relationship, take it away, and you have brickdust. Add trust, and you have a skyscraper
So unless she instigates further contact that I agree with, it looks like this is sadly it.
I truly wish that things didnt turn out the way they have, yet I feel that it is my fault,
even though it is not me who did such things, who caused such pain to me.
Perhaps I went to far, and provided too much trust, too much power,
and she got too comfortable with the power.
It leaves me wondering if she ever really did truly care for me, as I did and still do for her.
Alas it is a sad time. I feel that whilst she did what she did, I am to blame, and I dont really
understand why it is my fault, but I feel it is.
She may never know what she has done to me, caused to occur, and what repercussions will occur from this.
But then again, for her conscience, perhaps it is better.
At least it is me who hurts, no someone else, perhaps I deserve this pain.
For such a thing to have occurred, its repercussions still I feel.
My trust is completely shattered, how am I expected to trust, when it continues to be broken,
it is a double edged sword. For if I trust, I risk it being broken and for its consequences.
If I do not, people may be concerned, and people may not longer trust me. Not trusting pains me greatly.
All I truly want is to know is that I can rely and trust someone completely.
Now I even suspect those who have been here since the beginning.
My friends who have never wronged me, are now being questioned, almost interrogated, to see if they give the slightest hint that they be untrustworthy. They dont deserve that, but that is what happens when someone who you trust with the truths about yourself, information that can destroy you completely, even cause your being to no longer exist, is found to not only have betrayed you, but to have looked you in the eye, and lied straight to your face on multiple occassions.
Yes, Sharon Dredge, a family member, an aunty, you have caused me great pain over your foolishness. And if your reading this, I hope you realise some of what damage has been done. Your facebook statuses indicate that you care not for what you've done, even rubbing salt into my wounds, which I might add was a foolish thing for anyone to do. In fact, if they are to be believed, your conscience is clean. Well Mrs Dredge, is it really?
There was any number of alternatives to have dealt with such a matter, for starters not lying. I have always said that such relationships must be a foundation of trust, well this one was a foundation of lies. Does this mean that everything you said meant nothing? Did you ever care and love me?
Do you care for me now? Or is it merely, as your facebook statuses suggest, that you have decided I am a hopeless case, and that you have done all you could and that now your conscience can be clean if anything should ever happen to me?
Everything you said and have done, is now questioned.
You were within my inner circle of trust. Perhaps only one or two others were closer, and only because my gut feeling was that something was not right.
I hate gut feelings, never more have I wished I was wrong, that my suspicions were false.
But they were proven true, and there is nothing for it now.
I still care deeply for you, perhaps thats what hurts me most. That I do not hate you, but am merely pained in a way I did not think was possible, this is a new level of agony, one of the deepest areas of the brain.
Can you truly not see my point of view?
Is it truly just one sided?
If you see it as such, than a fool you are indeed,
in your years, age has not brought you wisdom, it has clouded your judgement. If my short time on Earth taught me, is to not judge anyone until you know everything about them, and that there are more than 1 side to every story, countless ways to perceive a situation, reality itself.
I always stop and examine every point of view, and reason with it. I try to imagine why they did what they did, and how I may have performed in that situation to improve it. Its called cross examination. Its excellent, but can be torturous at times. This is how I forgave you after the last act of betrayal. Because if the rolls were reversed, I wouldve acted in a similar way. I wouldve been more careful at my approach, you did it aggressively which couldve ended in sadness, but it didnt.
So are you a fool Sharon Dredge?
Have you not tried to understand this, what your actions may have caused?
Or do you truly not give a fuck?
Cos at the moment, it seems that you couldnt care less.
That youd be happy to leave me to the cold, when I need people now most.
Are you, in the worst of the storm, the worst moments of life, the hardest times of my short life,
about to depart and leave me to deal with it if I can.
Let others deal with me?
For at the moment, I feel you, Tom and shrinkman are working against me, all so closed minded.
I feel I cant discuss things with you all, when after all your all meant to be only here in a 'supportive role'.
Instead, it is all threats, if you dont do what we say.
Well if thats the sake, you can suck on a cold one.
Im sick of looking over my shoulder, of being scared everyday, cos I might just feel a little better, only for someone to tell me that now I have to do something or else.
Do you know what shit that is?
Whenever I start getting on track, someone knocks me down, and yet Im expected to establish a healthy relationship and tell all?
That is fuckin impossible with this sort of bloody environment. Tom and Ken have little fuckin idea about this all, and whenever I try to say something, Im fuckin threatened or its used against me.
You wanna support, support, but dont control!
I was orginially told that I was in control, that is the biggest load of fuckin bullshit in the world.
The only one who has strived to give me control, who has stuck by me when all of you have been fuckin with my head is Ms. Pearce. A lifesaver by any other name. She's not only put up with my shit, but reduced my stress load, and been there when everyone else couldnt give a rats toss bag. You and the two twits dont get to see what everyone else does. Your the lucky ones.
Ms Pearce, my friends Blondie, Em, Alicia, Danielle, Lauren, etc, they arent so lucky. Theyve seen me when Im bad, theyve seen my head on the desk trying to hide from myself, trying to block out the pain.
Seen me with razors in my hand, blood on my skin, and tears in my eyes. Seen me dissolve into tears for hours on end, and seen my ups and downs. And never have they once turned away from me. They have tried to stem it all.
They have seen the days after meetings with twits who threaten, the pain and the replay of events.
The lack of sleep, the non eating for days, the lost look.
You rarely see it. Your lucky.
Then what about me, who has to put up with it 24/7?
You hear of it, you dont experience it.
The only one person who perhaps deserves the pain is me. But why I dont know.
So stop making fuckin decisions about things you dont know the full thing about.
You wanna get an idea about life in one of my angels shoes with me?
Then you can judge, then you can decide.
Yet ironically, Ms Pearce, knows more than most bar one, blondie.
Yet they have both kept quiet, have stood by me, given a shoulder to cry and a helping hand when i could not stand.
Sharon Dredge, you have hurt me so much, I smiled at you today, I try to keep you comfortable.
If I was ballsy, Id tell it like it is, tell you how youve hurt me, in a calm manner. But I dont want to hurt you, for I too will pay if you hurt for it.
You couldve acted in many ways, and did not have to lie.
You have created many more problems now, and my trust lay in tatters.
If you really do care for me, then you will tell me that.
And we will talk, and try to understand each other, but I dont know whether things will ever be the same.
I gave you a piece of me that I wish I didnt now, and you betrayed it in the worst ways possible, for no real clear reason, except for the fact that you thought you were doing good. For this you are an incredible fool.
I am not normally a spiteful person, but if you do read this, I fuckin hope it hurts you a little. Cos the tears, the lack of sleep, food, sickness, and study. That is how I paid, in emotional agony, physical pain, and other pains.
If it is possible to comprehend such pain I know not.
All I know, is that I have had people I care for die on me, and that didnt hurt as much. This is a different kettle of fish altogether. For when someone dies, it is over, the pain can get no greater, it is the cataclysmic pain and will fade with time
This pain, it is still growing, and it changes in intensity rapidly.
I dont know if this may have fucked my trust up forever, but I do know it has damaged it severely. If it were an injury, it would be classed as critical, approaching life-threatening.
Trust, is what is most needed for someone in my position. After all, if all lights go out on a dark lonely night, it is trust, that will cause me to call someone for assistance. To say, you know what, Im having a fuck of a day, and I dont know if I wanna face another. Trust that enables you to say, I trust this person enough to do what needs to be done.
Of all people, it was you, who was most likely to be called. Sharon Dredge, I would call you if I was in trouble. But now, what now? You just severed that and I dont know if it can be fixed. You made a foolish move more than once, the hospital trip itself was foolish, and I can tell you why. And this move, was plain fuckin idiotic. So who the fuck do I call when Im trouble?
Im sorry, Im not like everyone else who calls a crisis line, its not my thing. I require a connection with someone, to make that call. To know that person gives a shit about me. I felt that with you, you had and still do, have a way of making me feel cared for, something my mother was incapable of doing.
So what the fuck happens now? Huh, do I trust you, only to be informed upon again?
What the fuck happens it hurts too much, when all lights go out except one. That the darkness beckons so warmly and nicely, that offers an answer that fixes all my problems. That promises no more pain, no more sadness, no more tears, blood, betrayal, and promises this. That provides the ultimate answer?
The real answer lies with me, cos now, I am almost alone in this world.
I maybe fucked!
But that is up to me, but when my judgement is clouded, at least I know that you didnt give a fuck! That you obviously was more concerned about your own conscience, and covering your ass.
Perhaps you forgot about the times youve spoke with me on FB, wondering how bad I truly was.
Perhaps you forgot about the day you were so goddam worried about me, you broke my trust cos you cared and I nearly ended up on a 72 hour in the womens and childrens hospital?
No, well I havent, its fuckin replayed everyday.
So do you care Sharon?
Do you give a shit?
Do you still wish to know me?
Or have you let when the going gets tough?
If so, theres a fuckin door, take it and never look back, delete me from your FB contacts and pretend I dont exist,
Otherwise speak to me apologise, as I will of course, and lets clean this up. But dont expect it to come quick, and dont expect it to be an easy ride.
In the space of 1 hour, the greatest things I had were damaged, it will take much longer than 1 hour to fix them up.
Pain, is a way of life, if youve it to the end, you will probably be hurting, for this, I truly am sincerely sorry.
You mean a lot to me, and always will.
But spare a thought as to my pain as well. I dont pretend yours doesnt exist, I acknowledge that this is difficult on us all, but trust is the foundations of any relationship, take it away, and you have brickdust. Add trust, and you have a skyscraper
Friday, August 5, 2011
The Limitations of Language in Emotive Expression
Sometimes there are few things we can say really, thats all language is, an attempt to explain things. Emotions perhaps are never really done much justice. How does one really explain and show someone how we truly feel using language? It is near impossible.
For example, someone may have any varying degrees of happiness.
Another prime example is the emotion depressed. The child who was beaten in school today may come home and say he feels depressed. Meanwhile, the man who puts a double barrel shotgun into his mouth and pulled the trigger, making a puree of his brain may have said the exact same thing moments before pulling the trigger.
So language really cant truly hope to fully emphasise emotions, perhaps it can to closer degrees now with the larger vocabulary in each language, but it is all merely subjective and often changes from day to day. One person can explain the exact same emotion and feeling completely different, therefore complicating the matter even further. And unless there is a standardisation of emotional expressive language, which with my own admission is foolish and reduces the people's rights to creative expression and freedom, then emotions can not really be done justice. I guess perhaps non verbal language is more useful, though that too can be controlled by anyone who is skillfull at reading body language and manipulating it, a fascinating area in itself. I guess a combination is equally useful and we all pick up non verbal ques. It all comes down to purpose, reasoning and aims of the emotive expression. Since individual susceptability to different emotive responses varies as the weather does, this itself provides another issue. Someone may react deeply grieved one day and the following day, the same event or trigger may trigger a defensive, aggressive response.
But such is the limitations of verbal and non-verbal language. Where deception is common, misinterpretation a distinct possibility, and individual variability, a factor to contend with.
For example, someone may have any varying degrees of happiness.
Another prime example is the emotion depressed. The child who was beaten in school today may come home and say he feels depressed. Meanwhile, the man who puts a double barrel shotgun into his mouth and pulled the trigger, making a puree of his brain may have said the exact same thing moments before pulling the trigger.
So language really cant truly hope to fully emphasise emotions, perhaps it can to closer degrees now with the larger vocabulary in each language, but it is all merely subjective and often changes from day to day. One person can explain the exact same emotion and feeling completely different, therefore complicating the matter even further. And unless there is a standardisation of emotional expressive language, which with my own admission is foolish and reduces the people's rights to creative expression and freedom, then emotions can not really be done justice. I guess perhaps non verbal language is more useful, though that too can be controlled by anyone who is skillfull at reading body language and manipulating it, a fascinating area in itself. I guess a combination is equally useful and we all pick up non verbal ques. It all comes down to purpose, reasoning and aims of the emotive expression. Since individual susceptability to different emotive responses varies as the weather does, this itself provides another issue. Someone may react deeply grieved one day and the following day, the same event or trigger may trigger a defensive, aggressive response.
But such is the limitations of verbal and non-verbal language. Where deception is common, misinterpretation a distinct possibility, and individual variability, a factor to contend with.
Monday, August 1, 2011
The Battle for control of Dion's mind
Ok, it may sound weird, creepy or strange, but I can actually see the two major factions of my mind going to war right now.
Some background information first.
I have suspected for a while that my mind is divided into various thought processes. Almost like a separate personality, but not in the extreme sense of the phrase.
Well, today I finally have the proof.
After a conversation with Ms Pearce where I said much more than I wanted, I quickly fell out of the sky, and 10 minutes later, I had a pair of scissors in my hand in biology, and was honestly considering plunging them into my chest. I very nearly did. Instead, I decided I would wait until I got home and then I would slash myself and hopefully meet a timely demise. Hence, reducing mess and trauma at school. I acknowledged that I was feeling very bad, and noticed I was counting down to my date later today.
Instead, my mood flipped in a very short time.
It actually felt different, and I noticed that whilst suicide still seemed half decent, I no longer felt I didn't have a choice, but felt that whilst my circumstances were not pleasant, I wanted to go to sleep, and death wasn't sleep.
Don't get me wrong, suicide and death even now still seem rather sweet, but my whole view on things was different. I was open to talking and to suggestions and was less negative and sensitive.
Hell, I was even certain that I had to tell all to Tom and the Shrink later this week. Now that is a massive change.
Clearly this was not just a mood change, but a part of my cognition that was rational.
Perhaps we all have a rational and irrational side of our cognition and thinking and that when we are healthy, the rational side tends to dominate.
But when we become unwell, in which the psyche is affected, the irrational side perhaps tend to dominate.
Whilst in myself, I think that may fit, I don't like that hypothesis, mainly because it indicates that in unwell people, ok-such as myself, intervention is almost certainly warranted, even when that person chooses to refuse it.
Perhaps that is why the Mental Health Act of 2009 is written as it is. Yes, I have read it all, and tend to think there are a number of flaws, and that it tends to increase stigmatisation of psychological illnesses. I might add, whilst parts are interesting for someone of my position, especially so I know my rights and what I have to hold my tongue on, much of it is a political bunch of crap that smell suspiciously of a someone who either is rather cold and is a medical doctor, or someone who is being directed by a doctor, but has written it themselves.
Well, thats how I see it anyway, and think that it parts, there is a high chance of the act being abused and thus it being utilised when it should not.
Meh, anyway, I can feel my two sides battling out right now in a battle to win.
I wonder if it will be stalemated or if one will arise triumphant. The negative, irrational side has been winning way too much, and the more it wins, the weaker I feel, and the stronger the chance that the war is lost.
Well, just a load of bullshit Ive waffled on about anyway, but my thoughts and observations anyway.
Can really feel my punishments from talking to the teacher today, absolutely killing me.
Haha, the joy of a few minutes enjoyment.
Blood, gallons of the stuff!
Some background information first.
I have suspected for a while that my mind is divided into various thought processes. Almost like a separate personality, but not in the extreme sense of the phrase.
Well, today I finally have the proof.
After a conversation with Ms Pearce where I said much more than I wanted, I quickly fell out of the sky, and 10 minutes later, I had a pair of scissors in my hand in biology, and was honestly considering plunging them into my chest. I very nearly did. Instead, I decided I would wait until I got home and then I would slash myself and hopefully meet a timely demise. Hence, reducing mess and trauma at school. I acknowledged that I was feeling very bad, and noticed I was counting down to my date later today.
Instead, my mood flipped in a very short time.
It actually felt different, and I noticed that whilst suicide still seemed half decent, I no longer felt I didn't have a choice, but felt that whilst my circumstances were not pleasant, I wanted to go to sleep, and death wasn't sleep.
Don't get me wrong, suicide and death even now still seem rather sweet, but my whole view on things was different. I was open to talking and to suggestions and was less negative and sensitive.
Hell, I was even certain that I had to tell all to Tom and the Shrink later this week. Now that is a massive change.
Clearly this was not just a mood change, but a part of my cognition that was rational.
Perhaps we all have a rational and irrational side of our cognition and thinking and that when we are healthy, the rational side tends to dominate.
But when we become unwell, in which the psyche is affected, the irrational side perhaps tend to dominate.
Whilst in myself, I think that may fit, I don't like that hypothesis, mainly because it indicates that in unwell people, ok-such as myself, intervention is almost certainly warranted, even when that person chooses to refuse it.
Perhaps that is why the Mental Health Act of 2009 is written as it is. Yes, I have read it all, and tend to think there are a number of flaws, and that it tends to increase stigmatisation of psychological illnesses. I might add, whilst parts are interesting for someone of my position, especially so I know my rights and what I have to hold my tongue on, much of it is a political bunch of crap that smell suspiciously of a someone who either is rather cold and is a medical doctor, or someone who is being directed by a doctor, but has written it themselves.
Well, thats how I see it anyway, and think that it parts, there is a high chance of the act being abused and thus it being utilised when it should not.
Meh, anyway, I can feel my two sides battling out right now in a battle to win.
I wonder if it will be stalemated or if one will arise triumphant. The negative, irrational side has been winning way too much, and the more it wins, the weaker I feel, and the stronger the chance that the war is lost.
Well, just a load of bullshit Ive waffled on about anyway, but my thoughts and observations anyway.
Can really feel my punishments from talking to the teacher today, absolutely killing me.
Haha, the joy of a few minutes enjoyment.
Blood, gallons of the stuff!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
It seems I can not get a good day, perhaps it isnt allowed by some weird coincidence.
It started out iffy, I had a tough night, on account of me finding out information about a friend that even now, I am struggling to deal with and am scared about. To make it worse, that information is likely to cause major concern for me for many weeks to come. So it looks like an emotional rollercoaster is in order.
Had a reasonable day, and now Iv fallen out of the sky. I want to be left alone, but suspect I know what may happen if that does happen. I would kill to bleed now, but too many people around, but I may go out later to relax. Perhaps a trip to the Jetty is in order, whether I come back from it, well that would be likely, but who knows. Doubt itll happen though.
Being forced into meeting with the youthlink worker is not helping, and my conversations with the shrink have continued to plague me. It looks like itll be a night of flashbacks and mental torture. I dont know how many times I can dissassemble these events and examine them. I never want to hear the word hospital again, or medical at the moment.
Given a sufficient bad mood, I wonder how desperate I could become, perhaps enough to follow tash.
Doubt it though, Im too weak, and I am disgusting to think of.
The fact I can even think of hurting everyone is horrible, but sometimes it seems like there is only one path, and that the abyss looks warm, comforting and totally pain free. A match made in death. mmm.
I still dont know why I cant just succeed in su, but I am either self sabotaging, too ambivalent to do it properly, perhaps too distressed to correctly do it, or just an idiot.
Probably all of them at once.
Haha, I cant do much right, cant even dance reaper style.
Some perhaps say it was fate, god will, or something like that.
I wish I could believe that, but I think its just tosh, to try to either keep me going, make me feel guilty, and I cant see that from this hole.
Its not like I havent tried, hell Iv tried. But I just dont see it.
Guess life is hard, but so is death.
There is still so much I want to do, but I cant believe it, but I would almost visit su just to not do wednesday, but what does that say about me?
Clearly that I may be fucked up beyond all repair.
If so, dont put me through the embarrassment of trying to stop me.
Ah, shit I dont know, I wont get homework done, Im on the brink of losing a good mate, and I feel like I cant do much about it, but Ill fuckin hate myself for it if I dont do something. Dam, its a moral argument, that many would only see one sided, but I see both sides, and do understand.
It started out iffy, I had a tough night, on account of me finding out information about a friend that even now, I am struggling to deal with and am scared about. To make it worse, that information is likely to cause major concern for me for many weeks to come. So it looks like an emotional rollercoaster is in order.
Had a reasonable day, and now Iv fallen out of the sky. I want to be left alone, but suspect I know what may happen if that does happen. I would kill to bleed now, but too many people around, but I may go out later to relax. Perhaps a trip to the Jetty is in order, whether I come back from it, well that would be likely, but who knows. Doubt itll happen though.
Being forced into meeting with the youthlink worker is not helping, and my conversations with the shrink have continued to plague me. It looks like itll be a night of flashbacks and mental torture. I dont know how many times I can dissassemble these events and examine them. I never want to hear the word hospital again, or medical at the moment.
Given a sufficient bad mood, I wonder how desperate I could become, perhaps enough to follow tash.
Doubt it though, Im too weak, and I am disgusting to think of.
The fact I can even think of hurting everyone is horrible, but sometimes it seems like there is only one path, and that the abyss looks warm, comforting and totally pain free. A match made in death. mmm.
I still dont know why I cant just succeed in su, but I am either self sabotaging, too ambivalent to do it properly, perhaps too distressed to correctly do it, or just an idiot.
Probably all of them at once.
Haha, I cant do much right, cant even dance reaper style.
Some perhaps say it was fate, god will, or something like that.
I wish I could believe that, but I think its just tosh, to try to either keep me going, make me feel guilty, and I cant see that from this hole.
Its not like I havent tried, hell Iv tried. But I just dont see it.
Guess life is hard, but so is death.
There is still so much I want to do, but I cant believe it, but I would almost visit su just to not do wednesday, but what does that say about me?
Clearly that I may be fucked up beyond all repair.
If so, dont put me through the embarrassment of trying to stop me.
Ah, shit I dont know, I wont get homework done, Im on the brink of losing a good mate, and I feel like I cant do much about it, but Ill fuckin hate myself for it if I dont do something. Dam, its a moral argument, that many would only see one sided, but I see both sides, and do understand.
Friday, July 29, 2011
NAILED and Despair
Well what do you know, it seems I've been fucked again. Seems that since I've been avoiding the shrink and social worker, they've decided they'd tell me I didn't have a choice, and that I have to meet with them next week, or they'll tell my Dad.
Yea, to say I'm fucked off is the biggest understatement in the world. Funny, cos I was having a good day, I bet you its fucked my weekend.
Yea, terrific, make me feel even more trapped than before, yea, don't worry, Dion will be fine, we'll just make him more edgy, make him more paranoid, and make him not trust anyone anymore. Well, by forcing me is one way to cause major problems.
But its fine, I promise I won't heed any fucking well bloody urges!
HA! What a fuckin joke. I ignored some of those killer urges, now give me a reason to fuckin heed them ay. Something to dread next week like all hell.
Yeah, I was getting homework done before, now Im overcome with despair and I can see that Im gonna split apart soon. Wish everyone would leave the house, I only want peace quiet.
I just want a bloody hug now, Im sooo scared. Cos if I tell Tom everything, then I may get bloody well hospitalised, something that whilst perhaps good for me, will scare me to death and may make it worse-it cant get much worse and Id sooner not be talking with Su more than I already am.
But if I tell Tom too less, then he may get to suss anyway. So I hope I can keep my tongue guarded, or else either repercusion will be undesirable.
So upset, not even anger, just trapped, and intense sadness, I just want to hide and for them to leave me alone. I was doing a little better the past 2 days, still tough, but productive in homework which was good, now there is a good chance that a spanner with be thrown into the works again. And I dont know how much Im gonna end up taking. Hell, I know whats gone on this past week, how long till I dont quit, till I am so far off the edge that I fall to my death?
Im trying to reduce the already mounting stress on me, but it seems the universe is bloody conspiring against me.
Please, why can they not just leave it alone, I dont care whether theres a mandated responsibility, moral responsibility or just cos you care, some things are best to be left for a while. If Im wrong, then soon I wont be posting, if Im right, then Ill come to my senses and reach out again, and perhaps climb out of this pit of despair and utter hopelessness Im in now.
Well, either way, there is only one or 2 ways I can relieve this now, and I tell you what, flames are hot, razors are sweet, but pills, hmm well, theyre painless.
Better than any the alternative anyway.
Yea, to say I'm fucked off is the biggest understatement in the world. Funny, cos I was having a good day, I bet you its fucked my weekend.
Yea, terrific, make me feel even more trapped than before, yea, don't worry, Dion will be fine, we'll just make him more edgy, make him more paranoid, and make him not trust anyone anymore. Well, by forcing me is one way to cause major problems.
But its fine, I promise I won't heed any fucking well bloody urges!
HA! What a fuckin joke. I ignored some of those killer urges, now give me a reason to fuckin heed them ay. Something to dread next week like all hell.
Yeah, I was getting homework done before, now Im overcome with despair and I can see that Im gonna split apart soon. Wish everyone would leave the house, I only want peace quiet.
I just want a bloody hug now, Im sooo scared. Cos if I tell Tom everything, then I may get bloody well hospitalised, something that whilst perhaps good for me, will scare me to death and may make it worse-it cant get much worse and Id sooner not be talking with Su more than I already am.
But if I tell Tom too less, then he may get to suss anyway. So I hope I can keep my tongue guarded, or else either repercusion will be undesirable.
So upset, not even anger, just trapped, and intense sadness, I just want to hide and for them to leave me alone. I was doing a little better the past 2 days, still tough, but productive in homework which was good, now there is a good chance that a spanner with be thrown into the works again. And I dont know how much Im gonna end up taking. Hell, I know whats gone on this past week, how long till I dont quit, till I am so far off the edge that I fall to my death?
Im trying to reduce the already mounting stress on me, but it seems the universe is bloody conspiring against me.
Please, why can they not just leave it alone, I dont care whether theres a mandated responsibility, moral responsibility or just cos you care, some things are best to be left for a while. If Im wrong, then soon I wont be posting, if Im right, then Ill come to my senses and reach out again, and perhaps climb out of this pit of despair and utter hopelessness Im in now.
Well, either way, there is only one or 2 ways I can relieve this now, and I tell you what, flames are hot, razors are sweet, but pills, hmm well, theyre painless.
Better than any the alternative anyway.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Weird day today,
Was ok this morning, quickly hit post UMAT blues.
Mixed feelings in biology, was good, then bad, and a continuous repetition as something inside awoke that I thought was gone. It seems that the part of me the wants to live awoke and decided to throw a tantrum. It seemed a vicious fight was being fought inside, it no longer seems my death is imminent, though whilst the living part of me is bigger than the dying portion, the dying portion is far stronger it seems.
Well, either way, it made my day weird.
For most of my double free, I cried a lot. Then finished it off by writing some of my biology essay up on adolescents and antidepressants-ironic I know.
Quickly followed by a downhill slide which continued for a bit through the chem test-groan, but rather easy.
Then decided I would head down to frets and pick up a few picks which improved mood drastically.
Had a stuff round on the ax, then ended up mulling some homework over, and hey, done, presto, finished it.
Now I've finally tidied up google chrome's bookmarks.
Had a rather interesting but disturbing discussion with Sharon. I really and unintentionally pushed her too much, by asking way too many questions that weren't easy. I may have said too much, I think she snapped, and I went into a diarrhea of the mouth, but not in a nasty way. Having looked back over what I wrote, I may regret that badly tomorrow. Especially if she gets iffy on it, which may cause tremendous head aches at the least, and at worst, well not being able to post for a while, which may cause a more permanent change-eg, it pushes me too far.
Well, I don't know, I don't think she will, I'd prefer her to at least speak to me first, so at least it gives me a chance to accept it a little better, rather than springing it upon me and nailing me to the wall so to speak, which is more likely to cause a major blade artery response, if i ever can find the bastards.
Anyway, overall, whilst not a good day, pretty productive, I am tempted to continue working all night whilst Im on a role, hell, Ive got at least 48 caffeine tablets left. Having said that, I still recall what 15 does to you......shiver.
Was ok this morning, quickly hit post UMAT blues.
Mixed feelings in biology, was good, then bad, and a continuous repetition as something inside awoke that I thought was gone. It seems that the part of me the wants to live awoke and decided to throw a tantrum. It seemed a vicious fight was being fought inside, it no longer seems my death is imminent, though whilst the living part of me is bigger than the dying portion, the dying portion is far stronger it seems.
Well, either way, it made my day weird.
For most of my double free, I cried a lot. Then finished it off by writing some of my biology essay up on adolescents and antidepressants-ironic I know.
Quickly followed by a downhill slide which continued for a bit through the chem test-groan, but rather easy.
Then decided I would head down to frets and pick up a few picks which improved mood drastically.
Had a stuff round on the ax, then ended up mulling some homework over, and hey, done, presto, finished it.
Now I've finally tidied up google chrome's bookmarks.
Had a rather interesting but disturbing discussion with Sharon. I really and unintentionally pushed her too much, by asking way too many questions that weren't easy. I may have said too much, I think she snapped, and I went into a diarrhea of the mouth, but not in a nasty way. Having looked back over what I wrote, I may regret that badly tomorrow. Especially if she gets iffy on it, which may cause tremendous head aches at the least, and at worst, well not being able to post for a while, which may cause a more permanent change-eg, it pushes me too far.
Well, I don't know, I don't think she will, I'd prefer her to at least speak to me first, so at least it gives me a chance to accept it a little better, rather than springing it upon me and nailing me to the wall so to speak, which is more likely to cause a major blade artery response, if i ever can find the bastards.
Anyway, overall, whilst not a good day, pretty productive, I am tempted to continue working all night whilst Im on a role, hell, Ive got at least 48 caffeine tablets left. Having said that, I still recall what 15 does to you......shiver.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Guilt Tripping
What the fuck is it with people and guilt tripping people in pain.
NEWSFLASH
If someone is considering killing themselves, guilt tripping them is NOT a good idea.
As for the argument of, what about everyone else?
When someone is like this, it is generally not a good idea to say this.
This is because, the person in severe pain is likely aware of it, but the pain outweighs anything.
It is like nothing imaginable.
In fact, by doing this, you maybe helping to push them off of life's little edge.
I know this from personal experience.
"Dion, your being selfish", yep thats right say that to me one more time, and I'll pull out the razor here and now and rip it hard and good just to make a point I am not joking.
The guilts is not a good idea.
In fact, little is worse, unless you pulled up a deck chair and said, go for it buddy. I'm sure youll put on a great show.
So Please! Don't give them more reason to do it.
My mother, friends, family, etc have done the same thing. Instead of stopping me, I fuckin well tried hard, but alas, I am a failure.
So for fuck's sake, DO NOT, guilt trip, or bring up things related.
I don't wanna hear it, there's a fair chance the person in pain doesn't, and I'll put my money on the fact that you don't want one of those calls on a lovely Sunday morning about what happened to your mate.
Sincerely,
The Guy who hears this a lot
NEWSFLASH
If someone is considering killing themselves, guilt tripping them is NOT a good idea.
As for the argument of, what about everyone else?
When someone is like this, it is generally not a good idea to say this.
This is because, the person in severe pain is likely aware of it, but the pain outweighs anything.
It is like nothing imaginable.
In fact, by doing this, you maybe helping to push them off of life's little edge.
I know this from personal experience.
"Dion, your being selfish", yep thats right say that to me one more time, and I'll pull out the razor here and now and rip it hard and good just to make a point I am not joking.
The guilts is not a good idea.
In fact, little is worse, unless you pulled up a deck chair and said, go for it buddy. I'm sure youll put on a great show.
but why at all? WHY?????? Have you ever had
>someone close to you commit suicide? Do you know how that feels???
>What makes you think you have the right to make someone else feel that
>way....so you say that no one would care. What about the people who
>find you afterwards? Even if they don't care, how do you think seeing
>a dead body would make them feel? If you're saying "Good! I hope it
>makes them feel bad", then you're offing yourself out of spite and
>that's just stupid. I have hit rock bottom before. I won't go into it,
>but I know you're thinking..."If this person is against suicide, then
>this person has never hit bottom." Whatever. If you people can't pick
>yourselves up and stop being selfish to the world around you, then
>maybe we're better off without you after all.
>What makes you think you have the right to make someone else feel that
>way....so you say that no one would care. What about the people who
>find you afterwards? Even if they don't care, how do you think seeing
>a dead body would make them feel? If you're saying "Good! I hope it
>makes them feel bad", then you're offing yourself out of spite and
>that's just stupid. I have hit rock bottom before. I won't go into it,
>but I know you're thinking..."If this person is against suicide, then
>this person has never hit bottom." Whatever. If you people can't pick
>yourselves up and stop being selfish to the world around you, then
>maybe we're better off without you after all.
This nutcase posted this on the newsgroup alt suicide holidays.
Great, so the guy who wasn't certain of death, has now been made to feel worse.
What a bastard.
"maybe we're better off without you"
I would like to give the prick a shot at living in the poor sufferers shoes.
Yes, it is bloody horrible what suicide does to families, but surely you want to prevent it? Not give more ammo for the guy.
Yes, if you insist on intervention, it need be done carefully, with every care and thought for the person in pain. Showing copious amounts of empathy, even if they're being a bastard.
So Please! Don't give them more reason to do it.
My mother, friends, family, etc have done the same thing. Instead of stopping me, I fuckin well tried hard, but alas, I am a failure.
So for fuck's sake, DO NOT, guilt trip, or bring up things related.
I don't wanna hear it, there's a fair chance the person in pain doesn't, and I'll put my money on the fact that you don't want one of those calls on a lovely Sunday morning about what happened to your mate.
Sincerely,
The Guy who hears this a lot
Pain
Just what is pain?
Is it a mere figment of imagination, created to cause care.
Is it a physiological response to a stimulus to help protect the bodies welfare from potentially harmful situations?
Or is it something else?
But none of these would psychological pain, only physical pain.
And either way, it is very difficult to alleviate both forms of pain.
For example, to overcome the pain in a cut, one could use ice, an ointment, or something else.
But it is only a pain reliever, not a pain avoider.
How can we avoid pain?
So we can continue on with out tasks.
Those tasks may be manual labor, recreational pursuits, or even succeeding in a final exit strategy.
Overcoming pain, seems to be a virtually impossible task, perhaps only done through sheer mind power.
I don't know, but pain excites me and perplexes me.
It is both beautiful and horrible.
It both inhibits and assists in life.
And I love it and hate it.
Is it a mere figment of imagination, created to cause care.
Is it a physiological response to a stimulus to help protect the bodies welfare from potentially harmful situations?
Or is it something else?
But none of these would psychological pain, only physical pain.
And either way, it is very difficult to alleviate both forms of pain.
For example, to overcome the pain in a cut, one could use ice, an ointment, or something else.
But it is only a pain reliever, not a pain avoider.
How can we avoid pain?
So we can continue on with out tasks.
Those tasks may be manual labor, recreational pursuits, or even succeeding in a final exit strategy.
Overcoming pain, seems to be a virtually impossible task, perhaps only done through sheer mind power.
I don't know, but pain excites me and perplexes me.
It is both beautiful and horrible.
It both inhibits and assists in life.
And I love it and hate it.
Monday, July 25, 2011
A Trip to the W&CH and some of its repercussions
I do not understand this.
After an event which involved a trip to the Womens and Childrens Hospital,
I felt betrayed.
Now whilst I understood everyone's reasoning for what they did, and would myself, probably have done the same thing, it does not mean I liked it.
Thankfully, I managed to avoid a 72 hour hold by some quick thinking and smooth talking, as well as a bit of luck, but who am I really kidding.
Anyway, this was some weeks ago now.
But I still cannot help but feel I was badly betrayed, and whilst I have forgiven those who partook in what resulted in the trip, it seems I cannot let it go, no matter how hard I try.
I cannot stop thinking about it, it haunts me day and night and I have analysed the situation and various offshoots of it countless times.
Anything that is slightly associated with the medical profession reminds me of it and then I am stuck on it again.
It is frustrating me, because since this, my sleeping, exercise, study, eating and most other habits have seemingly gone rather bad. Worse than before. Crash dieting has gone crazy, as has binge eating, study barely exists, same with exercise, and sleeping, well it is disturbed and mainly involves trying to shut my head up cos its thinking about it all.
Not only that, it seems my trust level, which I thought had recovered, has not done so. In fact, I've only just realised that I've continued to withdraw from people and life itself. I had managed to halt much of this prior to the event occurring.
I had hoped that whilst I was scared shitless, that perhaps it may help me, or remind me what was at stake. Instead, all I feel has happened is everything has steadily gotten worse. I stopped the cutting for a while, but recently has popped back up, as has the uptake of burning, and the abuse of OTC medications.
I don't know how such an event could trigger so much. Why has it affected me so much. Yes, I have a fear of hospitals, but why did I have to react like this?
To top it off, I often feel really sick in my stomach and more than not end up in tears because I still feel that people who I really truly trusted, broke that trust. It feels like I have been violated badly, and I don't know how I can feel that way. After all, these people really just gave a shit, and thought that something may happen, and rightly so.
I guess part of it is because it occurred on a Friday night, when it was established fact among the main person involved that I would not be alone till the Saturday night, and then I would have 24 hours to myself.
As it so happened, it was pure luck that nothing arose on that Saturday night. I wanted to, and was all planned out, but lacked the energy and ended up running out of time, and I guess that I may have been more ambivalent about it then I thought.
Anyway, the fact remains that I'm still terrified that a visit back there may occur, probably because it is apparent that things are getting worse and sometimes it seems that there nothing left.
It is also true that whatever the reason, since that day, I cannot stop thinking of it, and it has driven me to the brink too many times. I would prefer not to play such roulette with such a stupid event.
Furthermore, my main confidant, who may or may not have been involved (she says she had no part in it, and whilst I believe her, one or 2 things don't add up-more interrogation necessary), has been largely shut off by me. I don't want it to happen, but I no longer know who to trust, even though I know that if it came to it, I would do what had to be done to keep someone here.
The reality is, I can trust no one, since if people do believe that they're talking to me for what maybe the last time, they may feel compelled to act, after all no one wants those kind of regrets.
But if I don't trust someone, then there is little hope for me, and my days are incredibly limited, probably measured in days, not years.
I know not what I should do, many believe it is a straight forward answer, but they are fools.
Nothing is black and white. Not even suicide.
After an event which involved a trip to the Womens and Childrens Hospital,
I felt betrayed.
Now whilst I understood everyone's reasoning for what they did, and would myself, probably have done the same thing, it does not mean I liked it.
Thankfully, I managed to avoid a 72 hour hold by some quick thinking and smooth talking, as well as a bit of luck, but who am I really kidding.
Anyway, this was some weeks ago now.
But I still cannot help but feel I was badly betrayed, and whilst I have forgiven those who partook in what resulted in the trip, it seems I cannot let it go, no matter how hard I try.
I cannot stop thinking about it, it haunts me day and night and I have analysed the situation and various offshoots of it countless times.
Anything that is slightly associated with the medical profession reminds me of it and then I am stuck on it again.
It is frustrating me, because since this, my sleeping, exercise, study, eating and most other habits have seemingly gone rather bad. Worse than before. Crash dieting has gone crazy, as has binge eating, study barely exists, same with exercise, and sleeping, well it is disturbed and mainly involves trying to shut my head up cos its thinking about it all.
Not only that, it seems my trust level, which I thought had recovered, has not done so. In fact, I've only just realised that I've continued to withdraw from people and life itself. I had managed to halt much of this prior to the event occurring.
I had hoped that whilst I was scared shitless, that perhaps it may help me, or remind me what was at stake. Instead, all I feel has happened is everything has steadily gotten worse. I stopped the cutting for a while, but recently has popped back up, as has the uptake of burning, and the abuse of OTC medications.
I don't know how such an event could trigger so much. Why has it affected me so much. Yes, I have a fear of hospitals, but why did I have to react like this?
To top it off, I often feel really sick in my stomach and more than not end up in tears because I still feel that people who I really truly trusted, broke that trust. It feels like I have been violated badly, and I don't know how I can feel that way. After all, these people really just gave a shit, and thought that something may happen, and rightly so.
I guess part of it is because it occurred on a Friday night, when it was established fact among the main person involved that I would not be alone till the Saturday night, and then I would have 24 hours to myself.
As it so happened, it was pure luck that nothing arose on that Saturday night. I wanted to, and was all planned out, but lacked the energy and ended up running out of time, and I guess that I may have been more ambivalent about it then I thought.
Anyway, the fact remains that I'm still terrified that a visit back there may occur, probably because it is apparent that things are getting worse and sometimes it seems that there nothing left.
It is also true that whatever the reason, since that day, I cannot stop thinking of it, and it has driven me to the brink too many times. I would prefer not to play such roulette with such a stupid event.
Furthermore, my main confidant, who may or may not have been involved (she says she had no part in it, and whilst I believe her, one or 2 things don't add up-more interrogation necessary), has been largely shut off by me. I don't want it to happen, but I no longer know who to trust, even though I know that if it came to it, I would do what had to be done to keep someone here.
The reality is, I can trust no one, since if people do believe that they're talking to me for what maybe the last time, they may feel compelled to act, after all no one wants those kind of regrets.
But if I don't trust someone, then there is little hope for me, and my days are incredibly limited, probably measured in days, not years.
I know not what I should do, many believe it is a straight forward answer, but they are fools.
Nothing is black and white. Not even suicide.
The Meaning of Life
Many people spend many years searching and pondering the meaning of life.
I am one of those people and for countless years, I have spent thousands of hours pondering this.
From as young as I could remember, I pondered this.
At first, I believed in religion, and considered that there must be a divine meaning to it, that would become more apparent at a later stage.
Then, I became disenchanted with religion, having seen too much pain and the like and came to the conclusion that there must be no divine meaning, but a meaning somewhere else.
So then I searched elsewhere, exerting much effort to find it.
It was only this year that I came to the realisation about the meaning of life and living.
Unfortunately it was at a time that I was slipping into a bottomless pit I have yet to climb out of, and the realisation only made things worse.
I realised that there is indeed no meaning of life.
No reason for being.
That in 100 years or so, we would not be living and probably not remembered.
That the human race is failing and what we do today, tomorrow, in a decade, ultimately come to mean absolutely nothing.
That nothing means anything.
Life as we know it, life on earth, the very existence of life is mere chance.
That the evolution of life, the creation of DNA, is a chance.
That at the end of our life, it all comes down to nothing.
That there is no afterlife, no peaceful place.
Whilst these thoughts may hurt many people's ideals, they are of course my views and observations, and what I hold to be true.
For me, this begs the question, what is the point of continuing such a monotonous and pointless existence when nothing counts?
Nothing matters?
I don't know, and I am unsure whether I wish to continue such an existence.
After all, if you were to not see a purpose in playing a sport, because it was impossible to win, many would leave the sport. Of course, some would continue to play the game, for the love of the game.
I don't know which of them I am.
But the fact remains, that since my realisation of this, my life has been drastically affected by it, and I cannot hope to get better until I get around this, or I shall fade to nothing.
I am one of those people and for countless years, I have spent thousands of hours pondering this.
From as young as I could remember, I pondered this.
At first, I believed in religion, and considered that there must be a divine meaning to it, that would become more apparent at a later stage.
Then, I became disenchanted with religion, having seen too much pain and the like and came to the conclusion that there must be no divine meaning, but a meaning somewhere else.
So then I searched elsewhere, exerting much effort to find it.
It was only this year that I came to the realisation about the meaning of life and living.
Unfortunately it was at a time that I was slipping into a bottomless pit I have yet to climb out of, and the realisation only made things worse.
I realised that there is indeed no meaning of life.
No reason for being.
That in 100 years or so, we would not be living and probably not remembered.
That the human race is failing and what we do today, tomorrow, in a decade, ultimately come to mean absolutely nothing.
That nothing means anything.
Life as we know it, life on earth, the very existence of life is mere chance.
That the evolution of life, the creation of DNA, is a chance.
That at the end of our life, it all comes down to nothing.
That there is no afterlife, no peaceful place.
Whilst these thoughts may hurt many people's ideals, they are of course my views and observations, and what I hold to be true.
For me, this begs the question, what is the point of continuing such a monotonous and pointless existence when nothing counts?
Nothing matters?
I don't know, and I am unsure whether I wish to continue such an existence.
After all, if you were to not see a purpose in playing a sport, because it was impossible to win, many would leave the sport. Of course, some would continue to play the game, for the love of the game.
I don't know which of them I am.
But the fact remains, that since my realisation of this, my life has been drastically affected by it, and I cannot hope to get better until I get around this, or I shall fade to nothing.
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