Its Been a While

Well, its been bloody yonks since I posted, not that anyone likely gives a shit. Not being pessimistic, merely realistic.
Life went up for a while, but has since well and truly returned to shit.
Only made 1 attempt this year, if you can call it that, and a few decent scars whilst contemplating the obvious consequences, of really going the full hog and trying to die by exsanguination. Seriously screwed on what to do, but that doesnt matter.
Much of my thoughts are confined to my diary, I tend to think its safer.
Dad knows last years story, and some of this years, and I know its hurt him badly, and I doubt Ill ever forgive myself for what it did to him and continues to do to him.
We may have our differences, and I may be an edgy, jumpy little prick, but I love the goddam gorgeous sonofabitch with all my heart. Sounds weird, but its dam well true. He deserves better no doubt.
Anyone, need to post hear to reduce my ramblings on facebook, its gotta be annoying people.
I find it funny people of think of true vs fake friends. Total tosh if you ask me, if someones a friend, they are thus, if not they are not. Sure they may be  little pricks at times, but it doesnt make them fake, if theyre fake, theyre not friends. Enough ramblings, back to suicide pill readings, could theoretically make some good chloroform tonight. Besides, my arms hurt.

I paid for the other night badly. I have since sunk into a bought of what can only be described as severe misery amounting to and leading to some suicidal contemplation's. When I was tripping the other night, I was incredibly tempted to take the leftovers of the ssri cos i knew that dxm and ssri can potentially lead to serotonin syndrome which can be fatal. though on closer examination, its not nearly as it is made out to be or as dangerous. i probably wouldve ended up with a nasty hangover, though i had a bloody horrible one on saturday. it really fucked me up to a high degree. i sat the chem exam in the morning and only got 58%, and its shit cos i wouldve done better if i wasnt still fuckin half out of it. i collapsed on the friday night, and couldnt get up for a while. it was weird and kinda scary. pupils werent responding either. weird, and felt sooo light headed. fuck all euphoric effects, no pleasant tingling. robo trips tast like shit, feel semi ok, and the hangover was dam killer. sucked ass. dunno if ill do it again, probably just to finish the bottle off and then i doubt id ever do it again. besides, i know that in extensive use it can cause vacuolisation of brain cells, which would be bad. fuckin dumb shit and i feel retarded for it. the saturday night was ok but i got really snappy at people i shouldnt and i really hate myself for it. dad really sent me over twice last night. i was soooo desperate to go back to the cutting, and burning. hell suicide sounded ok. i havent really had much contact with him, and i think hes pissed. he just went off last night, im still looking after my suicidal mate, it sucks, cos i dont know why im begging her not to. fuck id love to, im pleading for her life just as much as mine. but i dont think anything will happen majorly till after exams. then i may b dangerous. will have 2 c wat happens. but atm i feel that another shot at it is certain and that next time i may regret it a bloody lot. stupid knowledge, i know too much. even now im learning more about drug interactions. but i also know its a dedicated thing, if i did that, there's no going back. i either suceed, fail and keep quiet, or get found out and find myself in a really embarrassing situation. namely my chances of entering the adf being fucked 4 3 years as well. ahh shit wat do i do. what do u do with a fucked up person like me? take em out the back and shoot em? hold them tight and what not? but is that just mollycoddling? fuck knows, kick the crap out of me and see if u can kick it out. i dont know if i can hold off the cutting. i want it, but i dont want to. its like there's this piece missing from me, and whenever i hurt, like find out my mates r going out tonight, or that a mate of mine is getting real close to someone i like or what not, its just kills, especially when i know that i dont deserve anything like that. this is fucked. what the hell has happened in the past 12 months? i just wanna go back to then!!!! let me tell myself to not b a fuckhead about it, and grow some balls. let me kcik the living fuck out of the little pussy cunt and tell him to wake up to the fucked upness of the world. to say HEY COCKBAG, Ur old man is not the guy u think he is, dont loose ur independence and DONT START RELYING ON OTHER PEOPLE!!!!
Now Im dam near incompetent and i dont know what to believe,.
Lost, and with fuck knows where to go.
Im trapped, is death the onlly way out?
Im scared, squash the ugly kid-me, im wasting oxygen and resources.
death, death death.

Wouldnt it be grand to take a pistol by the hand and wouldnt it be great if we were DEAD! - MCR

Trip

Well they say like father like son, iv finally done it.
Right now im tripping, robo tripping.
i didnt think i was after the movie, but when i got up i feel back down and head is now spinning.
very strange, not exactly in control.
went to the fridge staggered, made it back to my room before i collapsed. makes it interesting.
unsure if i like the sensation, feel dumb now, but also slightly satisfied.
i cant keep my eyes still.
id say borderline between 1st and 2nd plateau.
dunno if ill do it again.
kinda freaked. that is all, hopefully no dxm hangover

I will resist I will resist I will resist.
Ah shit, I havent cut for more than a week, but shit I want to sooo badly.
But I dont know if Ill stop. Ahhhhhhh!
Want to sleep and deal with in the morning but I cant.
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD!
Why didnt i look at this draft sooner.
Ahhh, hang me by the neck with a CN tablet in mouth and shoot me.
But no, I wont, I remember what happened last time with teh chloroamines, horrible painful and disgusting.
Hoping itll be enough deterent as I think that is why my cough is so bad, id like to think not as itd mean i damaged my lungs. DICK HEAD!
what kind of a dip shit tries it like that and without teh full commitment.
Ahh, got hold of some DXM the other day, trying to resist not using it, i know that zoning is not a good idea, but its tempting as it alcohol right now, but I dont trust myself, id probably use them both to ease myself out.
i really need to ditch all the dangerous shit i have, disappointed i couldnt throw the razor at porties, couldnt let it go, i was terrified of doing so.
ah, dont deserve love, for my mates, i keep on going, though that force is fading, too much pressure. dunno if ill snap probs, hopefully after exams, then iv got my mates cos goign away to edithburgh, hopefully itll give me enough time to let me calm down otherwise it could result in peace permanently.
want to leave fb, im causing 2 much pain. perhaps i should run away.
nope., face problems, kill them or me.
wish tammy wasnt hell bent on destruction its killing me.
im an idiot
that is all, oh and i want hugs, they make me feel happy, and warm and loved.
love me!
split with bec today, she took it well, didnt seem overly bothered, still just as close before, makes me happier. im hanging in there. just want my rp to be done, so tempted to cut cut cut. or burn burn burn.
oh shit, that burn is tempting.
gotta resist. i want the reserves next month.
I aint ever satisfied.
That is all

Well, life is getting worse.
On saturday I went for a dodgy dive, but I did what I needed to to help Steve, and thats the main thing. I am learning to function in limited to virtually nil vis. Was good to see everyone, especially Steve, Wendy and Sue.
Went to a party that night, Cassi's 18th. It was hard for me to interact, though shit when down, and I was given a chance to shine. Poor Justin, Cassis boyfriend, now ex had a shitload to drink, and ended up collapsing to the floor. When asked to take him home, I realised it wasnt going to happen for a while, and proceeded to tend to him for a few hours. He wasnt even really throwing up, it just creeped up his throat. He freaked out a few times, but I managed to get him home by 1230. I think he has 4 fits, cos he sorta seized up, I nearly took him to hospital but was hesistant cos I didnt want the hard working docs and nurses there dealing with another Saturday  night drunk. I didnt think it was fair on them, also as one can imagine, I have my reservations still. Obviously I have analysed this situation and question whether I did the right things, he is ok now, but I did worry for a while. Typically, when I got home, it sent me off into anxeity and shakes unfortunately, nearly broke down, I started to worry people. Felt bad for it, guess thats life. Kinda enjoyed it, I think I earnt a lot of respect from people. Dont know if I deserve the praise I received and continue to receive. I have been counselling a 14 year girl in trying to not commit suicide. She desperately wants to, and I desperately dont want her to. i dont think she realises that Im breaking, and Im trying to convince myself just as much as herself not to. I feel its almost certain that she will attempt now, especially since she lost a FB friend to suicide Saturday. Poor girl, I wish I could take her pain away.But i cant even take away mine.
Ive been upseetting people again, Emma, and that. Causing them worry. I dont know what to do, Im running out of options, in fact that time has passed. Mixed my little deadly cocktail again, took a whiff, was nearly sick. Pretty sure its a chlroamine, and deadly, looking at what it does and how much it reacts, but its a hard smell to take, and Ill need much more products and an enclosed space that I can warn people of the dangers.
In a ambivalent mood, just dont care, just want sleep, hating myself for my lack of revision. Was prepared to cut the fuck out of myself today, but to no avail, the flu has me and Im in pain as it is, I couldnt bare the additional. Contemplating getting numbing cream if I can find some effective stuff dont know if thats so I can attempt suicide, or just so I can get more into it. But either way, i guess its a shit idea, and i have screwed up motivations.
Fuck, I dont believe it, I just dont wanna die, but I feel Im gonna. Fuck what do i do?
This pressure, I dont know if itll boil over or what. I just feel mentally drained, and now physically drained, like butter scraped over too much bread.
I feel that hope is fadded, life will always be painful like this. To some, I sound pathetic, weak willed, etc, and you know what, your probably right. Perhaps I am just part of the natural selection process. The strong survive.
I dont know if this will be my last post, but even with the news that soon I will be ready to sit my Bronze Latin Medal for dance, it may well be. If I can find the courage to do it, and ensure ambivalence doesnt get in my way. If it does, Ill screw up, and look stupid and perhaps find myself in hosptial, Id sooner die I think,....but perhaps not, I dont know.
Considered throwing myself off the telstra building, but I think Id back out, and may alert security in the process, which would most certainly get me a pysch eval, and potential sectioning for 72 hrs. Which would be embarrassing, and tbh, atm could well sign my death warrant.
Dunno, drowning? I have a number of ideas for it, but itd be hard and Id have to b committed, and reality is, Im not committed, so I need something that doesnt require too much effort, but is pretty successful, painless would b good, but depends on what type of pain.
Hanging, potentially good idea, but nasty for others, especially Dad. Car accident, as long as it involves only me, on a deserted road, people may never know. But Iv tried it before, and theres too much thought. Poisoning, now if I can get access to teh correct chemicals, this is a good one, as is plastic bag asphyxiation, though iv tried it so many times. Requires a sleeping tablet, cant get one. Bleeding, exsanguiation, if i can get deep enough, yes. Drug overdose, if i can get the right ones, yes. May be painful for me, thats cool, just needs to b quick, and leave me in a decent state. Maybe thinners.
Fuck knows, its clear i still dont know, perhaps I just do it on an impulse, be impulsive, or maybe plan it out, that little stash of pills would screw me up, as 2 the times and speed and pain, probably high. High probability of screwing up, but not telling anyone would be to my advantage, perhaps do it when Dad goes to qld, might b next week, could collapse on say a monday and would hopefully have enough time to expire.
Dunno, so many ideas, and I should b studying, everytime I dont study, increases my desire to DIE.
Catch anyone on the flip flop, c how we go, I may be back on, sadly probably will be.

Existential Crises

Just had a break from a little study-yes its finally happening, and I came across something which has greatly caught my interest and something I can relate to a lot.
It is a philosophical school of thought known as existentialism. Having quickly skimmed it, I realised that following exams, much more delving will be required to satisfy my hunger. In that realisation and in this discovery, I found a peculiar thing that may relate to me again, and the blues.
I located information on existential depression, which is a form of depression brought on by basically the questioning of ones own existance and the like in the world, something that has been termed an existential crisis. When someone starts questioning the very foundations with which their life is built upon, it can create such a thing. Over the past few years, I have come to slowly realise many things, many of it related to existentialism. Having said that, many other things triggered me this year, stress, pressure, etc, but I think that this questioning may have caused or contributed to my landslide of suicidal feelings, etc.
In fact, I know it did, I just didnt have a name for it before.
I have chatted to a few others about it, who also have similar issues, though they believe that since it is largely based on relatively sound knowledge, it is much more difficult to kick. In fact they themselves have made extensive plans for their demise, and believe they themselves will end their life soon enough. They also believe that very few experience it, since many people do not think entirely for themselves, and that it is a 'wisemans affliction'. Cant say I agree with that, as then I would have to realise that Im 'special' and wise, something I havent seen evident yet. But perhaps others think differently. Basically, Ive realised what some of this is now, now I need to beat exams, and then research into how I can perhaps stop this crisis of sorts, and get back on a level plain. I attempted twice yesterday, and the 2nd time, whilst pathetic, now I come to think of it, was probably the most dangerous thing Ive ever done. Using my own newfound science knowledge to try a chemical form. Not a good idea, as now I think about, the burning, coughing, and feelings of breathlessness probably wasnt that smart. From research, I think a form of a chloroamine was formed, hence not reccommended, and dont be a fool like I was, it was only a small amount, but shit it bloody hurt and was uncomfortable.
Thankfully, I dont notice any residual effects, so I figure it may not have been that bad, still, I know from research its bloody deadly, and easy to produce, but is an absolute shitty way to try anything.
Meh, life is interesting, I only wanna dance the night away, and intend to do so soon. At teh moment, diving has taken a little backseat, and dancing, dam I wanna chase it, just need a partner to dance with, who wants to compete. That would be heaven. Dancing most night, YEAH!
Meh, back to physics, and the structure of atom, Im not game to see how forsyth has destroyed my asignment, it may break me and Im scared of that. Perhaps Ill do it when I can get some company. To make sure it doesnt flip me too much.
Haha, the look on some peooples faces if they knew what happens sometimes due to them, not taht i blame them, they do their job, and I act like a fool. Hence the refusal to admit Im 'wise', though perhaps Im driven by fear, pain, and the blues.
Meh, back to it all.
Adios amigos.
Be good or real bad, Ill love you no matter.
:P

Oh shakespeare, the mere thought of u calms me at times.
This book i clutch between fingers, oh its beaufitul, ur words speak to me across the vast gap of time that has become.
I shall hold on for the time being.
My feeble attempt at joining u 2day failed after awakening and tearing it off me.
but please, dont leave me. ur words r precious, they speak to the emotions, and right now, if its posisble, a hug would suffice.
i feel ever alone, i desire study, yet my mind it swirls with uncomprehensible things.
desires, impulsions, and overall a desire to be held right now, to be hugged, warmed and feel close to another, for right now, i feel deatched from the outside world, like i dont matter at all.
i dont desire death, i only desire love, warmth and happiness, and not sorrow, pain, and coldness.
but if the latter is all i am to have, then nothing at all is all i desire.
nothing, non-existance, ad infinitum.
suicide, its not pretty, painless, or happy, but at times, its all i have.
knowing that if all goes so bad, that fuck it all, i cant go with it anymore, that death will welcome me just as much.
if i knew suicide was painless, then perhaps i could do it more easily, but yet, i think to much, i know what it can do, to others, to me if i fail. the possibility of being sectioned, could make things worse, unless i could use it to climb up and out. no the potential to wake up in a locked room terrifies me. hospital if ur a patient must b terrible, but worse for those locked in doors.
that perhaps is what haunts me at times, that and the fact that i cannot help but wonder the what ifs of this year.
all i know, is that there is a strong likelihood of my life resting on these exams. if i do poorly, i know what the stakes may be. what may occur. the half plans made, the ideas, the comfort.
yet i still dont desire it. i want to do well, and get out of here. it sucks. i wanna die happy, not miserable and in a cold dark place.
to die clutched in the arms of someone i love. my dad and mother r not those people, never have been and never will b. my mother hurt me today, and dad causes pain hed never realise.
im just a miserable little fuck.
talking 2 someone today whos lost someone to suicide teh other month, i mentioned him here aleks. a decent bloke, who works as a mental health assistant. telling me whats gone on, and all that. i think he may have thought things r going down hill, and of course he's right. hell i tried to catch the bus today., oart of me still desires it, but i dont really know what id do, perhaps the belt or someone, the leaps of faith frighten me, and mothers little helper dont tend to do much except get u in a lot of pain and if u say something, in an ed near u with the posisbility of damage or sectioning. hypo is uncomfortable, as is starvation, and dehy.
metal pieces burn like all fuck, and again, from personal experience one needs to b in a highly emotional state to get to the goodies, and even then, it often fails, cauing an absolute shitload of pain unless one gets hold of numbspray, whihc i dont know where to get and if it works. though ice does work with the dis of that goodies tend to hid from view due to the low temp.
h20 intox is bloody horirble, tried and failed, u need a thrist that u can kill. hazmat stuff, not good idea, can b quick, but dangerous to others, as is leaps of desperation. well, looks like im left with life, and finding someone or something to hold, hug and cry. and then perhaps if im as smart as others say, chatting to someone, but not dad. fuck him, he doesnt get it, and he hurts too much, from me. unsure if chatting to pdoc is a good idea, but the suicide forums r life savers. prolife, but dam u can chat and most people just try and get it out, and not do it. that, and if i can get a grip of myself, do the only kind of jumping i should b doing into some textbooks, and plow on. heat, hugs, chat, cry, study. if it works, good. if not, fuck knows what i do.
if anyone reads this, give the nearest loved one a hug. i used to not value hugs, but now when i get one, i treasure it, its like gold to me atm, and probablu helps more as well.

love how my maths teacher can tear me down though, told me my assignment was bad., fuck redo. unimpressed. spent near 12 hrs on it. brief impulse to but certain objects in places they dont belong passed, didnt even bleed much a few hrs later. dont have the impulse or desire now. just makes it too painful when i actually get a hug.
Hug